I’ve been dumped

[maddog]

I’m devastated. I’ve spent the best part of the past (detail removed by moderator) with an old friend. Really really slow burn on my part, as he (detail removed by moderator). He was hitting on me hard, and in some way emotionally blackmailing me.

I know only too well that grief plays out in strange ways.

He chose to visit a woman (detail removed by moderator), and now has moved in with her. Just like that.

I haven’t felt this horrible since I was a teenager. I feel utterly bereft. I’ve spent the past few days shaking and my heart is beating so strongly. I can’t eat and I don’t know what to do.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Maddog

What an horrific shock for you. I am sorry for the loss of your close friend, but then to be pursued hard by (detail removed by Moderator), sounds a lot to deal with emotionally.

It worries me that you have been physically shaking and heart racing like this. Its interesting that you say you haven’t felt this horrible since a teenager, is there any possibility that you had some similar shocking rejection like this when you were a teenager? It sounds like his total rejection of you has catapulted you into much deeper historical feelings. The anxiety for you sounds of the scale hard to cope with and I’m so sorry to hear you are in such deep distress. Sending you many hugs.

Whats the best way you have to convince yourself you will be ok? If it were for me I would get out and walk or run or cycle, be physical can really refocus your body and brain onto a different target and give you a break from this intensity of emotions. Something to break you out of it. I know when things are extreme for me, doing the calming breathing exercises are hopeless they just help me focus on how fast my heart is racing etc. It can take something quite energetic and powerful to shift the focus from such strong emotions.

Meeting up away outdoors somewhere can also break your focus, and give you the needed break from this.

Whatever you feel is the right thing for you to give you that initial break.

Despite his awful treatment of you, I am reading that you have escaped a dominator type who has now got his claws into his next victim. (detail removed by Moderator), or did you see any warning flags? Maybe now looking back you may see that there were flags.

I’m so sorry you have been treated this way Maddog and my heart goes out to you in your grief and loss, and I hope you can think about all the good things you could treat yourself to, because when your anxiety subsides your hunger will return, and its worth getting yourself some real nice strengthening foods in for yourself.

All the hugs love.

warmest wishes

ts

[maddog]

Thank you for your lovely message, TS.

It’s been a horrific few days. Shaking, feeling sick, unable to eat, racing heart. A dear friend came over yesterday with ice cream and lukosade.

Yes you’re so right about this dragging up horrors from my past. I have a very high Adverse Childhood Experiences score, so it’s extraordinary that I’m still here at all.

We’re in very different stages of grief and I’ve lost so many dear family members like dominoes. I spoke to my aunt about it, which I’ve never done before. It’s awful being so hungry and unable to eat. x

[maddog]

Yes, I was concerned that he was hitting on me so hard. At times I felt like a cornered animal. I lost a dear friend, and my grief seemed unimportant. He moved into my house as though by osmosis, as he didn’t want to deal with things at home. He took over my home until I felt that I would have to move into the shed. I knew other women would emerge from the woodwork. He had a very good marriage. Now he has changed into something I think she would be mortified by. Even now he’s doubting his new lover. He was great company and we had a huge amount of fun together. This behaviour is very out of character.

[maddog]

My friends and a lot of strangers have been holding my hand and I’m beginning to feel a little better.

So, those little red flags. The love bombing. It’s not love, it’s love bombing. The moving into my house without asking. The taking over of my house. The bad mouthing of his wife. The mirroring. The future faking. The projection. The word salads. The lies. The fact that he simply ran away leaving behind everything he said he loved. The total betrayal of all of us. The cowardice is a big red flag too.

He’s (detail removed by Moderator) and now he’s lost a good friend. His words make no sense. He thinks it’s the pills he’s on. I think it’s far bigger than that. Luckily for me, he’s not my problem. He’s in complete denial about his behaviour. His messages are completely mad. I pointed out to him that I’ve been consistent throughout. He’s been all over the place. He’s going to have a hell of a time if he wants to recover.

[Twisted Sister]

Oh I’m sorry Maddog, I didn’t get notified of any of your replies, or I would have responded.

I am glad you are doing a lot better, having such good friends rally round, and sorry that you had such awful childhood experiences.

You sound stronger, a lot stronger about it now, and are very clearly calling it what it is. IDK, grief does extremely strange things to people, but it doesn’t excuse his lack of consideration towards you, his apparent inability to treat you as the close friend you have been to them both all those years.

Keep looking after yourself, and know how much better you deserve than this, and always did.

warmest wishes

ts

[maddog]

I feel so sorry for his wife. How really awful to live and die in such a big fat lie. Such a deception and total betrayal. He may never wake up to his behaviour. Most counsellors should be trained in when someone needs psychiatric support. My ex was clocked in having a personality disorder. He made an unbelievably stupid mistake in finding therapists.

