It's over but he will not leave…telling everyone I'm abusive

[cassandra05]

Hello All, I have been in a very long term relationship with a controlling, coercive partner. He s intimidated me, threatened to kill me, himself, or both of us, smashed up my stuff, told me what to wear, blamed me for everything that is wrong in his life, sexually humiliated me, isolated me from family and friends and other things that are so far out of any experience that I can not mention it since it could identify me. He had me, cooking, cleaning, doing his paperwork, sorting his finances, been his therapist, running his baths, his taxi, washing his clothes, I even had to bring him and keep his glass of water-filled.

I have been wanting this to be over for so long but he scared me, I honestly thought my only true and safe way out of this was for him to end it, during a verbal attack with that intimidating presence, he is so much bigger than me; I threatened to phone the police. I had finally had enough, I was so scared. Yet this particular attack was nothing compared to the years of previous attacks, but over the last few years, his tact had changed from just out and out of rage to spite and cruelty. He said I deserved it, I know I didn’t yet somehow after years of manipulation I honestly thought, maybe I do, is there something I can not remember that I did years ago that I deserved to be punished for, he keep saying this, he kept saying that the way I acted years ago had traumatised him. The only thing I can think of was that I used to stand up for myself.

As he told me we were through I stayed calm whilst he continued to tell me that I had to agree that his behaviour was my fault, he was not like this with anyone else (the irony) so it had to be me, and that he was the abused one so he was going nowhere. So I am sofa surfing, fortunately, I have very good friends from before I met him, but I do have to go back to the house everything is mine in it. I can not afford to rent anywhere else, he is loaded. I do have support from women’s aid, but my mental health is so bad, all the abuse is just suddenly engulfing me now I am no longer making excuses for him and just simply trying to survive one moment to the next.

I have recently been told he is walking around town looking homeless and telling all who will listen to how abusive I have been to him. It is devastating to me and shameless of him, why do they do this? My head is swimming, I can no longer trust myself and my own thoughts about him or pretty much anything. I just do not understand why an abuser calls the abused their abuser.

Thanks for reading my story any help would be so appreciated, I’m scared of my own reasoning at the moment.

[KIP.]

He is trying to discredit you so that when the truth does come out, he hopes people won’t believe it. My ex did the same and so do most abusers. They’re so scared of being exposed that they will do everything in their power to make you look crazy and abusive. Absolutely zero contact and if you’re going to collect belongings then take the police with you. You could report his abuse to the police and try to have him removed using an exclusion order. Get some good legal advice but stick to zero contact with him. If it’s a joint tenancy then he should be removed as the abuser. Lean on women’s aid for support x

[KIP.]

Forgot to say, yes he’s going to play the victim now big style. Rise above it all. Ignore him and eventually people will see through his lies x

[Anonymous]

My ex did that. But no one believed him. You know you aren’t the abuser and the truth will out itself

[cassandra05]

Thank you Kip and Landy.

Odd isn’t it that the shame, embarrassment and simply self-respect and dignity stops me/us from shouting this from the highest rooftop. I know I am his victim yet I would never want others to view me as such; his whole existence revolves around playing the victim, to me, to the state, his family, his so-called friends and now anyone who will listen. I have had support with women’s aid a couple of times over the last couple of years trying to figure this out and they, fortunately, made me realise the importance of sharing this with friends so I have 1 friend who I began to tell 2 years ago. They are putting straight anyone who I respect and care about straight, but yet I hate the thought of strangers or those who do not really know me believing his c**p. The damage he as done to my mental health scares me, the thought that strangers looking at me might be thinking it’s her that crazy abusive one, I know but I live in a small place.

I have thought about going to the police, if not for myself but so that any unfortunate women who meet him in the future would be believed by them. It is apparent to me now that the way he talked about his ex’s was to get sympathy and play the victim with me, to keep me from talking to them, and the initial manipulation tactic and control by which I changed my behaviour so that I did not act in the ways he told me they acted, the first sign of coercion I suppose and a great way to tell if I would be easy to manipulate, coerce and control in the future. Only now I hear the meaning of the phrases he used like “nobody knew how crazy my ex was, I managed to help her in (control) the way she behaved around others.” I was so blind

Anyway if I get the police involved my fear is that if it goes nowhere it is something else he can use against me. If he was not charged and found guilty he would quickly spin and manipulate it to his advantage…I told you how crazy she was/is, telling lies about me. His innate ability with language and argument could convince most that the sky was green. I shall discuss this with my support worker, thank you, but I do worry and have witnessed so many hurt even more by going down this route

As far as staying away from him I have to go home, he does not even own a towel, pot or pan never mind the furniture. I feel like a burden on my friends, women’s aid will only put me in a refuge hours away from my only friends and support, who I have not seen for years but have been so kind. Also, I have to sort out hundreds of pounds of bills with him, I can not afford them alone.

