Its so helpful to remind yourself of the abuse once your out…

[Healthyarchive]

I’ve been out of my relationship for over (detalil removed by moderator) months now & with zero contact on either side during that time. As the time goes on I have found that your thoughts & feelings change from pure hate, anger, anxiety and hostility to more of a flatness, sadness and possibly depression, mixed with positivity etc. I am finding it so helpful to re read the books that I read and underlined when we first broke up, i have just read one and it sickened me to see some of the behaviours that were happening and have not been happening since i’ve been on my own. It reminds you how sick and bad it was and seems to make you stronger, particularly if there is some trauma bonding as there is for me.

[Suntree]

I find it good to look at how far I have come since learnt about the behaviors of a good person and those of an abuser.
I use the positive from it. ie I survived that I can do this, when I feel scared.
I also found my old diaries and saw the pattern that I was in, that I kept putting myself in because I didn’t know what was good behaviors and what was not. My normal’s were so turned inside out and upside down.
I ripped them all up and threw them out along with all the photos with him in because they were all a lie. I didn’t want to grieve over a lie anymore.
Now I don’t look back in that way. I use what I know to help understand my triggers and responses and look at learning to be able to move forward.
It has really helped me move forward to learn about how good, normal people treat each other.

I am finally being able to put down the metaphorical stick that they beat me with and I unwittingly carried on with.

[Herindoors]

I am having counselling. It still shocks me when I describe his behaviour and she says things like ‘that must have been very scary’ or ‘why do you blame yourself for that’ etc… I know logically what she is saying is right but I am still shocked that someone else recognises the abuse and points out to me how damaging it was. Its confusing because my family saw it but because they are nice people they would say things that excused his behaviour at the same time as pointing it out to me. Like most normal people they couldn’t actually beleive he could be that bad.
I know now that no contact, getting that headspace to reflect on what happended, is so crucial. And if you can get counselling, do it, because they are not emotionally tied you and so you get a realistic view of what happened. It all takes time though, no quick fixes x*x

[betterdays]

Hi herindoors I’ve been out over (detail removed by moderator) mnths but less than a year I’m all over the place could I ask what books u read? I’ve read why does he do that and living woth dominater on my 3rd freedom programme x

[missiepie]

I remember going to a counsellor while I was with my ex because I though I was going crazy and she pointed me in the direction of the book “why does he do that” it was a game changer for me because until then I thought I was crazy.

I thought when I broke up with my ex life would be great. Now I just seem to be in another form of limbo.

I have no confidence, and I miss him. When I miss him I remind myself of the horrible stuff he did..and that I was right to leave. But in recalling those things I get so upset and depressed. Both happy and sad memories of our relationship are painful for different reasons.

I have started to see someone new and its hard. For all those that feel lonely and miss a cuddle, believe me its not easy letting someone new into your life. I struggle being intimate now. I just feel like my head is somewhere else.

[Healthyarchive]

Suntree, thanks for your response……. I liked your word triggers, thats not something I have considered before, what are my triggers but I am going to give this some thought as i think it will help me. Journals and diary’s are so good for getting things out, i have always kept a diary, it makes really grim reading and they are always about abusive relationships. I never knew what was right, wrong, normal or not normal, i put it down partly to me not having much former relationship experience, not being very assertive, the subtle manipulation must have played a part too though obviously I didn’t know that at the time. X

[Healthyarchive]

Herindoors, thanks for your response………..I didn’t realize when I was in the thick of it that it was abuse, all i knew was that i felt very miserable, highly anxious, confused and insecure. It was only when he started getting more obvious in his tactics as well as letting slip obvious abusive things that he does that i started to read up on abuse, it was like it all started to make sense. No Contact really does work for clearing your mind and feeling better. Sadly i feel that I miss him and love him still, i think this is trauma bonding X

[Healthyarchive]

