21st May 2020 at 9:10 am #103976
I’ve been reading your posts over the last week. I have thrown my partner out on numerous occasions in the past and always said if I contacted the police then that’s the end of it.
I’ve been with him nearly half my life we have a teenager together who suffers immense anxiety. Well I did it… I dialled 999…he went absolutely crazy. They came and took him away, as they took him away I hid upstairs and he shouted to me and said, in a coded way so the police didn’t understand, for me not to make a statement. The next morning the police came and I signed the statement like I was signing for a new life. He’s out on bail can’t get in touch with either of us, the police are sending someone to interview our child, they are more than happy to tell the police everything.
Whilst reading your posts I have realised that he has physically, emotionally and sexually abused me the whole time, it’s just got more frequent and more controlling over the years, especially after my dad died.
I’m a strong intelligent woman, I haven’t even seen his GCSE results. I went to university, he had a picking and packing job…I fell for it hook line and sinker and I know why, my dad was physically and emotionally abusive in our house. As a teenager I remember begging my mum to leave him and stating that I’m never having a man who drinks…guess what I did.
I have finally realised that he has all the problems, even though he works he never has money, never pays any of his bills owes my mum thousands. The worst thing is I’m very very ill, waiting for an operation, I have been for years. Of course it was all my fault for not working, even though we lived quite comfortably. I’ve ended up with no friends, I don’t speak with my brother, I’ve fell out with my mum on a few occasions and now I realise it was him filling my head with negative thoughts. I’ve hidden things from our families, he’s made me do illegal things, he’s made me do things sexually that I have never felt comfortable with but he always manages to persuade me. He’s made me try different drugs, mostly for sexual gratification. I have let the cat out of the bag for sure this time my mum knows she’s told my brother, my aunty and uncle and all her friends. Now I could never let him back even if he tried to persuade me yet again because my family would not let me be so stupid again. I also know now how great the police are and should have done it years ago. Don’t get me wrong I am an emotional wreck, on occasions I shake so much I even have trouble typing here on my tablet, but at least I phoned 999.
I haven’t got a clue about how the police work and what happens in a situation like this. All I know is I’ll be asked to write a victim report thing on how the offence affected me, but to tell you the truth he has done far worse to us on other occasions.
So here I am laid bear for all to see and although I feel pretty d**n stupid for putting up with it, I know I was blinded, so my theory is let the police take control and they can decide because I’m clearly not able to make the right judgements.
Hope you’re all having a smooth day, thanks for reading x
21st May 2020 at 9:20 am #103979Same-againParticipant
OMG, can’t tell you how absolutely thrilled I am for you hunny.
This is the start of the rest of your life.
I agree with you about the Police as well. They were sooo kind and and patient…
I didn’t press charges at the time but your post has made me reconsider.
I wish I was there to do a celebration dance and give you a big hug.
From the bottom of my heart, hallelujah and a massive, massive WELL DONE.
Your post has made my day.
21st May 2020 at 9:22 am #103980Same-againParticipant
Oh, and YOU aren’t stupid. At all, but the abuse (as you know) clouds your mind. As you say, let the Police take control for now. They have your best interests at heart.
Sending you a virtual hug.. and some fairy dust. xx
21st May 2020 at 9:50 am #103985
Hi same-again, thanks for your post.
