This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Sande 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #113086
     Let there be light 
    Participant

    I don’t even know where to start. I’m scared and I’m frightened. Me and my ex broke up nearly (detail removed by moderator) but the abuse continued, through me and my son. He denys everything, he says it’s all me, he says that I’m unfit. I’m scared that I’ll fail my son and (detail removed by moderator) he’s that clever. Every move I make, he’s already a million steps ahead of me. I’m frightened, failure is on my mind. I feel like I’ve already failed my son for not coming to this realisation sooner, for allowing my ex to interfere with and chip away at my mental health. Now I could fail him again if (detail removed by moderator) because I’m deemed unfit. My ex is perfect on paper, with his play and manipulation of words, context, gammer, punctuation and literally looks like a Saint on paper but in reality he’s the opposite, hand on my heart.
    It got to the stage where I found myself mirroring my ex, at work I’d constantly be pointing out flaws in the company and never talking about the positives of the company or go about voicing things like I used to, being productive like I used to, constantly focusing on the negative things rather than the positives. It’s not just work either, I’ve been focusing on the negatives of everything not the positives. I notice these changes in myself amongst other things, like the fact I always lock the door at night or the fact I constantly justify and give reason everything I say or do. I don’t like the fact that I’ve started mirroring my ex and what he put me through, it’s like I’m living my life how he’s moulded me.
    With everything that is going on legally, I am struggling to even think about anything positive out come. What gets me through each day has and always will be my son, seeing him thrive, grow, learn, laugh, love, play ect. That’s what’s positive in my life, but I know he’s going to try to take my boy away.
    I love my son so much, I’d do anything for him. He’s my whole world.
    I’m still processing the types of abuse me and my son have suffered. It’s so hard to process, then of course my ex is piling on the pressure over the legalitys of things.
    I’m so scared. I literally feel like he’s somewhere on this website as an anonymous person trying to get information and look at each post trying to decipher if it’s me. I know that sounds rediculous and paranoid but that’s how my ex is, he is that clever and that is how he has always made me feel.
    I just wanted to tell someone that.

     

  • #113116
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Let there be light.

    I just wanted to show you some support. It’s clear that you love your son and you are trying to protect him. You have achieved so much already and you have not failed.

    I am just wondering if you have any support in place at all? This is a lot to deal with on your own. Your local domestic abuse service may be able to offer some support https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

    Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are,

    Lisa

  • #113138
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Hi Let there be light. I completely understand everything you are saying. I’ve been through all that, mirroring his behaviour, him seeming like a saint to the rest of the world, letting my children down because I didn’t realise that I was in an abusive relationship and the paranoia of thinking that he is reading my posts on here.

    I am in a slightly different position as my children are now grown and my ex has no influence on me anymore. Gradually I am becoming my own person. It started with the realisation that I was mirroring him and that through those eyes, the world was not a very nice place. Nothing and no-one was good enough. I knew who I wanted to be though and knew deep down that the person I wanted to be was the real me.

    I see the world very differently now and it’s a much happier way of seeing the world. I value kindness over and above everything else. I no longer find fault with people. If someone is kind, then everything else about them is interesting.

    I no longer find fault with everything. Instead of focusing on the negatives and taking the positives as my right, I appreciate the positives and deal with the negatives.

    Once you start to understand your own values, you might be surprised by how quickly you become you.

    My children are also starting to find themselves although we have had some scary moments and as for the paranoia that he’s reading this; he thinks he’s perfect so he’ll never recognise any of what I’m saying. He genuinely doesn’t think he is abusive so I doubt he’d even give a forum like this a second look. I do still worry about it though. Fortunately, we have Lisa looking out for us and she will take out any identifying information.

  • #113430
     Sande 
    Participant

    Hi,

    A lot of what you’ve said resonates so much with me. Thank you for posting. I had never heard of “mirroring” your abuser but this makes so much sense to me.

    Recently I have had the opportunity to mix with some really nice, positive people. And it turns out that negative cloud of being tied to an abuser can be shifted. It’s liberating.

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