It’s PurpleCloud and I’m almost officially out

[PurpleCloud]

Hi everyone. I last posted on here in August 2020. I can’t believe it’s been that long. Lots of you will know I’ve been on here since 2018. The abuse started before that however, unfortunately. I found this forum and it helped so much. I still stayed, but it helped. I can see my last post, and the post before that, and before that etc and the physical and emotional abuse I was experiencing was getting worse and worse and even to the point I was worried for my safety. But.. I stayed. So not too long ago, something bad happened. I wasn’t safe, I couldn’t get out, and I’m physically broken at the moment. THAT incident was the final straw. I said sorry after it happened, and he said (detail removed by moderator). I couldn’t believe it.. I mean, I could, but for the first time my brain listened to the words that were being said. He said he (detail removed by moderator). For the first time since forever, for years, I heard every. Single. Word and saw it. I believed that night was the last night I would be here, I thought that was it for me. It went on and on and on and I couldn’t breathe. I physically and mentally couldn’t breathe. He wouldn’t let me go to the hospital. He took all the keys out the door. He ended up crying saying he needed help and he started looking through our (detail removed by moderator). I pretended I agreed with all of it and again, reinforced I would change and be a better girlfriend. I was crying because of what happened but also crying because we were okay and if my (detail removed by moderator) it wouldn’t have happened. I was crying because I was praying we wouldn’t have to break up and that he would just continue to love me and treat me with kindness. I was crying because I knew I either leave, or I die.So he went to sleep and I stayed awake all night because I was scared. He said he thinks I should go and stay with my family in the city they live in for a short time to (detail removed by moderator). I agreed because for the first time in a long time he was promoting me seeing my family. He went to work; and I called my best friend. She doesn’t know anything. Not this friend. Nothing. I said “It’s bad here and I need to come home” she stayed on the phone to me and collected me. Straight away. No questions. I explained everything on the way home. Everything. I decided now, I cannot miss out any details because it’s done. It’s absolutely done and my brain is hurting and I have to talk. She took me too my brothers. He was the one who thanked her for getting me and said if she wouldn’t have got me, my boyfriend would be nice again and I’d change my mind. He was right. We packed a case and we went back home. To my real home. I’m here now. He doesn’t know we’re not together. I need to go back to get my things and to break it off and my family will come with me and support me. I can’t break it off right now because he will break my things and I’m scared about what he’ll do. It’s best I break it off in person with my family there and collect my things/ sort the house e.g. decide what is mine, and what is his. It’s hard because he’s messaging me as “normal” but he’s acting strange. He’s stopped texting me good morning and he is waiting for me. We haven’t called once whereas he’d normally call me crazy amounts of times per day. He’s sent me (detail removed by moderator) being sneaky making me feel bad, but he’s worded it in such a way that could be challenged it’s nice. It’s nothing new but I have finally seen what is going on. My mum and dad know I’m home and I’m not with him but I said I will explain to them in time. My plan isn’t to move back permanently, it’s to sort an apartment in maybe a new city, and I’m here whilst I figure it all out. I know what I’m saying is positive, I know it is. Purple Cloud has left. I’m not going back, my family wouldn’t let me for one. But I need support from you guys if possible? I need advice, emotional support, I don’t know what I need but all I know is I was worried to leave because I knew I’d be stuck with my own thoughts and with the trauma. I’m having night terrors again and dreaming of the horrific events. My ribs back stomach legs and neck are bruised. It’s a reminder. I hate this. I’m in a career whereby I support those whom face many horrific events, including this, and yet I can’t help myself right now. I’m working remotely at home and my management know: they’re amazing. They’ve reassured my job is safe no matter where in the country I am. I’m lucky. They’re supportive. But I cannot deal with my own thoughts. It’s like it was easier being in the bubble with him holding on that he’ll change. Now I know he won’t change my mind is racing I feel sick, I miss him, I hate him, I hate everything. I’m more anxious here than I ever was even though I know I’m safe? I went for a walk at a crazy hour in the dark.. I’ve learned to love the dark because I know there won’t be anything more scary in it than what I’ve already faced. Is this normal? Should I be worried? It’s like I have all these thoughts in my head and I’m so confused and scared and I’m constantly panicking when I’m alone. Since I’ve been back old friends have come to see me socially distanced. They have been amazing. He convinced me they weren’t friends and we hadn’t spoke in a long time but one call and they answered immediately. I told them everything. They check in everyday. I’ve had flowers on my doorstep, chocolate, cards. They all said they saw some signs but was confident enough to know I would know what to do in such situation. And they’re right. I did. I’ve been overwhelmed with love since I’ve been here and I’ve found it hard because it’s like I’m not used to this. I can’t deal with it at times and I have to sit alone. Like I said, I now like the darkness and being alone yet I hate being alone at the same time, I think of him and miss him. Once I’ve gone though I’ve gone I’ll never go back. So that’s good. But I’m just stuck with my own thoughts and I don’t know what to do, how to act or how to feel. It’s like when I shouldn’t be anxious I am, and when I should be I’m not. I don’t know why I’m writing all this I guess it’s because I just want some advice and a chat, and to understand if this is a normal response? When I’ve collected my things will this be more normal? How will he react when I collect my things? Will I eventually stop feeling this way? I’m really sorry I’ve just got so much going on in my brain.
Thanks for reading, PurpleCloud x

