It’s all too much

[DesertFlower]

Christmas with my children has been awful, so much stress. My youngest locked herself in the front room and rang Childline as she is afraid of her older sister (visiting but not staying w us)….and My eldest is close to my ex and that just hurts me so so much. Kids spent AM w me, PM w my ex, and he is rich and putting on such a lovely time for them and I have been referred to the MH team recently so that fits in with my ex’s view of me. I feel like because he is a high-earner and very charming, my grown up kids treat him well. I just feel that all the abuse of me by him should be part of my eldest’s world view but it’s not. OK, so they see him, not a problem, he’s their dad. But he bit me, hit me, bruised. me, threaten to kill the cat x 2, threatened to put one of my children’s possessions in the road and drive over it. His view is that I’m lazy, selfish and mentally ill (and a hoarder) and he wants the house sold BEFORE my youngest is 18, (detail removed by Moderator). He’s retiring and I’m just so exhausted all the time from working a minimum wage job and he’s actually retiring! We were together more than (detail removed by Moderator) decades and I’m just so tired now I almost wish I’d never left him but the NHS said that it wasn’t good for the kids to have them witnessing me being relentlessly bullied. I feel like it almost wasn’t worth it because he has so much influence over my children I feel like he subtlety brainwashes them—even about the past! He took my youngest when she was just (detail removed by Moderator) and I didn’t see her or hear her voice for a solid year! 365! Agony! He managed to charm her school so that they actually phoned me and asked me not to come to her parents’ evening! He told me not to come to the GP surgery reception to see her and that if I did he would not take her for her medical appts. I just can’t cope with having all my (detail removed by Moderator) decades of mothering being trashed by him. I just have no self esteem apart from being a mum (I was also a (detail removed by Moderator)) and I am just trying so hard to gain some self esteem but it’s not possible in the workplace when you’re an older woman worker, I’ve applied for so many good jobs and not had a look in and now I’ve just given up on that and am sticking w my minimum wage job (which ex ridicules to children, he has high-status job.). Thank you for listening, it’s been (detail removed by Moderator) years since I kicked him out and I thought that I would be in a much better place (inside myself) than I am now and now soon I will be selling the house I love and have raised my kids in for decades and then???? I’m completely worn out by all this and maybe I should have just stayed and then maybe? Right now this life seems every bit as bad as my old (married) life, only different. Maybe after (detail removed by Moderator) decades of married abuse I am too old to “re-grow.” Thank you so much if you’ve read this, I appreciate it.

[KIP.]

Hey desert flower, I too had decades of abuse. Did you get a good solicitor regarding the finances. If he’s retiring soon. Did you get half of his pension? I’m concerned that the Financial split may not have been fair? My ex turned our son against me so I know how you feel, all I can say is to save your own sanity. If your eldest child is showing abusive behaviour then you have to find the strength to say she is not welcome. The constant abuse even from our children takes a huge toll on our mental health and I know the agony of separation from a child. Albeit an older child. You definitely are not too old to regrow. To become that butterfly from a cocoon. I live with PTSD caused by the abuse but I’ve forged a good happy abuse free satisfying life for myself. It took hard work and councelling and total no contact with my ex but if I can achieve this then you can. Someone on here told me about the graceful swan. Above water, try to remain calm outwardly, even though underneath your legs may be paddling away furiously. Show yourself love and respect and cut those from your life until they do the same. Sometimes our children take their frustrations out on us because they are afraid of the reaction of the abuser if they take it out on them. However that’s no excuse. They need to know abusive behaviour won’t be tolerated. It’s a good life lesson x

[DesertFlower]

Thank you, KIP. I did the best I could with the divorce financial split (tho I’m starting to suspect he may have hidden some overseas money.). Half the house and half the pension, it’s just that he retires (detail removed by Moderator) and I retire (detail removed by Moderator). (he manages to retire at (detail removed by Moderator) years *before State Retirement.) For the past (detail removed by Moderator) years he’s been ploughing (detail removed by Moderator) into his pension fund “top up”, partly to reduce his income for child maintenance. I’ve got PTSD and he doesn’t. I’m tired of spending years in counselling. It feels like counselling is dialysis…if I don’t have counselling I can’t function. I’m told it would be a good idea to be assessed for Asperger’s, tho it’s a year wait for an assessment. You wrote that I should show myself love and respect but I can’t get away from all the voices in my head saying that I’m a failure, no good. It’s my mother’s voice that morphed into my ex’s voice and I have just focussed on my children and encouraging them to have a voice that I never developed a voice. I’m so lonely I keep studying with the Jehovah’s Witnesses, who would be happy to give me esteem and a voice (theirs, I suspect.). Thank you for reading this.

[KIP.]

Hey, it’s not too late to go back to your solicitor. If you have proof he has not declared earnings in the divorce it can be looked at again. The best thing ever for my mental health was total no contact. That is where I would start. Any contact with these men is toxic to us. It’s triggers for our PTSD. You do not need to have an abuser in your life. Contact your local women’s aid for support too.

[DesertFlower]

Hi KIP, thanks so much for your quick reply…I’m sure I got the best I could with regards the finances, (detail removed by Moderator), also, the whole chucking-money-in-your-pension is a perfectly legal way for wealthy people to avoid tax/child maintenance. I went back (detail removed by Moderator) to question this (that is, the knock-on effect on child maintenance amount of chucking earnings into a pension) and (detail removed by Moderator) laughed in my face. (detail removed by Moderator). I thought because she was a woman that she would be fair, but no! It felt like a conspiracy where both the players are wearing Etonian ties. (The poor man just wants to secure his retirement…). I have been really good about sticking to email-only with my ex through all of 2017, but earlier this month my older one said, “you two have to talk and sort out the Christmas Day plans amongst yourselves.” I stupidly spoke with him at length, then a few days later his boiler broke and he wanted to borrow a space heater and so he was actually in my house for the first time in (detail removed by Moderator) years. Then a few days later he sent scathing email about the state of the house and demanding I leave (detail removed by Moderator) months earlier than (detail removed by Moderator) stipulates, I clearly conspired with my youngest to have him/her fail a year of school, etc etc etc. Then on Christmas Day one of my older children told me that my hated ex-sister-in-law had actually filmed me reacting to my ex’s “Lying Father of the Bride Speech” and then sent it to everyone on Whatsap (which I don’t use as don’t have a smart phone.). Ex said to groom, “(detail removed by Moderator).” I just feel so alone in that everyone is just, this is old, no one cares if he bit you in the face once. Thank you so much for listening.

[KIP.]

I wonder if this toxic contact has set you back and triggered old memories. I find I only speak to people who understand about abuse. It’s upsetting when people are dismissive or just don’t understand. My child made some comments that shocked me. Pure denial just like his father. Best to distance yourself and work on your own health. My ex also plays the victim and bad mouths me any chance he gets. (detail removed by Moderator) x

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