I’m pleased that my friend asked me to be there with her as she took her final breath. Her husband’s behaviour has been utterly sideways and totally disrespectful both to her and me and my family.

It’s so sad for him that he still thinks he has control. How he feels about me now is an irrelevance. He’s got a massive amount of work to do if he wants to regain my trust. I don’t think it’ll happen. So… moving on!

[maddog]

As the days go by I think I dodged a bullet. Now there’s just his rubbish to sort out. I’ve also seen snaps of anger when his control is challenged. Basically I’ve had no choice all along, and when he didn’t get his way, he was planning to run away. Loads and loads of blame shifting as well. Good to be able to see his behaviour for what it is.

I’ve still got loads of my own rubbish to sort out. What he did was never about me. All about him and his needs.

[Twisted Sister]

Refreshing to see clearly isn’t it! I hope things settle down for you, and yes, I believe you have dodged a bullet too, a lucky escape. All the signs are there right.

Good for you, onward and upward.

warmest wishes

ts

[maddog]

It’s very hard. (detail removed by Moderator), and I never thought he would love bomb me. That was his downfall. What he interpreted as a red flag of my behaviour was a threat to his control. I hope he has the courage and love to face his behaviour. I know it goes way back. Poor dear man. Luckily not my problem.

[maddog]

I’ve told him to remove his stuff from my property. He’s hanging onto that one. He’s a texttbook abuser. Now he’s been gaslighting me. I just want him totally out of my life then I can cut ties. The lies, the gaslighting, the excuses, on and on it goes. His new (detail removed by Moderator) is getting the love bomb treatment and has absolutely no idea about the absolute rubbish he spouts. I want him gone. A few more steps to make. Urrhgghh!

[Twisted Sister]

He’s living with you? If he’s not I wouldn’t be waiting for him to collect his things, I’d arrange a cab to drop them all back to his, and if he can’t do a simple thing like agree a time, just tell him when it will be done. He won’t take it well, you showing control of your life and space, but hey ho, thats his problem right?

warmest wishes

ts

[maddog]

I told him to move home a while ago. He moved in by stealth. We’ve been sharing storage for some years now. He’s dumped all the things he proclaimed to love, including (detail removed by Moderator). He’s like a different person now he’s (detail removed by Moderator). He’s also making no sense whatsoever. A total load of inconsistencies, blatant lies and contradictions. It’s as though he’s had a personality transplant. It doesn’t excuse his appalling behaviour. I think he’s got something very very wrong with him. His thinking is all over the place.

[Twisted Sister]

Maybe suggest strongly that he might need to see a doctor. All the stuff you’ve said sound very abusive, but he may be heading down some psychotic route brought on by his grief/shock, I mean, who knows, but if you don’t recognise him, its a worry and perhaps he needs to be checked out?

[maddog]

I’ve warned him that he could be in a tight spot if he doesn’t collect (detail removed by Moderator). I don’t think he’s able to cope with external agencies. Have also advised him to see his GP again. I think he’s been mollycoddled. Abusive fathers harm their daughters in different ways to mollycoddling mothers and it’s usually the boys who get spoilt like this. One step at a time.

[maddog]

Advising him to see his doctor feels as though I’m gaslighting him. The only contact I’ve had from him since he shacked up with his (detail removed by Moderator) is in the written word. I have been very consistent. He’s been objectively all over the place. His (detail removed by Moderator) doesn’t know about this correspondence. Thank you so much for your kind comments, TS. They’re very comforting to read.

[Grey Rock]

Omg! (detail removed by Moderator) are still at your place? Jeez! That’s a bit awkward isn’t it.
That said, it’s better than him still being there too. I agree, you def dodged a bullet there!

Good luck with getting his stuff and (detail removed by Moderator) back to him.

GR

[maddog]

He’s ghosted me! Lucky (detail removed by Moderator)! I know that grief can knock people back to childhood trauma. It can ignite previous mental meltdowns. I’ve been in touch with the appropriate (detail removed by Moderator) charities. I’ll probably have to let go of the money he owes me. In a way it’s no skin off my nose, and I need to sort out storage. He’s creating trouble ahead for himself if he’s not very careful. He has a brilliant mind. So sad that the abuse got in the way.

[maddog]

Hooray! He’s out of my life! Whoop whoop! I blew my head off at him. (detail removed by Moderator) His current relationship is based on lies and deceit. He’s lovebombing her and mirroring her. Oh and the gaslighting! It’s a heady relief that it’s not just me. He’s not fragile. He’s charming, manipulative and oh so controlling. He really didn’t like it when I told him he wasn’t special. He just wants someone to have sex with and who will mollycoddle him.

It’s a heady relief to be able to see him like this.

