I've become a monster

[maddog]

I decked my boyfriend. Again. I have been unconscious when it’s happened. It is terrifying. I don’t want to hurt him. I have no excuse. What the hell is going on? It has happened in my sleep at times when I have felt utterly powerless and my ex is controlling me. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I’ve spoken to WA and Rape Crisis again.

[fizzylem]

I rememeber the last time MD, thing is, you’re lashing out in your sleep, it’s trauma related isn’t it. Things have been sh!t in the past and still are hey. I think it’s perfectly understandable and explained. Hoping he gets this. Of course it’s upsetting and distressing MD, but now it’s happened, in the after, please ty and tell yourself this is what it is and out side of your control, its a reflex really isn’t it. You need peace in your life dont you but he only continues to torment you through the children, which is horrid to deal with and also triggering. Go easy on yourself, please x

[maddog]

My boyfriend is very kind. He doesn’t deserve to be bashed and I’m not even aware that I’m doing it.

[KIP.]

No you’re not a monster you’re recovering from trauma. I had to put parcel tape on the locks because I woke up at 2am heading out the front door in my nightclothes. I’ve also woken up a few times running round the living room in a panic. It’s really frightening but when you know it’s a response to trauma it makes it less frightening. I’m sure your boyfriend will understand and I’m sure there are hundreds of good things in your relationship that far outweigh this. You’re still caught up in the trauma of dealing with your ex and that will trigger lots of anxiety. Can you get some counselling in place and some coping mechanisms for the symptoms of the trauma until your brain settles into reality? Sending you a hug because I know just how scary and out of control this feels. Abuse…. the gift that just keep giving 🙄

[maddog]

I’ve spoken again to Rape Crisis & they are offering outreach support. I don’t feel the crushing shame because I don’t remember. I do remember feeling terrified, angry and powerless, and that my ex deserves a punch on the nose.

My daughter doesn’t always remember when she looses her temper. The same thing? I really don’t know

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