It’s all too much

[JessicaJones]

Hi everyone,
I’ve not been here in a while. All I can say in regards to how I’ve been is… the struggle continues. On and on… I have months where I feel better, where I don’t have as many flashbacks, nightmares, mood swings, rage, then it all comes back with full force and I lose the plot. Or I go numb again.
I know I’m changed. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I don’t recognise the person I see in the mirror, not that I ever really did.
I feel like I look abused. Does anyone else feel like that? When I look at my face it’s like I can still see it all and the effect it’s had on me. And it horrifies me, breaks my heart, makes me filled with rage and then makes me completely numb.
One of the things he liked to do was grab my face and squeeze as hard as he could until the inside of my mouth bled from my teeth cutting into my cheeks. He used to do that and punch me telling me he’d ruin my face so no one would ever look at me again.
I don’t understand. How I could let myself be with him. How could I. How could I.
One of the worst parts is, it makes me realise really how much I must hate myself and deep down have such a low opinion of myself.
I am just so sad. I feel like the whole world’s against me again. I feel like even now people will be reading this judging me, thinking ‘she must be really ugly’ and thinking how stupid I sound.
I feel as though everyone in the entire world is out to get me. And I feel like everyone’s picked on me and abused me my whole life and they’ve won. So what’s the point in trying. I feel full of emotions that are blocked and trapped behind a wall I’ve built inside me. Cause I can’t let them out for fear of the uncontrollable destruction they may cause. I don’t want to be like this. I want to move forward. I want to delete it. But I can’t. It’s all starting to swirl around my head again and I can’t escape it. I’m struggling.
Just thought I’d share. And hope all had a good Christmas.

[Autumnique]

Jessica you are not stupid at all and nobodythinks that. We are all thinking why we’re we with them…. My ex used to put his fingers in my eyes and push as hard has he could… I used to think I was going to lose my eyes.. That was many years ago and I still have flash backs of it. Recently I was in another abusive relationship which I said I would never ever be in again.it will take time for you to feel yourself again after what you have been through but remember you are so brave to have gotten out. Very brave cos it isn’t easy x*x

[JessicaJones]

Hi Autumnique, not sure you’ll ever read this but thank you for that sweet reply.
I’m surprised at my response, I feel like my reply there was very self centred and dismissive at what you said, I think I was just very upset about how I looked at the time,
I also have body dysmorphic disorder so my image is a bit of an issue with me and I was looking in the mirror having a bit of an identity crisis thinking I’m a monster.

Thank you so much, I am doing much better lately. I was brave. I’m realising that more and more now.
And I know you are too. Anyone who is or has been in these relationships is brave. We are made brave through it. We’re the strong ones, we just don’t realise it.
Hope you are doing ok. Xx

[JessicaJones]

thanks. It just makes me mad that he might have succeeded in his intentions when I look at myself sometimes. I think, it worked. He knocked all the vibrancy out of me, drained and squeezed the last drops of purity and light out of my soul, put out the light in my eyes. And then other times I don’t feel like that. I guess no one can tell me if I look different… 🙁 I just become shocked sometimes. I disconnect from it all for ages so sometimes when it comes back it’s just shocking to me what I did. My mind and my memories and different parts of me seem to have become more fragmented and separate from one another than ever. I developed different characters to survive. And they all keep switching on me. And I have no support to help me deal with it haha sigh. Haha oh well. I’m just gonna stop moaning about it cause I think I just moan too much. I just need to get over it and just accept that s happens I think. Even though it was like living in a horror movie that lasted years. I just don’t get it.

I’m sorry, my mood isn’t directed at you. Thank you, I guess I was brave.
I just hate myself right now. I absolutely hate myself. I even hate what I’ve written I just sound like an idiot.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi jessica that’s what this forum is here for, for us to moan and vent, whatever it takes to get us through this awful period in our lives. I wish i was strong enough to just go, Leave with a few possessions and enough money to rent somewhere, but I can’t just go with no explanation but if I do that, he’ll talk me round. I want him to discard me, but he won’t. My oh says im 2 faced, I have a face for outside and the one at home, the miserable one. Sometimes I forget and I can be animated around people, and then it hits home. I’m still not 100% sure if I’ll leave, but I’m putting plans in place fir the next time he erupts. There has to be better than this.
IWMB 💕💕

[JessicaJones]

Hi IWantMeBack,

Not sure if you’ll ever see this, I’ve only just seen this, 6 months since I’ve logged into this forum but thank you.
I am doing much better on the whole now. Still have bad days but it gets easier!

I really hope that 6 months later you have managed to leave or are closer to leaving or making that decision than you were before. It can be a long process. And of course has to be safe. It took me so long to be able to finally do it. And I had to take many precautions and make a plan in order to get away as safely as possible.
Stay strong xx

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