It's nearly 2 yrs and I should be celebrating

[NewWings]

I have paid off the huge debt he left me with. I am back at work(though they have not been supportive) Our youngest has learning difficulties but is growing up to be a lovely boy. So why am I seething, I have found out that my ex has been up to spend New Years Eve with my sister and family bringing his gf.
This after me entertaining my sister and family to lunch the day before. I went to a huge amount of effort and made a meal that everyone complimented me on. I rang my mother to wish her a happy new year and was told not to bother to ring her this Sun, why because a new programme she wants to watch has just started. My sister did not ring me up to wish me a HNY nor did she thank me for the meal. I am livid but more than that I feel I have been suckered yet again. The purpose of my sisters visit was to ask me to keep a closer eye on my mother, now that my sister has moved abroad! One of her many questions was Have you been buying antiques? My ex has explained the debts I was left with were because I spent outrageously not because he paid for as little as he could. I feel stupid worthless and extremely low. My sister doesn’t give a fig about me that I know but has the nerve to come to me to insist that I look after my mother who turned diwn my invitation for Christmas Day. Why am I letting these people affect me like this. How does my sister expect me to look after my mother who lives a distance away and has effectively washed her hands of me. I’m working full time and have two teenagers to get through GCSEs. I am at a loss and in the background my husband is trying to manipulate me through the children. He is so poisonous I have no words to describe. He tried to manipulate me into suicide when I was depressed leaving me alone to spend a summer holiday with my sister and her family! I feel totally stupid and torn by duty and yet I don’t think I can do it. My mother has made plain that I am a bad genetic mix. The hurtful things that both my sister and mother have done are breath taking and then I meet the worst of them all my ex. MYbe it’s a case that recognise themselves in each other. After all this is my only sister who sent my mother to tell that she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures. Then was told later that I had ruined them. My sister has blocked me from Facebook despite the fact that I have never trolled her nor would. I have very few friends and totally isolated by my ex long before I got the courage to leave. I hate being sorry for myself but they behave like some kind of Dickensian novel where the woman is always to be blamed and shunned. My ex still contacts Drs etc to say he doesn’t think I am well. This after two years do they ever stop. Sorry for the rant but as I say I livid. Let’s hope it’s a better year for us all.

[katielove]

Dear NewWings,

What an awful situation. Have you thought about going no contact with your mum and sister? I was in a very similar situation and I went no contact for over a year. When I eventually spoke to them again it was on my terms and has remained that way over the years that have followed. In a lot of ways it was a really positive thing to do as I felt that they did not care about me, only what I could give.

After my recent horrendous relationship, I have also learnt to say, ‘No!’. For some reason it has resulted in a little more respect for me.

Regarding your GP – why not move, secretly, to another surgery if there is another one in the area and tell no one?

Good luck x

[NewWings]

Thanks Katie I appreciate your reply sadly I had gone as little contact as possible and it suited both of them. Last summer as a gesture I looked after my niece as my sister was packing to move. No I think I will just have to go no contact again with my sister as she had a very close relationship with my ex uncomfortably so. She has believed every poisonous word he said if me. It’s a long sad story but not uncommon many women runaway and then are dragged back. I have bipolar only diagnosed recently and that has been used against me so everything I say is a lie. My sister stood in court to help my husband get an injunction and non mol overturned. Yet I am able to work in a very responsible job and look after children with no help. You’re right they’re only interested in what they can get out of me. Recently my sister showed me all the expensive jewellery my mother had given her. Talk about gloating. I’m done it’s time to look after myself and mine and forget them they have done nothing for me and never will. Recently I looked after my nephew while my brother went off on an expensive jaunt what did he bring back as a thank you a packet of f**s. I was stunned they went straight on the fire once he left. What a family no wonder I was easy meat for my ex they’d done all the grooming for him!

[Serenity]

Hi New Wings

(Am I right in thinking you are an old forum user?)

They say that people treat you like rubbish because they believe they can. That you’ll take it.

You can’t control what others do or where they go. You can’t prevent your sister meeting your ex.

But you can choose who you allow into your life and space. You can choose how you spend the next 24 hours, the next ten years.

You don’t have to jump when your mother says jump. You dont have to call her when she demands.

You don’t have to invite your sister into your home if you feel she is untrustworthy or trying to keep you controlled to be a ‘good girl’ and be left to do all the work, merely to salve her conscience.

Let your sister and ex meet and talk their rubbish together until sunrise, if that is what the unkind pair want to do.

What you can do is write down a plan of action, which includes things to do for yourself, allocated times to see your mother and where ( in a place suited to you, not in your home if you don’t feel comfortable ) and don’t allow yourself to spend over this amount ; plan how to deal assertively with your mother and sister, what you will say in redline if they try to make you feel responsible or guilty.

Make a plan about the lovely things you want to do in the next years, And tell yourself that your new found independence and daring will ruffle feathers and cause your relatives to complain and accuse you of a,b and c, but that you won’t care, because you are living your life your way and are being the captain of your own ship. X

[NewWings]

Thanks you are right I am an old hand my name had to change moderator thought it was too identifiable. I think what you’ve written is great and I’m going to put it into place. The thing is they have helped him and I know they know he is abusive. They are too but, would never recognise that they are. They were taught well. My sister is incredibly selfish always has been but who am I to judge. Thanks Serenity I appreciate your reply and send love and best wishes for the New Year I have followed your posts and know you have been dealing with a very difficult situation, in a dignified and intelligent way. But I am done I am not going back anymore my door is closed to my sister. The fact that she can’t be bothered to even text Happy New Year says it all. No doubt my ex filled her ears with poison once again. Once again thanks for sound advice.

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