Definitely make that statement, whilst I was explaining what happened and what’s been happening with myself and my child to the police, we are just laughing it off as usual but I noticed a few times them looking at me and each other as if to say i can’t believe he’s done that. So I then began to realise how serious it really was. We were completely brainwashed, conditioned to comply to his needs. But now I’ve made that statement he can’t even try to get in touch. At the moment I’m reading a lot about our situation and I realised that he is the cause of all the problems not me, with hi gone I have no worries really. We were about to move before the lockdown into a big house in the middle of nowhere, luckily just rented, I even contacted the estate agent and cancelled that, even got the deposit back, because of course I paid for it. So even though our current house has been sold and I have no where to move to, I’m still so relieved that it doesn’t matter. I could always move back into my family home if needed, but who cares my child and I are safe. Please make that statement and show your abuser that it’s the end of your torment. Keep safe x
21st May 2020 at 10:07 am #103988KIP.Participant
Well done for engaging with the police, please also get your local women’s aid and victim support on board, I went through the same. Decades of abuse and not realising and yes I remember minimising the abuse and the look that the police officers gave each other too. I wanted to say well done but also wanted to send a friendly warning that I had about two week of euphoria. Then the post traumatic stress kicked in. When we are ‘safe’ our brain kicks in to try and work through all the trauma we buried when being abused and it can be really bad with flashbacks and nightmares. So I hope you don’t feel any of these things but nobody warned me and I thought I was going mad. Also, get in touch with your GP and set up some counselling for you both. Specialist domestic abuse counselling. Well done and I’m glad your family now know. Abuse thrives on silence. At this point my ex went round making out he was the victim, gathering his flying monkeys and trying to discredit me with anyone and any organisation that would listen. So keep your guard up. Change your mobile number and email address and change the locks or leave your keys in the inside so he can’t gain access. Stay safe, there are real adventures for you with freedom but it can be scary as we have always had this man controlling things and now we have to make these decisions but you will get there. Baby steps x
21st May 2020 at 10:07 am #103989HunkyDoryParticipant
Fantastic, well done you and welcome to your new happy uncontrolled life! 💕 xx
21st May 2020 at 10:12 am #103991HazydayzParticipant
💐Thankyou fiocena. You have been so brave, you will save so many of our lives. Enjoy your new life now you are free🎈
21st May 2020 at 10:50 am #103995Kitkat44Participant
Wonderful news! Enjoy your freedom and safety. Well done xx
21st May 2020 at 11:07 am #103996iliketeaParticipant
Amazing, well done, and sending you so much strength for the next steps and a life of freedom! WELL DONE!! You’ve done the most difficult thing, for you and your child, you are so strong. xx
21st May 2020 at 4:15 pm #104014
I’m so pleased the Police have helped you and you are happy for them to lead the way now. A full history of your abuse can be covered in your statement, if he has made you commit crimes for him and you have been in fear to refuse to do them this is a part of the Coercive and Controlling Behaviour that is a separate crime in itself. Some ladies I know of have been forced to take the speeding points on their own driving licence that their partner was guilty of, or carry his drugs through customs so he wouldn’t be arrested for it if he got searched.
The Police are likely to want a Victim Personal Statement (VPS) from you in addition to your evidence of the offences he has committed against you. This is your impact statement and is your account in your own words about how the abuse has affected you physically, mentally, emotionally, how it has impacted on your family relationships, how it’s left you feeling about yourself, your confidence etc. Have a think about this and write it down in advance, the impact will be huge. The aim is for this to be read in court for the Judge to take in to account when he considers what punishment to give. It can be as long or short as you wish as it is YOUR personal statement.
Many years ago I supported a lady at Court as she was giving evidence. She’d called the Police numerous times before but always withdrawn her statement, but finally, she decided enough was enough and she was going to see this latest assault through. (detail removed by moderator) She told me that going to court was not as scary as she thought it would be, the fear of what it would be like was worse than actually going, and now she wished she had done it years ago and never withdrawn all of the previous statements she’d made. (detail removed by moderator). Since then she’s moved on and she’s doing great.
I hope this helps to inspire you to continue down this path. Do not be afraid of the process to come, someone will be there to support you through it. Good luck x
22nd May 2020 at 11:22 am #104066
This is to everyone….dont know how I reply to all instead of just the last person…I’m sure I’ll figure it out…lol
Thanks for the welcome and advice everyone.
I will get in touch with womens aid and victim support…funnily enough I was just looking at victim support.
