It's not fair

[LyriaTwilight]

I’m so tired. It’s always me. I had to deal with the hateful things he says, the pain from the things he did to me. I had to hide the bruises, the cuts, lie about broken bones. And now I’m the one who has to deal with the tears from the kids when he ditches them for his new girlfriend, or a night out, or because he is just tired. I have to prove myself over and over to social services, the school, support workers, the mental health people, the police, solicitors etc – every single aspect of my life is under watch. And I have to cope with no money because he reported me for benefits fraud out of spite, and because he refuses to pay towards his children despite having as very well paid job. And now I have to deal with abuse from his family and friends. And I’m one who has to take responsibility for keeping myself away from him and his family. I have to listen to the kids spouting lies he has fed them about how I split the family up, he never wanted to leave, he would come back but I won’t let him, he loves them more than I do, I only care about myself etc. I live with locks and alarms all over my house and the constant fear that every little noise is him trying to get to me, that every beep of my phone is him starting his constant messages again. And I have to do this all alone because he never allowed me to have friends, or any kind of job or life, and even now, I don’t have the confidence to change this. And he walks away with his new house, his new job, his new partner and a slap on the wrist from the police because I have no evidence – because *I* failed to report things when they happened – being in fear for my life isn’t an excuse apparently.
It’s not fair. It’s hard. And I’m tired. And it happens to so many women. I wish things were different. I wish things were better. I hate him, but I hate myself so much more.

[danicali]

yes, it happens to so many women. he gets away with all of it, lives well, and we live in ruins. some of us left with chronic health conditions because of years of abuse and distress. you know im not sure what’s worse. abuse off your ex, or the compounded abuse off the entire system that you desperately look to help you, but they just spit in your face and call your a liar or treat you like you dont matter, and let him have what he wants. this is a plague of our society and i dont see it being fixed because men dont want it fixed. for them, this works just fine. they’ve got us right where they want us. if we comply and stay, things will be better than if we leave. if we leave, they will destroy us, take the kids, and everything else in their horrid little handbook of evils. and society sits back and allows it or turns a blind eye or enables it.

try not to blame yourself for getting into a relationship with an abuser. not your fault. it is however your duty never to fall into one again, with anyone. you have control over that. use what you know to never again get into this set up with a man. only healthly relationships, or none. x

[Serenity]

Hi Lyria,

Don’t hate yourself. He’s projected all this negative stuff onto you- but it is a reflection upon him, and is no way deserved.

I don’t know how much support you are getting? It’s very hard to deal with such onslaughts without proper support. Have you received any counselling or attended any support groups?

Just wanted you to know you’re not alone. We all know what you’re going through. x

[LyriaTwilight]

Hi, thank you both, I do have mental health support in place, and they are setting up a care plan with long term council funding for a support worker to help me get out and about and attend groups etc. We have a family MAST worker and my eldest son is getting support through the young carers scheme – again, this is all centred around my mental health issues. I haven’t spoken to anyone really about the DV side of things…it has been a bit much to contemplate so far I think. But I guess bottling everything up and trying to deal with everything myself isn’t the best idea long term. I do really struggle with therapy, especially group therapy…I find any social occasion difficult, but talking about myself is even more so x

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