[ISOPeace]

Wow PurpleCloud, well done!!! I’m so glad you’ve got out and that your friends are being so supportive. I hope you can accept it as a sign of what you mean to people, despite the cruelty your ex subjected you to.

I expect others can give helpful advice on this, but your comment about going back for your stuff worried me. Abusers are so deceptive and if you see him he might suck you back in in some way. Is there any way you could do it while he’s at work? You’ve made such an amazing big step to freedom. Please stay safe! Xxxx

[PurpleCloud]

Hi ISOPeace – thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I hear you when you say that about my things. We haven’t officially broken up (in my head it’s done) but he doesn’t know yet because I’m trying to do it as safely as possible. That did cross my mind and concerned me in terms of how I’d feel when I see him. He’s texting me as “normal” at the moment and it’s really hard.. BUT if there’s one thing I actually know about me, it’s once I’ve started to talk openly about something to family and friends I’m serious and there’s no going back. My family and friends have said to me because it’s my safety, they can’t allow me to go back and they’ll take action if I do. So that’s the support I need. I will get my things, explain it’s over and leave. My brothers will be there too. It’s hard, I’m finding the nights hard especially. I feel sick, but.. every time I think of the last incident I remember I’m not safe if I go back. We have all got to do what’s right and not what our heart feels. We’re good people, and we have been conditioned to only see the good. To break that cycle we have to stay away, and be open, and allow ourselves to heal. Easier said than done, my heart is physically hurting. But we have too. <3

[iliketea]

Jumping in quickly as haven’t got more than a second, but will be back later – Amazing amazing amazing! I am SO proud of you. I am SO sorry for what you have been through. It is the start of your healing journey now. You are So so strong. Wow. I can’t tell you how happy I am you have got away from him. I think of you when I come on to this forum and all the ladies from the first lockdown in 2020, and look out for your posts, and finally, you have made it! More later. xxxx

[PurpleCloud]

iliketea – I PROMISE you when I say this, I have not stopped thinking about your posts to me. I cannot thank you enough for your support, and all of the other fantastic ladies on here. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t struggling. I’m finding it extremely hard to be alone with my own thoughts. And him messaging me is not helping. My brain hasn’t felt this messy in a long time, and I know that sounds weird because I’m out and safe but I’ve never really had to reflect on this, and I’ve never really had the energy too. So now I do, it’s too much. And I’m telling people how I feel and I’m not used to being honest. I have to really think about how I feel and reassure myself it’s a safe space to be honest now. I miss him like hell. I don’t know what I miss. When I think about what he’s done it truly is outrageous. You know, I used to talk to you on here and explain what’s been going on but I never truly linked what I was writing to myself, to PurpleCloud. Felt as if I was just working and documenting a complex case. I was immune to this madness. Does that make sense? You know how I’m telling friends and family, I feel guilty and embarrassed to tell them. Is this normal? Like, I feel as if I shouldn’t be telling anybody and worried they’ll be upset with him when there was lots of good times too and that’s why I stayed. Do you have any advice on how to manage how I’m feeling? I’m sorry, I know that’s such a huge and unrealistic question it’s just I’m a bit worried about how my brain is feeling I don’t feel very well at all.
Thanks again iliketea. I have always remembered your handle name, and I’m never going to forget it. This forum helped me leave, without this forum I truly believe I’d never have even considered this was abnormal. You can be the most clever and beautiful person in the world and this can still happen to you. And I now truly know and believe that <3

[iliketea]

