It's me again…

[Alone]

Hi all, I haven’t been on in a few months, so not sure how welcome I will be to post. I find myself being my own worst enemy today and working myself into such a state that I’m getting chest pains and I thought I should reach out to someone!

Since I was last here, I was given my old job back in the organisation I was being bullied at. I still have two jobs, so it is difficult to keep up with the workload, but it’s only for a couple more months and then I’ll have only one job. I don’t know which, as it is not in my hands, so a little anxious about that and what the future will hold.

I find myself not only being treated with respect again, but also that people are expressing potential they see in me. I’ve been told I could progress to a high level in quite a fast timescale. My confidence is wavering, I can’t help wondering what they think they are seeing, and feel a little pressure to be the best, to not make mistakes or ask any questions. I know that’s silly, but I can’t help it. I have people in higher positions coming to me for advice on procedures and ways to problem solve!

This part is hard to explain without details, but I will just say I have been picked to take on an important task, that I really don’t feel confident enough to do. But as it involved being chosen via a vote, I feel like I owe it to everyone to go ahead with it, but I’m actually terrified about it and not sure I can do what is needed. :/

My personal life is still in a mess. I was triggered recently by an anniversary, so I think that is what is making my confidence take a major nose dive at exactly the wrong time. I still don’t have a friend in the world, I still never speak unless it’s at work to colleagues and customers. I’m finding it really bothering me after the recent anniversary. I’m someone who loves planning things for people, little surprises. All of the examples I am about to give are made up and never happened, but give an idea of what I mean. I’m the kind of person who will have a friend turn up somewhere to decorations and a celebration for a random event, it could be something like completing a piece of work that they were worried about etc. Turning it into an achievement. I’m someone who would make up fun treats for random anniversaries that I make up half the time. I put a lot of effort into thinking about my friends, and giving them little surprises and treats to show how much I care.

I haven’t had anyone in my life for a while now, and I feel like I’m not myself if I’m not excitedly planning something. It’s who I am, and always has been. I’ve surprised and gone out of my to do things for people since I was a child! I am so unhappy not being able to do that, I feel like I’m not myself and I don’t like it at all. I didn’t even get to celebrate Christmas or my birthday, or anyone else’s birthdays. I’m all alone in the world.

I feel that I become someone people respect, especially in a work sense, but that once they move on I have exceeded my usefulness. My best friends were the only ones who genuinely cared and went out of their way to see me and do things together, and my abusive situation ended up ruining all of that.

My family disowned me, so there’s no family gatherings, no calling up anyone for a chat. No planning surprises and treats for family. I went through familial abuse, so not something I should be doing for them anyway.

All I do is work. But it’s not enough, I feel like I’m not being true to myself.

I see so many situations, in real life, TV, in books and magazines where people have fallen out, had misunderstandings, or massive situations have occurred such as cheating within a relationship, but a lot of them get back together. How am I the person that no one wants to continue a friendship with? What am I doing that is so wrong? They all left me at the point I was trying to sort my abusive situation, trying to get housing and finding great opposition because familial abuse is so unrecognised, I was disbelieved by many. My friends were supportive but once it had gone on for months they were understandably fed up with it, and to be honest it was ME that stopped communicating with everyone, I decided it would be best to leave everyone be until I had dealt with my problems.

What I can’t get my head around is the fact that people who genuinely cared haven’t even got in touch to see how things are, to see if I really did manage to resolve things and give it that chance. Why am I the one person no one wants to know? This is exactly what my family said would happen. They told me I wouldn’t be believed if I spoke, and I wasn’t. They told me no one really likes me or will want to stay in my life when they get to know me, and they were right.

But I don’t know what I’m doing wrong :'(

I can go months at a time just focusing on my work and pushing this all to the back of my mind, but when something triggers it I get into a state like today and I just wonder what is actually wrong with me.

Also someone I haven’t seen in a while has suddenly started talking about me behind my back. I’ve had people contacting me to say what was said and what a horrible person I am, and when I replied with the truth of the situation, suddenly the offender wanted to ‘have a chat’. I’ve been strong and cut her off completely. I’ve said I am not willing to discuss or try to resolve things, her sudden talking about me came out of nowhere, we haven’t been in touch, haven’t seen each other, so it’s a major red flag and one thing I have learned is that even though I am so desperately lonely I do not deserve and refuse to invite abusive people into my life.

