Its ok to not be ok

[Quietgirraffe]

I’ve been having a lot of bad days lately, not missing him or feeling sorry for him or anything but just feeling low and depressed with a mind that can’t think clearly. I’ve been feeling frustrated about this because its been many months since I left the relationship, and though the harrassment continued long after that, I have been free of it for a few months now and am almost at the end of the unexpected long and arduous proccess of having a restraining order against him.

I feel like at this point, I should feel vindicated, liberated, and free, that since the papaer have now been served and i have sort of triumphed, all my frustrations and negative self-talk should disappear because I can now move on with my life. And I feel like other people around me want to see me in that place now that I no longer have to be trapped by the situation.

But the fact is, I’m just not there. Having a legal triumph doesn’t magically replace the self-love I lost because of his manipulations, it doesn’t take away the effects of the years of chronic stress because of the abuse, and it doesn’t suddenly give me back the life I lost while I was with him. I am reminded everyday by my surroundings that I am koving where I am and sleeping on a sofa bed because of HIM. Its impossible to escape that, even when things or mostly alright in my life. Theyre not exactly what I want, but I am very lucky for what I have.

Perhaps I am just in a prison of my own mind; maybe I don’t yet feel liberated because I am unconsciously holding on to my attachmemt to that relationship and situation because I dint have much else of interest to focus on in my life, because I’ve become addicted to drama?

At any rate, I realized after my codependent anonymous meeting today that its ok to feel bad. I don’t have to be anything other than what I am right now, and I’m allowed to be gentle with myself about it. So I suppose that all this was just a really round about way of saying that it’s a revelation to realize that we are allowed to accept ourselves exactly as we are, and I hope that realization can help someone else who’s struggling like me.

[Lisa]

Hi Quietgirraffe,

I am sure your post will help others, thank you for sharing with us.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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