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For me to get my head around the fact that a father can behave like he has and does. Going all out to please this women. Bending over backwards there’s me struggling worrying trying to plan things. He’s walked away no conscience whatsoever I really feel humiliated. And there’s no doubt he’s spoken to her son who’s same age as mine… U would think he’s thinking we’ll I have my own son and I’m not allowed to see him z
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It’s his shame not yours. He will never change but you can. Concentrate on yourself. You imagine what he is doing. I did that and it turned out I was way off the mark. My ex was busy trying to hook in his next victim, looking for his n**********c supply. It all back fires in their sad little world eventually. By then you can have a good life sorted for you and your boys X
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Hi Better Days,
At the end of the day, our abusers are all pretty rubbish partners and fathers.
Some might try to pretend ( after they’ve left) to be the doting dad, to try to get back their ex-partner or to try to look good to other people; but at the end of the day, those of us with exes who keep up contact with their kids are just as aware as you are with your lovely boys that their father doesn’t really care- that it’s all to suit their purposes, that they start to neglect their children, and can become abusive at the drop of a hat, becoming bullying again and unkind ( like they always were).
Take my ex. He was unkind to my kids when he lived here, even stated that the ‘kids were the problem’ many years ago, and was cruel to them; yet when he left he suddenly began ‘fighting for his father’s rights.’
What was and is horrible is that so much of his motives are so transparent. For example, he did his utmost to try to get my eldest ( who he’d wished dead to his face) to go and live with him for 4 days a week- and tried to get my youngest to live there knowing this would negate my right to child tax credit and child benefit. Yet he knew how much my kids meant to me. I full well know his motives to destroy me financially and to punish me for loving my children. And now, he returns my youngest days early. My youngest says that his dad shouted at him last time he was there. My ex still does things to abuse my children- even trying to encourage my eldest to make bad choices. They don’t really care. It’s all a power game.
A friend of mine told me that when she was a child, her father only wanted contact with her when he had a new girlfriend- as if to use her as a trophy, to make him look good and safe to the new woman. But he didn’t bother with her the rest of the time.
What I am trying to say is, abusers don’t all fit one mould. They all try different tactics. My ex cares about his kids no more than yours does, at the end of the day, and it sickens me that he tries to pretend he does.
Your ex night not be as manipulative and conniving it that way, in terms of using his kids as a trophy or weapon. But there’s no difference between your and my abuser: they both put themselves first, think only of themselves, though mine does a better job of being fake to the outside world.
None of this reflects badly on you or your children. You are all valuable and beautiful human beings. It’s just that abusers are unable to care about anyone but themselves, and are jealous of people who are able to love others, because they know they don’t have that in them. Their love and concern for themselves takes up their whole life. They get into relationships to have others pander to their needs- not to care about other people.
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