I won’t do it.

I’m just so unhappy right now :'(

xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Alone,

Please do not ever feel that you are not welcome to post, it sounds like you are having a real tough time right now and that is what this forum is for to support each other. Have you thought of joining some groups to see if you can make some new friends? I have never looked but I am sure there are probably many people who are lonely and want to reach out and find others to communicate with.

It is quite obvious to me that the people at work have a lot of confidence in you and you can only try your best and you may find at the end of this task that it was not as bad as you thought. If you do really struggle reach out and get some help I am sure your colleagues will help you if you ask them.

Maybe the thing to focus on is the fact that you are now out of an abusive situation and that has to be a step in the right direction. You are in a better place than you was in, even if it is a bit lonely. How bout some counselling would your doctor refer you? They can help you work on getting back your confidence and working through everything that has happened to you xx

[Ayanna]

Hi, I am so glad to see you posting again!
I am not sure what to say to make you feel better.
I too do not have any friends. But it does not bother me.
I enjoy being alone and prefer not to have any fake person in my life.
There are lots of movies on TV and I have books to read.
I only talk to people at work and that is enough for me.
Sometimes I phone my parents. But do not think that is great. I had a really bad childhood and I only do this because I was educated to respect old people. They upset me quite often when I talk to them.
Maybe try to loosely attach yourself to groups of interest and see whether there are nice people.

Great that things at work have improved. It seems you still have time to get used to your new role. You could do some online studying for it beforehand so that you feel more confident. Can you link up with someone at work who could mentor you?

[Alone]

Hi, thanks for the replies.

I am not actually fully out of the abusive situation, I wasn’t entitled to housing. My GP didn’t believe that families would treat each other the way I was describing, so I had no support to apply for housing on the basis of health. I quit my GP after that and haven’t yet registered with a new one. I was told that I would only get housing if I was pregnant, had a child, or if I was disabled or mentally ill. I have health conditions, and abuse is affecting that, but without the support of my doctor that seemed like too long a battle to fight so I took a room in the same building as my abusers. I keep my distance and live independently, but every so often something starts up again.

I really don’t have time for any groups or clubs, I did look into local ones last year and hadn’t found anything suitable. Having two jobs I often work six days a week. My health condition is worse in the mornings, so every day consists of waking up, dealing with my health, heading to work, then when I come home it’s time to start getting ready for bed to start all over again the next day.

The workplace that has faith in me is closing down. So I feel a pressure to learn things fast to try to secure a transfer. But because they seem to think I know everything already, others are being sent to me for training, to try to help them! And again, having two jobs means I’m not there often enough to catch people who can help me when they are free. I usually work the busier days. I’m trying to be proactive about it, by seeking training during my breaks, or even on my weekly day off, but so far no one has had time for me on those occasions. It’s not really the kind of job you can read up online for – I already know how to do everything that would be publicly available, but it’s the internal, organisation created databases and computer systems that I am very out of practice with, so all the training I need has to be done internally. Time to relearn these skills is very limited, and even if I do get a transfer, I will be demoted again and have to work my way back up. But it’s knowing all these higher position things that would secure the transfer.

So I don’t even know if I’ll hold this job in a few months 🙁

I’ve tried being alone, and just getting on with things, and I do well for a while but I feel like something is missing. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my body, and I can’t get passionate about anything, because I never have a reason to let my heart beat some life back into it. I often have to be creative in my job, but I’m finding I can’t anymore. I’m someone who thinks better out loud – friends would often laugh with me because I’d start telling them something I have to do, but would start working out the answers while speaking. So in another fake example it would be something like “I don’t know what to cook today, what do you suggest? It’s driving me mad trying to think about it. Oh, I have this, this and that, so I’ll make that. Thanks, great talk”.

I really feel like something major is missing from inside me, and instead it has been replaced by pain. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust or allow anyone to get close to me again. Someone I work with asked me to meet somewhere, which I did, but now I feel like I need to keep distance from that person. I can’t bear letting someone get to know me because as I said, my family were actually right and everyone I cared about did leave me. I can’t go through that again, I wouldn’t survive being rejected again.