[maddog]

I’m gradually recovering from this with professional help. I think he may have been told that he’s got to live with his condition, ie, it’s something to do with his personality. I think he’s been told he won’t recover. That’s what he’s told me. Ahh, the subtle ways professionals work

[maddog]

It’s been a while. He still preys on my mind although in so many ways I feel relieved, a bullet dodged. I feel dreadfully sorry for my dead friend; what she went through. Abuse does terrible things to both our physical and mental health. I’m in no doubt that his behaviour would have taken its toll. It’s been such an eye-opener. He didn’t operate in the same way as my ex husband and has plenty of false empathy.

So many things have changed, and I became very, very close to engaging with the Dark Side of n********m. It’s been a long process.

I’m no longer on psych meds as I didn’t think they were working. It’s a new journey to discover myself again after all these decades. It’s like learning to walk after breaking a leg, and the review is to replaster the leg year after year after year. I find myself at times far sadder, far angrier, sometimes really not a particularly pleasant person. I’m also noticing that I’m far sharper, and far more given to laughter. I have no idea how things will pan out and it’ll take a while to discover myself for the first time in my life.

It’s an exciting although terrifying time, like being allowed out of the cupboard.

I’m so bored of meeting bad people and my trust has been shot to bits, especially after this.

I have a sense of freedom and lightness. That man should never have behaved as he did. He never gave me a choice. It casts our supposed friendship under a totally different light, or perhaps storm cloud. I’m not in in his field of chaos any more. He was only ever profoundly controlling and manipulative. I have an insight I really didn’t need into his marriage and his relationship style. Although he didn’t physically rape me, all the behaviours are there that he has no boundaries, and consent to him really isn’t a thing.

I’ve lost time, money and stuff although in the broader picture it could have been far far worse.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Maddog

I wish you everything you wish yourself, all the lightness and laughter you can experience. I hope that this is the true freedom for you, and that you meet many lovely genuine people in your life.

warmest wishes

ts

[maddog]

What an effing ride. I’ve finally contacted a local organisation to help me make sense of the coercion and manipulation of the (barely physical) side of our relationship. I feel very much the same as when I was first raped, and of course, I’m blaming myself. Frankly I have no idea what happened. He told me we’d had sex. I was too drunk to remember and felt nothing. If he hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t have known. This has happened before in another abusive relationship, when the only way to feel any agency is to be as good as unconscious. My body did the doing. My mind was totally elsewhere and I didn’t feel a thing. I think it’s a trauma response, and although I’ve taken responsibility for my behaviour, I still feel violated by the whole experience. We all do strange things to keep ourselves safe. I must have felt incredibly threatened to act as I did.

The following day he said that now we’d overcome that hurdle, we could do sex as much as we liked. I didn’t dare tell him that I couldn’t remember. Not a good introduction to a sex life and it never happened again. I would have had to have been conscious and able to consent.

Abuse leaves such dark and unexpected shadows. Some truly wonderful people have been crawling out of the woodwork to support me which is lovely. So many of them thought this man was a decent person. They were sucked in as well. His wife knew what he was like.

Another lightbulb moment. My trust in relationships has been shot to pieces. Perhaps the time has come for me to finally speak about rape and the aftermath. Although I feel utterly violated by him and I had no choice apart from through fear, I want to understand more about what happened, and the parts both of us played.

[maddog]

Actually, I wasn’t allowed to give. He had to be in the taking position. I had nowhere to go. I had no choice. When I tried to give, it was in the fawning, pacifying mode. There was never room for me. He likes women who throw themselves at him and I didn’t do that. He’s a charming, funny, intelligent human wrecking ball who hates women with a vengeance.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Maddog, my you are so strong. I haven’t much advice but didn’t want to scroll past and not send you a love and hugs x*x

And bless your heart this is so tough for you, having experienced i. The last to then go through more pain, I really hope you reach of for some support to help process and heal from this 🥰

Really pleased you’ve had some support from people you know.

Take care of yourself and reach out when your ready 💕

[maddog]

Thank you Chocolatebunnie. I’m the worst incarnation of myself at the moment, and it’s really not fun! I’ve recently come off very long term psych drugs. The good thing is the clarity. The bad thing is the full horror exposed. It’s just a thing.

I’m not sure what happened with this bloke who I considered a friend. I’ll go through the evidence and I will report him to police if it stacks up. The police are probably sick of me by now. I fear that.

[maddog]

What a minefield! There’s so much help and support out there. At the moment it’s a flood.

Whatever happened that night, either I was unconscious and numb, or he made it up. I’m working up to reporting to police and am reaching out for support as to whether or not to do it anonymously. I’ve been told that he’s a pretty standard manipulative rapist type. I think it’s important to report these things, if not for today, but in the hope that one day things will change and we can work towards making all of us just that bit safer.

[Author]

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