It’s so subtle am I mad?

[Chocolatebunnie]

I am sorry as my situation is nothing like you others, it’s subtle and wearing me down.

My daughter in her teens has extreme social anxiety and autism she has school refused but we are getting sorted now. She see a counsellor this is the second one. Each of the two counsellors have warned me to protect her. At the moment I am not allowed to leave her alone with her dad as when I’m not there he has outbursts which frighten her.

Christmas, birthdays etc he gets moody, makes me anxious. Same this year. Little digs like he’s the only one who ever tidied or washed up. He’s moody until he’s had a joint.

He talks to me with a subtle air which implies I’m not being a fit mother it’s do subtle I can’t react or approach him, he will say it’s me.

I tried to split earlier this year but. Any face my younger children not being with me st eeekends. At the moment it’s the only things stopping me from ending things. We tried counselling the counsellor implied I was maybe sensitive. He was better for a bit but it’s going back to how it was before.

He wants me to be intimate but I don’t feel it anymore which has made him very insecure causing him to say I’m frigid

Sorry x

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome. My ex called me frigid whenever I refused to be intimate. It’s very typical behaviour from an abuser. Have you contacted your local women’s aid for support? Who says he has to have the children when you separate? He’s a drug user and unfit parent. He should be lucky to get supervised visits. At the very least through a contact centre. Have you had good legal advice from a solicitor who know about domestic abuse. Counselling won’t work with an abusive partner. They twist and manipulate everything. If two counsellors are telling you he’s abusing his child then you may be able to get an occupation order or a non molestation order to get him out the home and keep him away. Knowledge is Power. Ring the help,one number on here to begin with. Keep a secret journal of his behaviour. All evidence you can get hold of. No you’re not mad, you’re being abused.

[freedomtochoose]

Please leave with your child and go to a women’s refuge. This can only get worse.
It is difficult to face and not an easy journey.
Please leave.
all best
ftc
x

[Halfwayout]

Don’t know if you’ve read the thread on Gaslighting on the General Discussion board on here, I found it helpful. xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and welcome 💞you are not crazy what he’s doing is called crazy making and can now be classed as grounds for divorce. Have you contacted women’s aid,they can help organise a safe exit plan, they have their own solicitors who deal in DA (domestic abuse). My oh accuses me of getting it elsewhere when i dont let him have sex and also threatens to go elsewhere himself. I no longer care.
Your situation is very like others, it’s all designed to wear us down, so we can’t leave and allow the cycle of abuse to continue. If like many of us, you’ll have been trawling the internet for answers. You’ll get many of those questions answered right here. Keep posting and reading others posts, asks question, any question. This site is totally anonymous so no matter how embarrassing or Intimate your questions are, you’ll get your answers.
I agree with KIP, he won’t get the children, he’s the unfit parent. What he tells you is him actually telling you what he is, it’s called projection. Listen very carefully to his comments, write down the behaviour, dates and times, how it made you feel or the children, it will help gather evidence to get him out of your life. Have you been to your doctor, they keep note of everything you discuss. It’s his behaviour making you feel like your losing your mind, can’t make decisions, feel as if you’re walking on eggshells.
Again well done on reaching out, we all know how difficult that is to do.

IWMB 💕💕

[EbonyRaven]

You have absolutely no need to apologise. You’ve done totally the right thing to come and post here.

What they do is, as you said, so very subtle that we wonder if we heard and felt correctly. I’m glad you’ve woken up to it.

You’ll find lots of support and great advice here. Keep posting.

[diymum@1]

Can you get the counsellors to put their concerns in writing. No court in the land will give him unsupervised contact with professionals on your side. That way you can get away safely without him using the kids to keep you there xx☺💕

[Chocolatebunnie]

I wanted to thank you all for the replies, it’s so supportive when you’re coping on you’re own with this. I am scared to leave or ask him to as I know it will be painful and I don’t feel strong enough. I feel like this is normal but I know it’s not. We have discussed my distancing myself from him he does not understand what is happening. Says he’s a gentle giant. My 2 elder kids want him gone but will want to see him if he leaves, I can’t bear to not have my kids with me while he has them every weekend. My kids would hate me for dropping their dad in it about his drug use, or going for a non mol. It feels a no win situation. My older kids are unhappy with dad here but the younger kids will miss him terribly. I have (detail removed by moderator) with extra needs and youngest is (age removed by moderator). Do I sit this out for a while, just can’t make a decision it’s so confusing x

[Iwantmeback]

As you’ve written you’re older kids are unhappy with him there as you are too. You have the added responsibility of catering for children with extra needs too, you dont need to look after anither grown up child as well. You’re the adult and as difficult as it is, you have to be the responsibly person to protect you’re children. Reach out to WA, let them help you make a safe exit plan, they can put your fears to rest with regards to him seeing the children. You can go no contact, supervised access, but that’s in the future, you need to grab that oxygen mask and save yourself before you can help and protect your children. He says he’s a gentle giant, that’s funny, my oh has been telling me during the holidays how so and so says he’s such a nice guy, as does this other guy and anither. I’ve never met these people, he claims he’s known them for years since he was a kid, he probably has, he knows everybody at the end of the day. He’s trying to portray how everyone thinks he’s amazing, good, would help anyone, it’s just me that thinks he’s an ar…ole . I dont listen to him now, I no longer doubt myself. I know how he treats me in between being the nice man I fell in love with. He’s really been so much easier to live with but it won’t last, something Will set him off sooner than later.
Take care.
IWMB 💕💕

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