@Purplecloud – Hey sorry I haven’t been back on to check in. How are you doing? I think number one it would be really good if you could get some help from a local domestic abuse support agency. Someone you can talk to and will support you through this. Its going to take a while, just be easy on yourself now, breathe, sleep, exercise and fresh air if you can, and if possible switch off from even thinking about it – I know that is really really hard but you’re probably going to be feeling really overwhelmed for a while. You need to gibe your brain a rest as much as possible. I definitely did, even now a while on, I have moments where I go W*F??? HOW did I let that happen? I’m having weekly counselling from the local DA agency, they are amazing. And pretty much each week we’re going over that question and its always the same answer, it wasn’t me, it was him – and its a learning curve to understand the dynamics of how and why. You’ll have your own story too, it is no way your fault, that’s not what I’m saying, its trying to understand the whys and most importantly how to stay out of it, not to go back to it – I don’t want to see him again but lots of women are trauma-bonded – and how not to have relationships like it again.

In time you’ll feel stronger, I promise. There are online freedom programme courses for free. Lots of books and audio books too, have you looked at any of them before? But maybe now isn’t the time to overwhelm with loads of information – you’re going to be processing so much anyway about what has happened.

So, you could see the local GP and ask for support and a referral or you can refer yourself. And is Rape Crisis a place you feel you could contact and talk through what’s happened to you. And then here, keep posting, we’re all here for you, ask about anything and there will be someone I can guarantee who knows the answer and how to support you. Sending you a massive hug. I’m so pleased you’re away, stay strong, come on here whenever you need to. Can you block him on your phone/email/social media – no contact was the best decision I made, it has made the break so much easier. Wow, I am so pleased you’re out. X*X

[iliketea]

Hey me again – just realised I didnt answer your questions- Yes, this it is totally normal to feel the way you are feeling. You are in shock as you have been holding on and getting by on adrenaline and cortisol for SO long, you have survived, in shut down mode, you have had to shut down the feeling part of you to survive his hideous abuse. And the way you feel about not telling people – yes totally normal too, I felt like that too when I first had support – like I was betraying his trust – but you know what, the minute he started to abuse, he betrayed you, you have zero loyalty to this man. In terms of the good times – it might be an idea to google something called the Cycle of Abuse, this is a tactic of abusers, it makes us foggy and confused, how could they really be so bad, when it can be so good, its a tactic, to keep us there and trauma bonded to them…

In terms of how you are feeling, and your brain – it is shock and trauma – totally normal – totally – you have been hanging on for SO long, keeping going. You can channel that inner strength you have to healing you now, to move past this experience and to a better life that you know you deserve. I would definitely see a GP, and tell them if you can. If you find it hard to say yourself to a GP you don’t know can you go to your own, or can you take a family member who can talk on your behalf. Or, maybe in Covid theyre not doing face-to-face so you can speak on the phone which you might feel more comfortable about. Can you call the Womens Aid number and get some help and support too. You may need some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety tablets to help slow your brain down, and to calm your mind so you can sleep and process too.

There is a women called Caroline Strawson who does some very short podcasts called The N**********c Abuse Recovery Podcast – start from the beginning of them, she’s been doing them for about 4 months I think. It could help you process the different aspects of this and to understand what your brain is doing right now. It will be a lightbulb moment. I can’t remember if you have done much reading or learning about domestic abuse. I would definitely recommend a book that the amazing @KIP on here recommended to me “Healing from Hidden Abuse” – its on Audible too, so you don’t have to read, just listen. Lundy Bancroft “Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” is another good book and I think would be really useful to you, but not on audio, just hard copy, I’d definitely get a copy of that as you can flick through it and see the types of abusers, and the behaviours, its going to be hard, I know, but to start seeing it in black and white will help you to step outside of it too and see what you have been through. You detached, which is natural, to survive. In terms of you being young, you mentioned that to someone else on here, youll be listened to whatever age you are, no would think you would make up something like what youve been through. Why would someone? It is really rare for women to make up domestic abuse. The police will believe you. I promise you. There is no reason why they wouldn’t, and it is not their job to disbelieve you, it is their job to help you. So please don’t be put off by thinking that. Don’t want to overwhelm you with information. Ask more questions, here to help hon. xx

[Watersprite]

Hello again Purplecloud – welcome back! You did it! You’ve come SO far. You’ve faced terrible abuse from a dangerous man. Never go back – not for your stuff not for anything Stop all contact. Speak to women’s aid and your GP and keep posting. Leaving is the hardest and most dangerous time. Now you are free consider if you want to report to police – they will assist you. I’m so very proud of you – it’s normal to feel all the things you describe and healing takes a long time the physical recovery is quicker than the emotional wounds but you have your family your friends freedom and a future and you can make it what you want. Be gentle on yourself. Take care and well done x*x

