28th December 2020 at 12:19 pm #118539DumbluckParticipant
So, I’ve been out of this abusive relationship for more than (detail removed by Moderator) years but this Christmas made it all come crashing back. I’ve done alot of me work over the years, I’ve found myself an amazing boyfriend who I’ve been in a loving relationship with for more than (detail removed by Moderator) years and I have an amazing daughter. I was safe, I’d moved on, right?
Well, that’s what I thought. I was in a good working partnership with my daughter’s father (the abuser in question) at least I thought.
We have been working in parenting partnership for many years now but like I said, Christmas rolled around and it all came crashing down around my ankles. I can’t go into great detail but I agreed to give him certain dates for Christmas and gave him additional time with my daughter on top of that -it’s always easier just to say yes. But as it got closer I found out that I couldn’t go visit my family for the big day or (detail removed by Moderator) for her birthday without spending a certain amount of time…quarantined shall we say, from my child’s father. I know this isn’t the government guidelines but that was what was needed otherwise it would just be me and my daughter alone on Christmas day.
I told him this and was gutted to miss (detail removed by Moderator) birthday but was hopeful for Christmas, afterall he’d already had her an additional (detail removed by Moderator) nights to what we’d agreed. I was in the supermarket shopping – which is anxious enough in itself when the reply came back a hard no. I troed to focus, I could barely breathe. “Pull yourself together woman!” I carried on as best I could barely speaking to anyone and when I finally got to the carpark I had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. I was like I was there all over again; a helpless, pathetic wreck of a shell. He’d said no. What the hell was I going to do?
I messaged him back and forth explaining the situation, that we’d be stuck in our home alone at Christmas. That my child wouldn’t get to see anyone but he insisted that his parental rights trumped my family’s. I told him he was selfish and how stupid I felt for ever thinking that he’d changed. That I could expect kindness or compassion. I was livid! I cried all the way the to next store. I couldn’t go home to my empty home whilst this was going on; not even with a huge salmon in the back. I was thankful my daughter wasn’t with us.
He eventually got back to me, telling me he’d have to ask his new wife. I hit the roof! Who was she to tell me that I could have my daughter. Just when I was ready to give up and tell him he couldn’t have her at all and I’d be locking all the doors so good luck with that; I got a message saying that he’d move things around if he could have an additional night on the next visit. I gave in even though I knew she wouldn’t like. She hates going to her dad’s for more than 2 nights.
I slumped to the floor as soon as I got in and sobbed so loud that I was surprised the neighbours hadn’t knocked the door to check on me. I will admit that I’m a crier more so when watching a film but this was different; I had no control over it. I wasn’t me anymore, I was the pathetic wretch of a creature I was more than (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. No one could help me. No one. I stayed there huddled on the floor for the longest time.
It’s been more than a week but ever since I keep reliving certain things and I feel like I hage to hhave to figure out a possible argument that could arise and what I’d say. I spoke to my boyfriend and as supportive as he is; he just doesn’t get it and tries tell me to push it to one side. No one understands.
That man violated me. He abused me. He trapped me.His gaslighting had messed my mind up so much I have trouble remembering anything whether short term or long term. I can barely remember the memories I have of my beloved deceased sister. He made me into nothing and I couldn’t even prosecute him if I tried because my memory is so rubbish that I can’t tell you with any accuracy exactly what happened.
I am so ANGRY I could scream.
No one gets it and I hope no ever does.
Anyway, rant over. I hope you’re all doing better than me and thanks and sorry to anyone who reads this.
28th December 2020 at 12:30 pm #118541KIP.Participant
Hey, it sounds like Trauma. The Body Keeps the Score is a good book about how we retain trauma. Have you ever had counselling to help with it. You simply cannot co parent with an abuser and I’m surprised it’s taken this long for the old feelings to come back. Do you have court agreed access for him. That’s how to deal with him and keep contact to an absolute minimum. Use a third party for all contact. And don’t every underestimate him. He’s still the same abuser he always was and his new wife will be getting the same treatment. You can still make a statement to the police. The can warn other women if they use Claire’s Law and your statement can corroborate another victims x
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