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Once you start to say out loud (or, at least, on this lovely forum!) the truth of what’s happening, it’s very red pill/blue pill, isn’t it? I feel really, really messed up these last few weeks. I spent so long faking it and pretending everything was manageable, and now that I’ve started to address it even just a little bit, my head is a mess day and night.
H is being very great right now. It remains to be seen what happens (history has taught me that this won’t last) but he’s taking full responsibility for this whole mess, saying he’ll do whatever it takes to make things right, etc etc. The whole atmosphere is making me very, very anxious. He just texted me about bird seed (!) and I had a panic attack. He’s chatting away like things could be normal again, and I’m sitting here thinking and over-thinking every word I might or might not say, in case (a) he loses his temper or (b) he starts feeling like we’re getting closer. And right now I don’t even know which is more terrifying, a real relationship with him (which feels claustrophobic and terrifying) or him losing his temper (which is horrible, but it’s where I’m comfortable).
Apologies yet again for posting something that doesn’t really have any answer!
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Yes yes yes! This is so true about the red blue/blue pill feeling. Exactly how I feel. Like I need to act on it now but I just don’t feel ready and when he’s being nice I can’t believe I’d even question leaving.
Today he’s had a 45 min rant at me, and I’ve actually recorded it all. All the shouting, swearing, gaslighting. But I know I won’t act on it.
Maybe there will come a time. I get how you’re feeling 100% X*x
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I wish I could take the blue pill and I’m out, I don’t want to go back to how it was before I knew, accepting everything was normal behaviour, seeing my grown up children in secret.
Doesn’t matter what they do ‘to make it right’ we all know it won’t last, we know we can’t have a normal conversation as whatever we say is either “stupid”, “you don’t know what your talking about”, “you’re so easily fooled”, or its the precurser to a rant that lasts forever.
I’ve also recorded my oh, the vitriol in his voice is just so heart ripping. I’ve only played it back once, it totally broke me. But not anymore, I’m learning to see him for what he is, a vicious bully, who throws such a strop when he doesn’t get his own way. His favourite accusations are saying I drop everything for everyone else but when it comes to him I don’t do anything, or I’m selfish, I only think of oneself.
The deep sadness inside when we really see him, it’s earth shattering, but we do eventually bit by bit, start putting ourselves back together, some days it’s 10 steps forward and 20 back , but with time and distance(when we eventually leave) we will be okay.
IWMB 💕💕 -
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