I’m definitely suffering from the effects already, the more I read, the more I look back and remember things and how he made me so blind, I start physically shaking, I can’t stop it, it even becomes impossible to type on my tablet and there’s shaking in my thigh that won’t stop once it starts lol. I have kicked him out no end of times, the longest being a couple of months but I always got sucked back in, I’ve had no end of times, I’ve been euphoric but then i’ve slumped back into it all. But this time it’s different, i called the police, i told my mum…I must admit not every minute detail, eventually I will but I’ve definitely told her some things that I found hard to admit. Nothing criminal, not the drugs…still feel like it was me who did it, but it actually wasn’t.
I made my statement the next day, I mentioned the history but it wasn’t written down, it was about the actual incident. The night of the incident they went through a domestic abuse checklist thing and I didn’t really answer them correctly…I was still minimising it. We’re also still waiting for my childs statement to be made, they phoned left a message and I’ve called back left a couple of messages but no ones got back to me. I’m not sure whether I should phone the police by 101 and ask them if I could do the domestic abuse questions again…would I be aloud? Or is that just for the incident, I want them to understand what I’ve been going through but I feel like they’re leaving me in the dark, all I know is I’ll have to make a victim statement…haven’t even been sent a crime number….I’ve got to laugh else I’ll cry…literally.
Anyway on a brighter note my child is a lot happier, more relaxed..although is still shouting and making horrible comments to me, only a couple of times a day, before it used to be all day every day, I understand why they’re like this completely…I even told him in the past what he’s doing, I know what it’s like my dad was similar. So I’m leaving them to sleep as much as they need and do interesting fun things when they want, feed them regular meals and what I think is healthy and nutritious. He seemed to want us to eat rubbish all the time, always brought lots of chocolate and crisps, I gained weight and now my child is older they are getting bigger. I know why, he wanted me fat so no one else would look at me, he used to say he liked big women, but he saw them as being weak….what a totally pure manipulator, he was very good at it. But now I see it all for what it is.
Once I have all the money sorted out he or I will no longer need to contact each other. So I thought i would send a message to his mum about it all so she could pass it on to him, plus I know he will be lying and make out I’ve took all the money, I’ve already stole over (detail removed by moderator) pound apparently…lol. I’ve worked out that he was spending at least £1000 a month on what I don’t know…could someone actually drink that much alcohol?Once the money’s explained I really don’t need to contact him, any of his stuff that he needs to collect his brother can get. I really want it all finished before it gets to court, because if he gets away with it…believe me he will say anything to get off….he’ll use any excuse to contact me and then manipulate me, so I can’t have that. Can I send this message to his mum, or do you think that’s me breaking his bail terms, if I am breaking the terms then how do you think I should go about this.
Thanks again everyone, I wish I found this place earlier but at least I’m here now.
Much love to you all x
22nd May 2020 at 11:23 am #104067
Lol…apparently I do know how to message everyone 😃😄😃
22nd May 2020 at 12:13 pm #104069KIP.Participant
I would have zero contact with him and any of his family. Blood is thicker than water. If there’s anything urgent then use a third party you trust but don’t expect him to do anything reasonable. If you make contact he can say it’s harrassment so be very careful if you do use a third party make sure that it’s factual and only about urgent matters. Ring the domestic abuse police and tell them you want to make a full statement. After I reported the final assault, the domestic abuse police contacted me and I gave them the statement.
22nd May 2020 at 2:37 pm #104073
please don’t minimise the abuse and the things he has done to you. You can tell the officer dealing with you that you need to mention more incidents and that you need to give more information for the check list or risk assessment. They are aware that the more they work with a victim the more they are likely to open up. It’s a case of establishing trust with someone, knowing that they will not judge you or mock you etc. Our abusers often tell us that no one will believe us, so sometimes it takes a while to open up to a stranger in authority until you get a feel for them.
