It’s hitting me all at once, can’t stop crying

[Starmoon]

I keep thinking I hope he doesn’t do anything, I hope he stays away from me and doesn’t cause trouble. I’m being paranoid and letting my head run away with me. Thinking of what he will do. I know he will be the most angry he’s ever been that I called the police and he won’t take it lying down.
I only rang the police because I wanted him to leave me alone- because I was scared. I must have been or I’d never have called them- I’d never want him in trouble. I don’t want him punished, I don’t want him losing his job. I hate that he hasn’t seen our baby- I genuinely do. I feel so guilty and I would feel so responsible if he really got in trouble over this. I know flipping that on its head- he was the one that attacked me which is wrong and I had to call the police to stop him maybe coming back and hurting me even more. But Why don’t I want him punished? I was so scared that I felt I had no choice but to call them. But I was only scared once he had actually physically hurt me. Before that I was shouting at him and he was shouting at me so I really did deserve it… Which is why I feel so awful that he Mite be in trouble. And I know he will just be so angry at me. I am feeling pretty traumatized by it to be honest. I know it was a huge battering or anything and it could have been so much worse. I never really imagined being in the middle of something like that and I know it could’ve been allot worse… But I still feel so destroyed. I haven’t been able to have more than a few weeks in years without him doing something… Without something horrible happening… I lost twins and nearly died in the process, he left me and told me It was all my fault in the middle of me grieving, he moved away, came back, then moved away, left me so often and I totally lost myself. He started physically hurting me when I was at the end of the pregnancy with our baby and then it became worse and closer together… And worse still if I stood my ground- but then still not as bad as some women have had it so I feel stupid to moan. Then I nearly had to have a termination and truly nothing has ever upset me as much as the day I traveled to do it- but I didn’t do it and then lost the baby a few days later anyway. And then he took my daughter and told ss I wasn’t mentally stable and wouldn’t give her back. And even though he gave her back a few hours later because he couldn’t cope- they believed his lies And assigned a social worker to me so I spent weeks trying to convince them I’m a good mum. In the middle of all that he came back and acted as if he was the only one on my side when ss were giving me hell… So I believed him again and then he attacked me because I stood my ground (detail removed by moderator). I feel I’ve just kept going and now it’s stopped, it’s like everything is hitting me all at once and I can’t stop crying

[godschild]

Hi , tears are healing so let them flow, they help us to release allof the emotions and hell we have gone thro, I am only now trying to face the reality of all that mine has done for decades and its awful, we get thro it but it takes its toll.
I have been talking to a lady who used to run a group for abused women and as I talked to her about my situation it hit me more and more what it has been like and its so hard to face, I still keep beleving he will change , its like a protection from facing the truth, we can only deal with this bit by bit. you have been through so much and the tears are releasing that pain.
You dont want him punished because you are normal and caring but he is not caring to you, he has put you through so much and not given you the compassion and support you have needed thro the misscarriages and the greiving.
The lady I was talking to said the anger and hatred and names they call us are really what they feel inside about themselves but they cant face it so project it onto us to protect themselves they are very sick in their mind I understand you dont want him punished but he will get worse, he has brought all of this on himself, if you hadn’t called the police he may have injured you badley, sending you a hug , i wish I had left many many years ago much of my life has been ruined, you deserve better than that take cae x*x

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