[PurpleCloud]

Hi watersprite. Thanks so much. All of your posts are making me so emotional. Thank you for you kind words, frequent advice and just supporting me. I could not have done this without this forum and I say that wholeheartedly.
In terms of my belongings, I know what everybody’s saying. The issue for me is I believe he’s taken so much of me, and I don’t want him to take what I have as well. I know it sounds mad, but it’s just how I feel.
Do you have any recommendations for support post relationship. My mind hurts. It really hurts.
With the police, he’s made threats for if I tell the police so my brain is of the view to just not tell them and it will be better?
Please advise? He’s told me there will be significant consequences if I tell the police and I know because I’m young it won’t be taken seriously and he’s VERY clever. He will persuade them what I was saying was lies and then he’d definitely mad at me. Thanks for responding <3

[HunkyDory]

Hello Purple Cloud. I remember you when I was regularly on here some time ago. You have made a huge positive step and have done amazingly well to go and reconnect with your friends and family- it’s wonderful, really, well done 💕 I just want to say, the few weeks after being “out”, yes, it’s hard. All the emotions you describe – it’s intense. And you struggle, but behind it all you KNOW this is what is best for you. The FOG follows you for a while, but when you recognize it’s what we’ve been conditioned to for so many years, you can and will get through it. You have your friends and family beside you now to support.

But I understand totally the mixed up feelings you have. I missed the “nice him” not the real violent drunk normal him. I don’t miss the fear and obligation to jump to his every wish and command. Like you, I came to realize- stay and die (which may well have happened the way things escalated at the end) or leave and learn to live again and battle on. I had some counseling and treatment for PTSD – not really for me, but I do think it helped. I’ll soon be into the (detail removed by moderator) and life is great, as it will be for you. I spent many a night drinking too much and going over and over things – did I make a mistake, was it me? All the usual stuff. Recurring nightmares about him being back, me regretting taking him back and feeling totally stuck. For the first time in a long time I had that dream last night, hence me checking in here, and I feel grateful for the dream, seeing it for what it is and thanking my lucky stars I’m where I am.

You will get stronger. Cut your ties with him 100%, social media, phone, email. Change them all and don’t be tempted or lulled back into going back or contacting him. It’s hard for a while but I’m on the other side now and believe me, it is 10000000 times better. Yes I’m alone but happier for it. I found new interests, reconnected with friends (you Ticked that box already) and treated myself with kindness. It takes time but you’ll get here too. You all will.

Just make sure you have family with you when you collect your things – please don’t go alone and try to go when he’s out. Be safe, and trust in the brighter future that is waiting for you over here. Big hugs, well done and keep going. HD X*x

[Eggshells]

Hi Purplecloud,

Well done. You’ve made it, you’re out. Please don’t go back, not even with your family. Apart from being risky, it will be traumatising for you and – judging by the confusion you’re feeling, you already sound traumatised enough.

I did go back to get stuff, with family, when I knew he would be out. I had a list so that I could get in and out in an hour. He came back early whilst we were still there and it was sickening. I left so much behind and it really doesn’t matter now. They’re just things. It’s really not worth putting yourself through the hassle just for “stuff”.

It’s really wonderful that you have such supportive friends and family. I wish I could give you a great big, gentle hug. xx

[Watersprite]

Hi Purplecloud I know what you are saying about your stuff but it is safety first every time. Stuff can be replaced – you can’t x in time you will get new stuff and you will feel so proud of yourself that YOU got it and it is YOURS and has no connection to him! Re support women’s aid GP reading mindfulness and your family and friends and us lot! It will take time be gentle with your healing it takes as much time as it takes. Mines slow really slow but still I’m so far on from where I was when I lived with him and from those difficult days after I left. Re police only you can know what you want/need to do what I do know is his voice re your young they won’t believe you is just lies like he always has. And they are so good at their threats. You will be believed by police it’s just whether they have enough evidence is always the hardest bit. My ex also v clever – but not as clever as he thought he was. Definitely no contact tho purplecloud then your mind can begin to heal. You’ve got this!! X*x

[iliketea]

@Purplecloud, how are you doing? Hope you’re ok. Did you get your stuff? Have you found some local support? I really hope you’re ok, drop in and let us know when you can, be good to hear from you. xx

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