It’s so confusing

[Ariadne]

Hello everyone,

I am having a rough day (honestly some rough years) and I thought I should come on here and write something to vent.
While the abusive relationship has officially been over for a bit, I am still very much trapped in the rumination and the hope that things could go back to the good days. As you might’ve seen in my previous posts, I have even been in contact with my ex, and we’ve been talking about getting back together. I stick with the talking, though I feel really bad about this. It’s like I’m leaving us both in limbo, while I’m not able to make a decision. And despite all the bad things about the relationship, I don’t think he deserves that either. I’ve been feeling like a very bad person because of this. I wish I could just stop living in the past, in the hurt, and move on, one way or the other.

(Detail removed by moderator) we had a sort of argument. Recently he has been really hammering down on the fact that I prioritise a guy friend more than him (he doesn’t even know how much I talk to that friend of mine). No matter how much I tell him that we’re just friends, and we don’t even talk every day, he still feels like I am prioritising my friend over him, and that that is contributing to me not taking the leap with him.
I am confused/conflicted. I know that he has reason to want to clarify things and be suspicious because when we broke up I lied to him when I started dating again. Still, I also find this very similar to past behaviour he had in the relationship when he had no reason to demonstrate that kind of control and jealousy then…

I am even more confused because he has been always there, even though we have broken up for a while. He has always wanted me back and has even forgiven me when I lied and all my hesitation. He seems apologetic, even though I don’t think he fully grasps that what he did was abuse. It is so odd to me to see the supportive, constant, understanding and kind side to me, when I know that he can also snap sometimes. I am not sure how to face this situation.

I have asked for counselling at my local DV centre, but the waiting list is months long… I will be starting the Freedom programme soon, but not sure how receptive I am while still in this confusion…

[Bananaboat]

Hello I didn’t want to read and run. Only you can make the decision on whether to try again or not, so many of us have been there, but just from your post here today I’d say there’s some red flags to consider. He’s making you feel guilty for speaking to your male friend, trying to reduce/control the contact you have with him, saying things like ‘you’re not committing to me because of him, this is also in the stage whilst he’s trying to woo you back and convince you he’s the amazing man you want. I’d be very cautious if I was you. Take this time to educate yourself, watch Dr Ramani on YouTube, read Lundy Bancroft and pat craven if you haven’t already. Your brain is probably remembering all the good times, you might be missing the idea of him, but don’t forget the bad times too and why you broke up. Don’t rush, if he’s really changed and wants you, he’ll wait until you’re ready x

[Ariadne]

Hello, Bananaboat

Thank you for your reply! I do feel like these things make me uncomfortable or are red flags but for some reason, I can’t detach. I keep making excuses for why he behaves this way. I’m reading Lucy Bancroft, and will try to find Pat Craven next. Thank you <3

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