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I went back….it took a matter of weeks. It was the apologies. He never apologises. I was sure of what he was, but somehow felt like I needed more evidence. I’ve been going to dv counselling the whole time we’ve been back together. It’s helped. A few weeks in and things were back to before. Only worse, because I had no family now….they made it clear they didn’t approve. But, somehow, I kind of just accepted that it was my lot. He at least was supporting his drug and drink habit himself with the benefits he got. But he ran out of money and he already owed me some so I wouldn’t give him any. He was in withdrawal from the drink in (detail removed by Moderator) days. Really bad. I didn’t realise how dependent on it he had become. I couldn’t talk without a mouthful so I stopped talking to him at all. It ended in a row….I say row, but I barely spoke. Told him to leave (not for good) but he flipped. Trashed the living room, broke stuff threw something at me….and our son was there. So it escalated. As it does. I didn’t think he’d do that I guess, not really. He also called by disabled son an offensive word and slated my eldest….who are both really great kids. I got a load of abuse over text. All my fault of course! I won’t have it. I told him I’m done. I’ve never done that before. He hasn’t sent me abuse. Mostly love bombing. But I’ve done really well and only talked about our son. It’s been a few weeks. Christmas has been hard. I don’t want to be with him but this urge to be in contact with him can be overwhelming. It’s like an addiction. He texts me about our son and I always respond. So (detail removed by Moderator) he did that on the premise of asking about him, but then asked me (detail removed by Moderator). I stupidly replied (detail removed by Moderator). Partly because I was worried that he would hound me (detail removed by Moderator). But of course, he only wanted to know (detail removed by Moderator). He’s so distraught but it didn’t stop him going out. And not even a New Years message….which I have had every year since I met him, even when I was with someone else. And I’m fretting because he may have been with another girl. And it’s stupid, because I don’t want him. And I shouldn’t be bothered. But I am. I’m angry and hurt and upset. I hate it. What he’s done to me. That after it all, I’m still sat here hurting.
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It’s going to hurt, and your going to be raw but you’ve been so strong in leaving. Keep reminding yourself of how he spoke to your kids and what he let them witness. It is hard to accept that he will move on but your so much better off without him. Try to stave thd urges to contact him off, do what you have to do because these feelings will ease. Give yourself some you time. It does get better and life evolves and changes so you won’t be stuck in this phase for ever. One door closes for another to open. Xx 💕 DIY
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Thank you for your kind words. It’s so hard to make others understand how it feels. They try, but you can see them wondering why you can’t just walk away. How can I explain when I don’t even understand it? Thing is, it’s no different to when we were together….he would have gone out and I wouldn’t know where he was or who he was with and I would have been even less likely to hear from him. Even if he was here, he would have got drunk on his own, stayed up late and lay in bed all day. I’m frustrated at myself for being bothered at all!
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Exactly, but we do understand though we’ve been there as well. Look up trauma bonding that’s what your experiencin. Try to understand why your feeling like this it really helps. It lifts the blame your putting on yourself, you’ve been conditioned by him, it’s like grooming. It takes time and probably counselling. I was trauma bonded too, I didn’t get counselling and I had no idea that’s what these feelings are. It’s definitely not love,I don’t give my ex a second thought, my life is so much better now that I got away. Yours will too xx DIY 💕 💕
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Wow reading your posts sci-figirl was like looking back on my past!!!
My ex was exactly the same and I did the same as you took him back over and over again and it just got worse each time. Constantly doubting yourself thinking it ain’t that bad or you’ve made your bed now lay in it but please please believe me when I say it will get better it truely will.
I’ve been split from my ex now (detail removed by Moderator) and I’ve finally stopped missing him and finally stopped letting him control my emotions. Your first step is to accept the abuse and realise what he has potentially done to you then you can recover. It’s a hard long road but it’s so worth it. This Xmas was about me and the kids. Not worried about where he’s been all night. Not worried about Waking him up cos he’s in bed all day. Not worried about visiting family. Not worried about pleasing him just like a child. You can do this. My ex got with someone else very quick and it killed me but now I couldn’t give a s**t. I’m glad he’s with someone else now. And I promise you will feel like that too if you stay strong!!! -
I knew about trauma bonding but did some extra research. And it’s such a relief! To know that, actually, it’s not me wanting him at all. It’s chemistry and psychology….which means that I’m capable of breaking it! I’ve thought for so long that my need for him was because of my love for him and how can you walk away from that?!? But seeing this way just makes so much sense to me. I’ve never really understood why I was so drawn to him….seriously, the man has nothing about him that is remotely attractive…..and it’s always left me confused and frustrated. Even knowing about the abuse didn’t quite explain it. I have still been torturing myself by wondering why I put up with it.
Thanks so much for your input! I finally feel like I have a chance. That the pain I feel will eventually stop and I will be free from the will he has imposed upon me. I know I have a long way to go but I will be kinder to myself now. None of this is my fault….it’s truly the first time I’ve ever felt that!
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