Another person I work with has been having some meaningful conversations with me as I am supporting him with something. He knows what happened to me at work and with friends, so I have been quite open about saying I can’t let anyone close to me again, and him and another person have asked if they are the exceptions. But I just can’t do it, I can’t allow myself to believe anyone is genuine and won’t hurt me, especially as we won’t even be in each other’s lives when our workplace closes down!

I keep wondering why I’m even doing all of this. Successful at work (which may not last once it closes down), working every minute I can to build up savings to secure my future stability…. but why? A major part of my life is missing, and it is making me so unhappy. I believed in the friendships I had so much that it has permanently scarred me and I just don’t know how to get my heart working again. In the past I’ve always thrown myself into my work to deal with any given problem, but I can’t this time because I’m split over the two jobs and the one I want to commit to is the one I’m losing!

I honestly don’t know why I go on.

Well time to start getting ready for work.

xx

[Ayanna]

Please complain about your GP. What an a…
You can ring NHS England and tell them what you go through and that you need help. Maybe they can help you to get counseling.
Can you not move into a flatshare?

[Alone]

I’m not looking into anything related to housing as I don’t know if I’m going to have a job in a few months. My priority is financial security. But I’m starting to wonder why I’m even bothering when I’m so unhappy and feel like a major part of me is missing 🙁 It’s been long enough that I know I’m the exception – I’m the person no one wants to get back in touch with, I’m the person no one can bear to be around – just like my family said. I can’t go through these patterns again, so I’m losing hope. 🙁

[Starmoon]

Oh no please don’t lose hope! You sound very capable in your work, not disposable at all. Please try and hold on to some self belief. I don’t know what it is you do, but could you look for work els where if you’re worried about the stability of your finances?. And I agree that you should definitely complain about your gp. What a disgrace you’ve been treated this way :(. I’ve personally been fobbed off by doctors so many times. It’s such a shame but I think it’s because they see so many people that they forget we are people sometimes. We become a conveyer bel and they tick the boxes for the most simple solution. I’ve twice nearly died because of a gps negligence. Your situation should not be brushed off like this. You’re clearly very articulate and capable of expressing yourself in righting so please complain and find a new gp. And keep posting here. I’m sure there is ways more can advise you xx

[Alone]

My job that is NOT closing down has now announced pay cuts since I last posted, and I’m one of those affected… a transfer in the closing job is even more important to me now! It’s actually a very difficult industry to get jobs in when you have limitations on availability – which I do due to medical reasons. It’s been made very clear to me that availability is more important than abilities, so for me a transfer is not at all certain. I’m only worried about financial stability if I end up with only the second job, as it will just barely cover my rent, with nothing left over to support myself, eat etc. I don’t want to end up back in the position I was in last year, the only thing that got me through was the thought of returning to my normal life – to getting back to my friends but in reality they didn’t stick around so I have no reason at all to get through anything now. Disowned by family and friends… I don’t like this new life! I worked so hard for it and yet I lost everything that made me want to get it. I will never get over the loss :'(

I am definitely considering making a complaint about the GP I saw. It took me several months to complain about the Citizen’s Advice Bureau – I was told “we don’t give advice here” and then escorted out of the building. I was barely earning two figures a month and wanted to ask about benefits! Apparently they are investigating it, but they haven’t even asked me for the date it occurred on, so I’m not too confident about that being treated seriously.

I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life, as I said in the original post, I am someone who constantly makes plans and surprises, and now all I do is work. I don’t even recognise my own ringtone on the odd occasion my phone does ring, because no one ever contacts me or replies to me. Apart from speaking to colleagues and customers at work, I live in silence, and I hate it. I fought and did all of this because having my friends gave me the strength to fight and believe I deserved more but clearly I didn’t! People fall out and make up all the time, forgive each other etc. I went through a prolonged difficult time and came out the other end, and yet I’m the person that is cut off and never spoken to again. I really feel like my family are right about me. If I didn’t work so much I wouldn’t even have a reason to get up in the mornings!

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