I’ve done something really bad….

[Fuzzyfelt]

I just lost my mind last night and (detail removed by moderator).. Don’t know why I did it . Just suddenly lost it.
(detail removed by moderator)  . He came to mine for tea whilst decided what to do. He seemed shocked that other people thought him abusive, said he cared about me but he was sick of arguing with me. Then said his heart was hammering as I always affected him , ended up in bed for  hours. He was really loving but in my mind I’m thinking he’s hoovering me… no talk of getting back together. (detail removed by moderator)
I’m so confused …. I’m lucky he’s let me off but equally I’ve lost the plot, broken (detail removed by moderator) days no contact and my friends have gone ape with me. Some say I’m sucked in, another says I’m a loose cannon and she’s wondering if it was me in the first place.
I’m devastated, I have no money at all and feel suicidal as can’t cope with all this.
I’m just a crazy selfish person and everyone hates me

[KIP.]

This is hoovering. And he now has this (detail removed by moderator) to hold over your head. You’re actually grateful for him not reporting you which is confusing too. You managed (number of days removed by moderator) days which is really good. My advice is to start no contact again. Don’t get dragged back into the mind games and manipulation. I was messed up for a long time afterwards. We are very vulnerable. You need to keep your distance now. The important thing is that you learn a lesson from it. I can see how your friends would be disappointed but you can use their disappointment to not repeat the mistake. Don’t be hard on yourself. He was unfaithful when you met him and they just don’t change x

[duvetday]

hi Fuzzyfelt,
try not to be hard on yourself and go no contact again. It’s normal to feel like you want revenge on someone who has hurt and abused you… (detail removed by moderator) I was just so unbelieveably angry, mainly at myself, but also at him for getting to me so much), I’m sure most, if not all the other women here have felt they wanted to get back at their exes. I don’t think it’s fair for your friends to be mad with you…it’s maybe cos they care but still…you need a lot of support and love right now. So maybe seek out someone who isn’t angry with you. Someone who will just listen and not judge you. Sorry that you are feeling suicidal- please reach out for help with this. I know how it feels. It’s the worst feeling ever. Just take things really gently and slowly if your brain will let you and try if you can to remember you have been abused and you deserve to take your time to heal and recover. x

[Borntobefree]

Hi fuzzyfelt

It’s ok to feel anger ..i felt like this for a long time .. even when I was with my ex he sent me crazy with provoking (detail removed by moderator)

Many times I wanted to break no contact and send him a message telling him how evil he was towards me … but I won’t stoop to his level

Go no contact again hun and live the life you deserve these abusers are not worth it !!

X

[Fuzzyfelt]

Thank you so much, he was so nice I am genuinely confused.
I have had to unblock him (detail removed by moderator)
So can’t p**s him off as I do t even have money to pay that.
It’s my friends anger that has made me feel worse, think I’m a crazy woman. In reLity I’ve kept it together (detail removed by moderator) then had 5 mins madness

[KIP.]

He’s back in control again. You do not have to unblock him. Don’t let this contact continue. I can assure you he will hurt you worse next time. He’s hooking you back in. he can’t get money you don’t have and he will be exposed if he pursues you. It’s all mind games. I’m not surprised your friends are angry. They will feel let down because they supported you and will feel betrayed. Some people will never understand Domestic Abuse but you run a real risk of losing these friends and the support network you have. Google cycle of abuse. These men wear a fake mask. Underneath they are self centred abusers who suck the life from us. You deserve better.

[Anewbreath]

Try not to beat on yourself fuzzyfelt. Your friends have not experienced or lived within the the powerful clutches of an abuser. They can’t fully understand what is going on with you. And alot of times because they cant understand they cant be supportive. Speaking to someone on the helpline may help, or a counsellor. No contact will bring more sane moments to your life. Looking back I believe I was going crazy living with my abuser…. These are not normal people we are dealing with…and they have the ability to pull us into insanity.. No contact was the best thing i did for my emotional, mental and physical health. Try to get back to no contact as soon as you possibly can. Xo

[IrisAtwood]

Hey Fuzzy, You are not alone. I think if my ex turned up and acted in a loving way I would crumple too and fall into bed with him. In my case it won’t happen, but I know myself well and this is an addictive relationship. Pick yourself up (with our help!), dust yourself off and start all over again. I should have been no contact for ‘xz’days by now, but am back to day ‘b’ because I sent a stupid message! It is especially hard when you’ve got no money either so I hope that gets sorted soon for you.

[Fuzzyfelt]

I appreciate what you are saying but He could go to police and I do have to pay for part of the damage. I guess I’m still wondering if I’ve made it up in my head.
On top of that I’ve started lying to my friends saying I only said I’d done it to keep him quiet ( when I did do it) I just can’t bare anymore people having a go
at me. This makes me feel more ashamed.

[Fuzzyfelt]

Thanks again ladies for your lovely support… and tbh I never expected today would end up with me in bed with him. But having him tell the police after I was not his partner really hurt ( like I was no one) he hadn’t messaged me anyway.and isn’t it bad that I want him to😥 I won’t contact him though as I don’t want to be downgraded from fiancé to f**k buddy.