I am just so tired and exhausted all I want to do is go home curl into a ball and cry, but I have no home anymore. It’s all so sad.

[Lisa]

Hi there Cassandra, welcome to the forum. I am glad you have found it. Thank you for sharing your story with us, I hope it will help you to get some support from others who understand what you are going through and how you are feeling.

It is good to see that you have been supported by Women’s Aid previously, do reach out and get all of the support you need. A support worker would help you to consider further reporting to the police, particularly your safety concerns around this.

Keep posting

Best wishes

Lisa

[Findmyself]

Hi Cassandra,
My current situation is very similar to yours I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody and my abusive ex is using this against me. He’s currently telling everyone I am psychotic and a pathological liar with huge mental health problems. I cannot go out in the street without people stopping me to tell me what he’s said or asking if I’m ok. My ex currently has a new partner and is using this to rub it in my face how great he is. He sends me copies of intimate messages, nudes etc between them but waits for me to look at the messages and then quickly deletes them so I have no evidence. I have spoken to the police but without evidence of the messages they cannot do a lot.
They are urging me to press charges for harassment but I feel scared like you to do so. I don’t have a women’s aid worker as my nearest centre is 28 miles away! But feel I would not believed if I did report everything with the police.
At the moment I just try to get through each day. I have gone no contact with him (although he is still managing to send messages through somehow?)I’m not sure what the answers are right now I want to sell my house and move away but am aware this isn’t going to happen quickly so I feel completely trapped in my situation.
Please keep me posted if you find anything that helps and if you do go to the police let me know you get on.
Is there anyone who found the police helpful or did this just bring more hassle? I too just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world!

[KIP.]

I didn’t think I would be believed but the police were great. They took my statement. Now they can use it as corroboration should another victim come forward. Perhaps other victims have already reported him. You can ask the Police using Claire’s Law if he has any previous dealing with them. If at all possible I’d urge you to make a full statement. There are time limits for certain crimes for charging someone. There are new coercive control laws too. We minimise the behaviour of abusers as a coping mechanism but the police will take it very seriously. Start by writing a journal of all the abuse, dates and times as close as you can and any witnesses. Little things you might not have seen as abusive at the time. Belittling you, frightening you, calling you names, stopping you from leaving etc.

[cassandra05]

Findmyself, I am so sorry to hear about your situation, it is truly heartbreaking. I hope YOU know the truth about your mental condition, mine as told me throughout the years I have Borderline Personality Disorder among others. As we split he had decided that I was a n********t and pathological, and the abuse he had taken from me was learned helplessness, because I did everything for him because he threatened me with violence, and killing me and suicide, or killing me then killing himself if I did not. The amount of googling he does for mental health conditions is astounding; yet never seemed to come across Projection. All that you describe is a common tactic use by the abuser, I have being taught by my worker.

I am not sure how he is sending you the messages but there will be a digital signature somewhere as to when sent and from whom, also if say a JPEG file or any multimedia image has a specific signature code. If the police were to look into it these things can be easily verified. A friend who had to deal with a serious harassment from an abusive ex told me about a clever trick she used. Do you know when you send an email that can not be delivered and it returns the message. You change the information to make it look like it as being rejected from all your email account and every time they send a message you send the one that says it can not be delivered back to them. They believe you do not have the email/message but you do, she collected a lot of evidence this way.

It is unfortunate you do not have a Women’s aid near you have you tried contacting them to see if they could set up a meeting with a support worker closer to your village/town, they can meet you away from the office I think, or maybe put you in touch with some group/support closer to home, you deserve all you can get to help you with relocating, counseling and so on.

Findmyself please look after yourself, and keep posting, you have probably lost a lot of what it is to be you in all of his games, I know I have, tell your GP, write a letter to your GP telling them all the abuse you have suffered and how it as affected you. I did that today, very clinical, bullet points, emotionally detached because I know once I get in the GPs office I will fall apart and not have anywhere enough time to discuss all I have been through and how badly my mental health as being affected by this, maybe you GP can get you support. Also if you wish to go to the police in the future it is recorded with them.

KIP like you say I minimalised the extent of my abuse last year I scored just 1 point under the legal threshold to safeguard me, this scared me, this year higher, but because we have now split for some reason the risk goes down. Odd since women’s aid and other sources are telling me I am in the most dangerous part of an abusive relationship, the trying to get away. I am still live in the house with him, sofa surfing as much as possible. Like you say I want to tell the police so that other women in the future have some recourse if they go, I know he already has a police record but not sure if he as any for violence, I should check. The new laws whilst truly excellent do concern me in the sense that once you have made your statement it is then out of your hands and whilst I still have to live in the same house that could be very dangerous. But I do have an over riding sense of moral duty to myself and future victims to at least look into it. I will talk again to my worker and get back to you all.

A huge cuddle to all who read this.

[Author]

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