I've Been keeping Notes Now

[Woollymammal]

So I’ve started to write everything down what he’s done to me physical and mostly emotional , hopefully ready for when I think I miss him when I leave..
As I’m writing it I can feel the anger and hurt boiling up inside me, especially as I didn’t recognise it as being so evil at the worst time of my life, where trying to grieve, but eventually kept it all in as I’m not allowed to cry or be angry ..
All those things he did, I’m so ashamed I said I loved him..
I’m recognising him for the monster he is, but I’ve got to keep trying to be the ‘yes person ice become…As you all know they all seem to sense any change in us..
I’m trying to save bits of money and family are helping save bits of furniture too .
He’s angry with me at the moment cuz I’m so mentally and physically ill I don’t want sex, not to mention he makes me feel sick..
I’m hoping it won’t take long to get somewhere where me and my animals will be free and safe..
I’ve got a wonderful support worker, she s doing everything she can for me .
But I don’t know how long I can keep this anger inside me, for at last I have recognised what he is..
Hugs to you all..
X*x

[Iwantmeback]

Oh WM, this is wonderful to read. That lightbulb moment, when we see them for what they are and every time you look at them after, do you find yourself staring, trying so hard to catch a glimpse of the man you fell in love with. I used to, but I’m passed even that now. I must share this though. Is it normal to avoid catching your own eye in the mirror. It’s not shame I’m feeling now, it’s more like if I look at myself and into my eyes I might question myself, and then I’m afraid of not leaving after all. So for now I’m avoiding really looking into my own eyes in the mirror. Just wanted to know if anyone else felt that way when nearly gone.
IWMB 💞💞

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi WM,

So good to read keeping notes is helping you. Don’t feel any shame for the love you gave him, you’ve done nothing wrong and went in with all the good intentions of having a loving relationship. He is the one who should be ashamed for having abused you.
It’s really good to hear you have found a great support worker and I will keep my fingers crossed your new home for you and your animals will be found soon!

IWMB, I don’t know what it is with mirrors. I’ve avoided them a lot. I have a lot of scars in a certain area of my face from him, so I struggle seeing myself in a mirror because it makes it very difficult not to hear his comments of those scars and how they are nothing in comparison to selfinflicted scars from say piercings according to him. So, mirrors tend to bring out a feeling I can’t quite name. My face will feel hot but whether it’s flushed or not I couldn’t tell you, my breathing will be shallow and there will be a hole in my stomach/chest. On an emotional level I think it has a lot to do with fear and I think the reasons you are struggling with it could indeed be that you are scared you will waver. I hope once you get away safely and into your own place, you will be able to look into that mirror and not feel any fear.

[Anonymous]

I’m glad you’ve been able to keep notes. I hope you have somewhere safe to hide them. My ex read everything, my emails, my diary, anything I wrote anywhere. I ended up having to send things to my mums for storage and change all my passwords.
Its okay to remember you were once in love. I know that and its what I talk about with lo, but I also remember what he did to me.

[Woollymammal]

Hi All thank you for your replies,
Do you often find that you can write down read it and feel like me, where you realise what he’s been doing.. but then he comes back with his niceness and says “I love you so much you know” makes me feel bad then?
I don’t look in the mirror these days, who I once was has gone, so if I do get a glimpse it’s someone I don’t know anymore..
My mind goes from yes I need to get away, then guilt for wanting to do it.. I think if he was so evil all the time it would be so much simpler..
My mind is such a mess, but I will continue with my plans..
I’m starting to feel when he ignores me virtually every time I talk or try to Start a conversation I want to shout and swear at him for blatantly ignoring me..
The financial abuse is getting worse, at the moment I’m waiting for my next esa to be able to pay 2 lots of council tax..
Hugs to you all

X*x

[EbonyRaven]

Hi Woolly, glad you’ve been able to journal and that it’s helping you. After he threatened me with a weapon he said “I wouldn’t have done anything, you know. I love you.”

Don’t let his words that have nothing behind them, no depth, deceive you. His behaviour doesn’t say the same thing.

Can you take up breadmaking? Kneading and punching the dough is so cathartic. I also chop up kindling, boy is that helpful with anger.

[Woollymammal]

Hi All, I started to write my notes in a book and put it under the seat in the car..A few times he nearly found it..I was so scared he’d find it..
Anyway I have now put a lock on my phone, I right it in my notes app..
Feel more at ease knowing it’s on there and he can’t find it ..
I wanted a punch bag to help with anger, but he took over that idea and decided he wanted one too..Needless to say I s ha vent got one..
I used to bake all sorts, but I haven’t got any energy or will to do it, bread making sounds good though, I’m glad you’ve found something to help with your anger..
I feel really angry today, I don’t know why sometimes..But I have to keep it in..Sometimes it frightens me that I’m becoming emotionless like him..
I don’t want to be like him..I can’t wait for the day I can leave, but also scared..Also what about the fact both our names are on the contract for our house..??
Hugs
X*x

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there WM,

Oh the “I love you”‘s. The things I forgave for those 3 words. Just reading your story, I can feel the pull in me towards my ex and craving to hear those words.

As EbonyRaven said, it’s just words. Love isn’t belittling, bullying, hurting, controlling your money. So if he really did mean those 3 words, he would act like it.

There was a (detail removed by Moderator) involved in the last assault on me. When I managed to call 999, my ex fled. While the police were there, they saw his message that he sent of a long line of casual everyday things that needed doing followed by the 3 words “I love you” – a typical every day text between partners. I was told by police and later a social worker that the entire message was b***s*** and those 3 words were only there to signal to me to keep my mouth shut, to tell me to take the blame as always because “I and only I can love you, and you need my love”. It didn’t click with me then, I didn’t want to believe it. In fact some days it still hasn’t clicked, but what made a difference was following the advice given on here to read about trauma bonding. It’s saddens me to say, but just as much as he really didn’t love me for me, I really didn’t love him for him.

I believe there is free legal help out there either through WA or via Rights of Women who can help advice what might happen with your house. I would give them a call and explain the situation.

[Woollymammal]

Hi AlwaysSorry,
It saddens me all the physical and emotional abuse that they all do to us…I can understand the feelings you have thinking about the “I love you’s” they say so often..And the fact we crave to hear it..
The fact that it is part of the abuse circle is even harder to accept..
I don’t know what I would do without all your advice, I will speak to WA and see about my name being on the contract as it worries me..
Hugs to you all..
X*x

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