20th May 2016 at 7:32 am #17618
The funeral is today. I can’t go, I feel so guilty. I just can’t face leaving the house to go.
20th May 2016 at 7:35 am #17620Falling SkysParticipant
Hi and hugs prisoner xx
There is no reason for you to be there.
Look after yourself.
20th May 2016 at 8:04 am #17624
He’s my husband. I couldn’t be a good wife when he was alive. I’m even worse now he’s dead.
20th May 2016 at 9:43 am #17629godschildParticipant
Please don’t blame yourself in anyway. You are naturally going to have feelings today but think why you can’t leave the house its because of what he did to you.
You were not a bad wife at all, it was him that wasa bad husband, he abused you and kept you locked in and hit you.
There is no way you can be expected to go to his funeral after what he did to you.
It will be a difficult day for you todayknowing that it is his funeral but don’t take any blame or responsibilty for it.
Sending you a big hug take care of yourself today and let others deal with his funeral. xxxxxxxx
20th May 2016 at 2:06 pm #17639Bridget Jones Is FreeParticipant
You have to do what your heart and mind tell you to do, no one can tell you. I am sure you will do what is right in the end. Maybe if you do go to the funeral, you will be able to put some form of closure to part of what you feel, the rest will still be there for you to deal with, but at least saying goodbye, no matter what he did, who he was, will be a door to a new start. You may be surprised what happens deep in your soul if you go or if you don’t go.
Either way, it is you who has to cope with the whole situation and you will need to listen to your inner voice. I would support you no matter what. You can’t be judged for not wanting to go. Anyone would understand and leave you to decide. No one can blame you for anything.
You do have my support. You owe no explanation. You bear no blame none what so ever.
20th May 2016 at 2:09 pm #17640HerindoorsParticipant
Hi Prisoner. I hope this day passes quickly for you.
I went to see a counsellor, before I split with my ex, as I was getting so distressed by the relationship. I explained to the counsellor that my ex was constantly threatening suicide and he told me that if he chose to do that it was not my fault. And I said to him ‘but I am his wife…surely I have a responsibility as his wife to do whatever I can to stop him’… and he kept telling me no. Each person is responsible for themselves. That’s it. No debate. He would not deviate from that response.
Part of the abuse we have suffered from these men is that they make us feel totally responsible for them and their lives. Everything that is wrong in the relationship is our fault, if we just behaved differantly it would all be ok. It would not be OK. We can’t ‘win’, we can’t get it right, ever. That is also part of the abuse.
You are right when you say ‘I couldn’t be a good wife when he was alive’. You are right because he would never have allowed you to get it right, he would have kept moving those goalposts again and again, because that is part of the abuse.
I wish you some peace of mind this weekend x*x
20th May 2016 at 6:44 pm #17644
I managed to get washed and dressed to go. I even made it to the door. But then I completely lost it my dad ended up trying to walk me back to bed.
I’m such a awful person how could I not go to my husbands funeral.
20th May 2016 at 8:19 pm #17647SerenityParticipant
Because of what he did. Because you are facing the truth of who he was. Because by going, you would be putting yourself through hell and damage.
I believed my husband when he blamed me. Your husband’s suicide was the final act of injury to you. He wanted you to feel guilty, to pass on his guilt to you.
But you have nothing to feel guilty for. You were a regular woman who wanted a regular husband and a regular marriage. He made it ugly. Don’t take on his guilt.
He was too cowardly to face what he had done publicly. Well, the world needs to know the truth, his family need to face the truth. Just because he chose to go, it doesn’t mean you need to be pressurised into being silent about it. It is your time for truth-speaking, support, validation and to have your experience recognised. X*x
20th May 2016 at 9:44 pm #17652Confused123Participant
Thinking of u today, focus on u and building your strength, u tried to go but your body told u indirectly it would of been too much for u, u have nothing to feel bad about
21st May 2016 at 3:08 am #17654Falling SkysParticipant
Hope you are feeling stronger xx
You were a good wife, none of this was your doing. I know they say not to speak ill on the dead but he was an abusive man. You didn’t ask for what he did to you. Sadly there was nothing you could have done differently to make things better in the relationship.
I wish you a better future.
21st May 2016 at 9:48 pm #17709LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support. I have been thinking of you, as I am sure everyone here on the forum has. We are all here for you. You have done brilliantly. Please do not feel bad for not going to his funeral. It is utterly understandable that you didn’t and may well have been hugely damaging for you if you had done. There must be so many confusing emotions that you are feeling but please know that you are not to blame for the situation. Try not to feel that anyone is judging you because until they have experienced what you have, they really do not know what they would do. Please be kind to yourself and phone the helpline if you ever want to talk, whenever you are ready.
21st May 2016 at 10:58 pm #17717godschildParticipant
You tried so so hard to get ready but you could never have coped with going, you are too unwell.
How are you feeling now, do be kind to yourself you havebeen through so much.
The emotions you would have felt if you had gone would havebeen overwhelming xxxxxxx
21st May 2016 at 11:09 pm #17718SaharaDParticipant
I’ve been to a lot of funerals and people under estimate how they are going to react emotionally.
It would have been quite possible that you would have broken down at the funeral and made a massive (justified) scence based on your suppressed anger against him. Probably not the best place to break apart people’s (perfect) image of him.
In that situation you or your parents might not have been able to contain your emotional reaction…(particularly if people start talking about him in heaven when you know that is they furthest from the truth ever) (Removed by moderator).
23rd May 2016 at 9:40 pm #17855Bridget Jones Is FreeParticipant
Hi Prisoner, I hope you are feeling a little bit better, just sending you hugs. Xx
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