Missiepie, i miss my ex, i feel that I really miss him and I still really love him. I blocked him from contacting me, i don’t know if he has, if he has he hasn’t tried very hard as they are lots of ways to contact a person and i’ve had none of those. I havn’t contacted him either, though think about doing so sometimes. I suspect it is trauma bonding, combined with the silence & emptyness of No Contact. Maybe as well it is a bit about him still holding power by not contacting me. Its hard to fathom out. I know that when we were together most of the time i wanted to be somewhere else doing something else, he irritated me and I felt happier without him. It therefore does not make sense this craving and sadness that i still feel. Many people on here talk about trauma bonding, it must be that. X (when i read the book last night and could identify with the abuse it was awful)

[missiepie]

Healthyarchive,

Gosh yes….being with my ex was so hard. I was on edge all the time…constantly apologizing, running after him, walking on eggshells incase I triggered him to just fly off the handle. I just wanted him to change. I didnt want him gone. But when it dawned on me that he would never change and he pushed me too far I walked away. At first it was all hate from him…then it turned into “you dont even fight for me”. I realised he was addicted to me chasing him and groveling for him not to leave me. It was like a twisted power game, he would push me away and be nasty so that I would worship/chase him and agree to everything he wanted to get him to stay.

Its just a time when on…I didnt feel relief when he came back. I felt trapped. I couldnt be with him and I could be without him.

I think they stop contacting when they start to fear your rejection. Its a pride thing. If they contact you and you dont return their contact they lose their power.

[Healthyarchive]

Yes my ex was into the power game of me chasing. Sometimes he acted like an arrogant king, i felt like i was a servant. He used to always say to me that he wanted an equal relationship and I would say that I feel that you are far superior to me, i really did. He didn’t like that and got offended. But if a person is not treating you like an equal, showing you respect, acting like a decent human being, it makes you feel unequal & it won’t be balanced. I felt he got pleasure from seeing me chase him. We were highly dysfunctional now I think about it, i was like the little woman and that is not my true nature.

[missiepie]

I think I would just have liked a sorry. Just an acknowledgement that it was not ok. That I want mental. Just a simple sorry.

[Healthyarchive]

If mine had said a sincere and meaningful sorry, cuddled & comforted me, listened to my issue, properly listened and tried to understand, allow me to be angry, if he had done those things my mental health would have been preserved and our relationship would have been strong, I got the opposite of each of those.

[TurquoiseFairy]

I separated from my abuser in (detail removed by Moderator), he died in (detail removed by Moderator) and what has happened since his death has brought up a lot of old pain. I don’t think it ever goes away completely but I have learned not to suppress it now. I allow myself to feel it without wallowing as I know the only way is through. x*x

[Serenity]

Turquoise Fairy,

You have phrased it so well, what I was trying to express in a post earlier on in the week.

That I hoped that one day we would all find our strength again and that the abuse wouldn’t define us- but that we could cope with its reality.

I think when we are in an abusive relationship, we are just battling for survival. Then we go through the trauma bonding and PTSD, anxiety, and sense of loss, as well as feeling a lack of identity and of being defined by our abuse. It takes so long for the body and mind to heal. And you can’t hurry it- it needs to happen in its own time.

Eventually, with hope, we are able to come to terms with what happened to us. To not blame ourselves, or feel shame or self-hatred, and not to fear the reality of what happened, and also not to deny that if happened or to minimise it, but to have the strength and courage to face the difficult feelings, not push them away or turn them inwards to reflect badly on ourselves, but to accept the truth face on that this bad thing happened to us, it is unfortunately part of our history and who we are, but that we are strong enough to deal with the reality and to not allow our sense of self to be destroyed in facing this reality head on.

What happened to us was beyond awful, and took great courage to live through and to escape, and its dreadful nature can’t be minimised. We can’t deny its truth, nor should we need to, and it shouldn’t be hidden away due to us feeling guilt or shame.

I hope that each of us ladies here finds a way to integrate our terrible experiences into our everyday that allows us to operate effectively, find confidence and joy in the everyday, find peace,reach our potential,and that helps us to protect ourselves from further abuse in the future.

[Author]

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