[lover of no contact]

Hi fuzzyfelt,

Try and have compassion for yourself. Try mot to be hard on yourself. We can’t get it right all the time. Yesterday I did something I wasn’t proud of. My natural reaction was to beat myself up and I chose not to go there and kept repeating to myself “I’m only human. I make mistakes”. I felt awful and it was a struggle to keep reminding myself 2I’m not perfect. I don’t always get it right. I’m only human”. I just had to ride out the ‘awful feelings’ until today when they’ve lessened.

Start No Contact from today. Having slips is part of recovery. All is ok. We learn from the slips. And you posting will help someone else.

[Anewbreath]

You are not alone fuzzyfelt. You are human and humans make mistakes. My relationship was addictive as well. My work, my mental health, everything started to suffer, and the more time I lived with him, the worse I became. They are not normal and things sacred to normal people they p**s on with their attitudes and actions. They have to power to make us lose our minds. But get this, since i established no contact my mental health has been improving. They drive us crazy, stay away from him.

[Fuzzyfelt]

I think it’s me though now. I feel crazy today and just can’t see a way out of the hole I’ve dug myself. I am so ashamed of my lying , I honestly cannot do this anymore.
I can’t go no contact whilst I have threat of prosecution and we messsged for 2 hours last night.. looks like he’s going to have to prosecute whatever as insurance might not pay and he loses his no claims bonus.
.

[KIP.]

Fuzzyfelt. Abusers are compulsive liars. Do not believe a word he says. He’s costing you good friendships and he will leave you with nothing. I know how you are craving his attention but he has shown you his true colours. I can’t imagine the police would pursue you as it’s a civil matter now you’ve agreed to pay the excess and he won’t want his dirty laundry aired. However he will use this to continue contact and therefore abuse. Ring Rights for Women who offer free legal advice over the phone. Block him and let him make the next move with the police if he dares. You can block him you can take back control. Listen to your gut and your head. Not your heart.

[Freedomfighter]

Hey Fuzzyfelt, sorry you’re feeling so hopeless and trapped by your situation,
Kip is right though, they are brilliant liars more importantly they are constantly scheming and several steps ahead of us at all times. They know exactly what to do/say to keep us weak and vulnerable and themselves in control. Whatever it was that you did, is not worth your happiness, health sanity and life. He knows you’re scared of being prosecuted and will milk it for all it’s worth and then some.
My advice is follow everyone here’s advice and seek moral support both here and on the helplines, most solicitors have a drop in or 1/2hr fee advice. Citizens advice bureau can help, with no money you are eligible for legal aid. Don’t let him blackmail you
Doesn’t matter how good the sex is, it’s not worth your health and peace of mind.
Seek help today and post back for support. If I can do it being the terrified mouse I am, then you can too. Good luck Fuzzyfelt, you can do this, I believe in you. The past is exactly that, the past. Each new day is a fresh start, so is every hour. We all mess up, but don’t let your mistakes define you. You can say no at any time, you can change your decision and the course of your future. Please choose a good one and free yourself of his stranglehold. Good luck

[Fuzzyfelt]

Again thank you so much for your advice. I keep cycling with suicidal thoughts to feeling ok. My emotions are so volatile.
I’m not being charged by police as insurance covering damage . Just a small excess for me to pay but he wanted me to pay via police and I asked to pay him direct but he refused and said couldn’t trust me. I said we’d slept together and then he inferred I suggested sex instead of payment.. and told me not to cheapen myself!!!! I only meant as in trust .
Anyway police said it’s up to us to settle it so he has to do what I asked … hmmm he’s gone quiet now !

[KIP.]

I think he’s hiding this from someone. Probably the other woman he’s lying to aswell. Strange how he wants the police to be seen to be involved now. Be very careful what ammunition you give him to use against you x block and ignore. The police won’t get involved now. He will have to take you to court and that’s expensive. Not worth it. He’s messing with your head with his words. Contact is toxic x

[Fuzzyfelt]

Thanks KIP … I don’t know my own head now it’s continuously spinning and changing direction. I hate that I spend nearly every moment thinking about him…. aahhhhh get out of my head !!!!

[Tiffany]

Cutting all contact really helps. I had to stay in contact with my ex for a period after I left as we had a shared tenancy on the flat we had shared and the deposit was my money and in my name. And I really needed it back. So I had to keep him sweet… It was incredibly confusing – one minute he was giving me gifts, the next yelling at me and telling me he couldn’t trust me. I didn’t start to recover and move on until I had blocked his every means of contacting me. It really really helps. Also delete his contact details so you are not tempted to contact him.

[Fuzzyfelt]

i can’t go nc until I’ve payed money. I haven’t contacted him though. I’m not on social media at the mo to prevent urge to cyberstalk.
If only I hadn’t damaged his property we’d still be nc… why oh why did I do it?!!!

[Fuzzyfelt]

Set up standing order so can go no contact now ….
I still want him though 😭

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