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    • #10953
      mixed-up mum

      My son is (detail removed by moderator), his sister and me want to go and watch – but so does his dad – I’m OK with it and so is my son – but my daughter has no contact with her father, and has not spoken to him since we left him, and at the (detail removed by moderator) a year ago was the last time he even saw her.

      It’s going to be hard for she wants nothing to do with her father, and doesn’t even want to be near him or for him to actually see her – I don’t think he will make any attempt to come near (and if he does she will just walk away), but she just cannot stand the thought of being so near him.

      We want to go and see (detail removed by moderator) and support my son/her brother but having managed to keep away from her father for the past year it will be hard for her to be as close as that to him again – she wants him to have no part in her life – including not even letting him see her or be near her.
      She’s managed to avoid him during the past year – but if she wants to see her brother (detail removed by moderator) we have no option……

    • #10959

      It’s a hard one, M.U.M, and the decision is yours, but my own personal opinion is that your daughter is within her rights not to go near him, and if she is anything like my eldest, she needs the support for that decision and also to know that she will be able to remain in a safe place where he isn’t present and where she can go whenever he tries to mistreat her / coerce her again. For me, the dpfact I gave gone no contact means that my eldest has had the courage to distance himself from his dad,mono is very unkind to him, as he k owe he us safe here.if I were in touch with my ex, maybe he wouldn’t feel protected enough to stand up to him- or he might even just go elsewhere, and I would have lost him.

      Returning to a (detail removed by moderator) event when it was the last time she saw him might be hugely triggering for her.

      The reason I am so cautious about all this is because my own kids have returned from contact and threatened to self-harm and all sorts. On the surface,my ex may have appeared to have done nothing openly abusiv,Mobutu look deeper and I have seen covert abuse, power games and – as my eldest has said- ‘I just don’t like being around him.’ It in serves them and makes them feel anxious.

      I think it’s important that you have a talk with her where you listen to her thoughts and fears, and where she knows that whatever decision she makes is fine and that she will be supported.


    • #10961

      I have the same problem my son does not want anything to do with his father. My son gets so angry, his temper is out of control. He has not seen his dad for (detail removed by moderator) months. How can a parent think beating their child is ok. Maybe you could do alternate (detail removed by moderator). So your daughter can go to see her brother (detail removed by moderator).we try to keep our kids safe, guide them and protect them.

    • #10983
      mixed-up mum

      She knows he will be there and she has never said a word about it.

      It’s just me who’s worrying.

      He never actually physically hurt her – but she hates him for what he did to me, and cannot forgive him, that’s why she won’t go near him.

      They did not have a good relationship, my daughter and me are very close and when I lived with him he always resented her and he hated how close we were, and HE always blamed her for coming in between us (and indeed the breakdown of our marriage) – when in fact all she was doing was trying to protect me from him.

      She was not scared of her father and would stand up to him, and stand up for me when I was too scared and too weak to do it myself. However then she would get in trouble for ‘speaking back’ to her father – which then caused lots of ‘friction’ in the house.

      He says he would like a relationship with her, but she wants nothing to do with him……

    • #10992
      White Rose

      She sounds great! My daughter is the same. Refuses to see him. May communicate electronically now and again. He came to the house (cheeky!)she was in with me but refused to come to the door so he went away with a flea in his ear from me for daring to call round.
      Your daughter has every right to watch her brother; if she’s happy to go then hats off to her. If her dad approaches her he may end up with an earful but it maybe what he needs to hear.
      Try not to worry. As long as she’s going knowing she may see her dad you’ll know she must have thought about it. If she opts out the there will be pictures to share I’m sure. Just keep being a good mum to her its all she wants x*x

    • #10999

      This is hard for you (and her).I never want to be anywhere near my ex. Both kids are him, though my son less now he’s at uni. I wish my daughter felt the same way as yours. I know that sounds awful, but she was quite young when he left and though she knew it was better without all the arguing she wasn’t aware his bad he was really. They weren’t so close but he’s could at buying presents! And as he did with my son now she’s a teenager he tries to be more matey. Sometimes I want to tell her just what he’s like but I’ve tried to never day anything bad about him. I’m hoping that one day she’ll decide for herself.
      If she knows he’s going and she still wants to go if up to her really isn’t it? If he approaches her and she walks off, support her is the best advice I can give.
      Hope it goes OK.

    • #11022
      mixed-up mum

      Hiya – thank you ladies for your replies.

      Well it all went off fine – he kept his distance so that was fine. I don’t think she felt threatened by him, she is so determined not to let him ‘win’ – she is SO strong.

      At one point it started to snow quite heavily and I went for shelter in the car – but she stayed on – on her own – she wasn’t faised by him being there, she wasn’t daunted by the fact she was on her own. I’m so proud of the strong woman she has grown up to be, and I hope she will have the strength NEVER to put up with what I lived with for so long…..

      I needn’t have worried about her – but that’s me all over – such a worrier!!!

      It’s just ‘awkward’ when situations arise when we have to be present, and so does he.

      I’m thankful that he was respectful of my daughter’s wishes and he stayed well away.

      He has made no contact with her since we left, he knows she wants nothing to do with him. He doesn’t have internet, so has no email, and no Facebook, he can’t text, and he has never come to the door of our house, always drops my son off in the driveway.
      She can see his number on the phone if he rings the house, and she will never pick up.

      Eve mine is opsite to you – my daughter is the eldest one, and she knows everything that went on, and that’s why she cannot forgive him.
      My son was the youngest one and knew/knows nothing of what really went on, and so he has no problem with his dad, he goes to see him at least once a week, though never stays there (most likely cos his dad has no internet!!!)
      And yes he likes going for his dad spoils him and never had to tell him off for anything – where as Im the ‘bad one’ for making him get up, making him go to bed, and nagging him about picking up dirty washing, nagging him about leaving cups, plates and glasses in his room etc – dad never has to do any of that – so he remains ‘superdad’!!!

      I have asked his father for support re behaviour issues, eg attitude/speaking back/giving cheek/not helping at home – but I get no support from his father – instead he chooses to be his ‘friend’ rather than his FATHER.

      I think my son will always have contact with his father, but I don’t know if my daughter ever will…..

    • #11027
      lover of no contact

      Well done mixed up mum. You were the one who was a strong lady to leave your home and your abuser. And your daughter learnt from that. That abuse in a relationship from one partner to another is unacceptable.

      I know how hard that is to leave because I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t end my abusive marriage (I was trapped in by my religious beliefs that marriage was for life etc). I couldn’t take my children because they ‘sided’ with him so I wouldn’t leave the family home without them.

      And I couldn’t leave my family home (that I had put all my money into).

      But luckily for me my abuser decided to issue the ultimate threat to me that he wanted our marriage to end. I was to go, but he would stay in the family home with the day to day care of the children. The discard for me.

      But I grabbed this chance to leave. I felt my religion would permit our separation as he initiated it. Crazy how too loyal I was to my religious belief that I would rather let myself and my children be destroyed by the huge abuse than end the marriage.

    • #11028
      lover of no contact

      Also, meant to say well done to your daughter, her example is soo empowering. She is a good role model. But she learnt it from your huge courage.

      There is nothing as so hard as leaving an abusive relationship. Whether that is leaving an abusive partner, parent and leaving abusive friends and work-colleagues, siblings can be hard too. Especially for us kind-hearted, forgiving people.

    • #11031

      Hi mixed up mum your story is identical to mine so much so I could have written it! My daughter dislikes her dad a huge amount roo and once we have our own houses I doubt she will ever see him. My younger son as yours did not see so much so has a better relationship but as time goes on they will see the true colours come through as these men never change x

    • #11032

      Wow, I am amazed at your strong daughter! X

    • #11082
      mixed-up mum

      Thank you all for your lovely kind words – I will reply later – my battery is about to go any minute!!!! x*x

    • #11191
      mixed-up mum

      Hi ladies how are you all today ???

      I’m on here just wanting to talk to someone, but there seems to be very few ladies on here today….and so I’m just talking anyway…..

      Well I don’t feel like a good role model to my daughter – I stayed with him way, way too long as I was too scared to make me and the kids homeless, and so we lived eith him way longer than we should have, causing my daughter great distress, it almost caused her to have a breakdown.
      She knew what he had done/was doing to me, and she was fiercely protective of me, oh it makes me sad to think what we all went through – the hell we lived in for years and years…..

      It took me a year and a half after we left him to finally get my lovely daughter back – she had been under SO MUCH strain and pressure trying to protect ME from him (and all the while knowing what he was doing to me) and when we left him she fell to pieces, and was a totally different daughters from the loving caring daughter Id known.
      She didn’t seem to care about me at all, wasn’t worried when I had to go to hospital for an operation. She showed me no love what-so-ever. She wasn’t the daughter I knew and loved.

      She wanted to spend no time with me, wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t come near me – she was totally cold and uncaring – the opposite to what she had been like with me.
      Up until I left him we had been SO CLOSE – did everything together, talked about everything – but all of a sudden she froze me out completely.

      What really brought it home to me how bad things were – was Mothers Day last year – for the first time in her life she didn’t give me a card – I was heartbroken – she always gave me loved cards and wrote and extra special few lines at the bottom.
      Last year no card – she don’t even help me cook mothers day lunch (we had me mam over) she left me and her Granny to do all the dishes while she sat messaging ‘boyfriend’s’ online.
      She went ‘off the rails’ a bit – rebelling – chatting on line to MEN way older than her – I was so worried for her safety.

      It took a year and a half of support from Women’s Aid to get her her back, and now we are as close as ever – we are together all the time, she talks to me and tells me things, shares everything with me.she helps me around the house again, buys me nice little gifts etc and we are both so much happier – it broke my heart when I lost my daughter. I did everything I could think of to get her back, nothing worked….


      She has got her life back on track again, and she did well in her exams at school, and is now doing brilliantly well on her college course – I see the work she does and she is doing work that is WAY beyond my capabilities I can tell you!!!

      I am so, so very proud of the beautiful, clever, loving caring thoughtful, kind, young woman she has grown up to be.

    • #11196

      How great that your daughter got through that awful time and is now doing so well. You should take some credit for it. You did leave him and supported her.

    • #11241
      mixed-up mum

      Hi Eve – thank you for your reply and your kind words – I am very proud of my daughter – all she has come through and survived – she is proof that it can all be OK in the end, and it need not affect the rest of your life.


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