The police tend to work a rolling shift pattern of 6 on 4 off. Often you will get an officer assigned to your case who will deal with you throughout, so if they are currently on their days off no one else will be dealing with you in their absence. If you have tried to ring them they will probably have an email waiting for them on their return to let them know you’ve been in touch. If your ex breaches his bail and turns up at your address, or ambushes you elsewhere, this will be a 999 call and the police who are on duty to respond to emergencies will deal with that, otherwise, your case is allocated to a specialist officer who usually deals with it through to the court process. You should have been given a crime number though, and an incident number. You could always ring back on 101 and ask someone for those, often you need them to give to the other services you need to access. A 101 operator should be able to find those numbers out for you quite easily. They will also be handy to quote should you need to report a breach of bail.
You are doing so well with all of this. Sometimes the adrenalin keeps us going, and then when that wears off we are left worn out, tired and bewildered. You may find yourself in a process that you’re not fully understanding at the moment, which can be very daunting. Many agencies will probably be contacting you to offer support and advice; Children’s Services, Victim Support, your local DA Service, Victim and Witness Services etc. Some ladies have told me they get so many phone calls from agencies that they lose track of who is who and what each one wants or can do – they just get overwhelmed and it’s all to much to take in at once. Don’t be afraid to ask people to keep explaining what agency they are from, what they want from you or what they can do. Make some notes to remind you. Often people assume that a lady will know the process and perhaps explain things a bit quick, or use terminology you are not familiar with, so please, please don’t feel embarrassed to ask people to explain again and to slow down a bit.
If you are a HIGH RISK case you will get referred to MARAC very quickly. This is a Multi Agency Risk Assessment Conference where all of the professional agencies such as Police, Children’s Services, Probation, Health, Education, Housing Officers, come together and share information so that a fuller picture of the circumstances and risk can be assessed in order to protect you and the children. Lots of things are being done in the background to help keep you safe.
You’re doing amazingly well, it takes so much of our strength to do this, when really, we are exhausted.
23rd May 2020 at 12:29 am #104118Scottish ThistleParticipant
Well done for reporting. I never thought I would have to do a 999 call in my life but I did and I’m proud I did it for me – I always seen 999 as a serious emergency number not one to save me – I have had my cards read and the lady who did them knew nothing about me, and out of the blue she told me I had a lucky escape that night, I knew what she meant without going I to details. My husband was bailed and after court I stupidly took him back thinking he’d changed not even three months later he majorly kicked off as I had reported hi. For breaching bail, assumed it had been dealt with at the time but obviously not and he wasn’t willing to let me explain so I walked out and left. I went to woman’s aid, scored high on the marek questions (many I thought was standard life), my solicitor requested an interdict and exclusion order (he has previously fallen out with the neighbours too) I was awarded maximum time, which made me realise what he had been doing was serious. I did do some counselling which helped a bit.
It is hard but now your family know they will be there to support you, woman’s aid are a godsend, take all the support and help you. You have done the hardest part – keep going!
23rd May 2020 at 9:42 am #104132
Thanks again for your great advice.
Funnily enough I started making notes last night. Pre relationship I was a list type of person always writing lists and organising stuff…i stopped doing lists near enough straight away in the relationship….don’t know how he managed that, but he did. I’ve wrote lists for this problem, for tidying, for cleaning, for my child, for shopping….at least I’ve recovered that back straight away…I can’t do anything without being organized….he took that away to stop me sorting put stuff, so I had no idea what was going on in the house…wow I’m looking back at some stuff and I see how deep it goes…craziness, madness, psychotic even.
Not sure what to do about the money thing….he relayed a message (detail removed by moderator). Told me he’s not paying the rent, I expected that. But the money he put in his bank as the lockdown began was what I saved. It’s a few grand from, he’s still got it….that annoys me. I have enough money but it’s not the point, it was mine, oh well, maybe I should let him have it and not tell him anything about the money, but another thing annoys me is he’s going around telling people I’ve ripped him off and I’ll do it to them, I just want them to know the truth.
I thought the police would be off duty, that’s settled my mind, started thinking they’d forgot about us lol….I just want it all done so I can relax.
I have been getting up as the sunrises every day which is unlike me. I have been sleeping all the way through though, which I haven’t done for years, thought it was my illness, but apparently not. Yesterday afternoon I did fall asleep for a couple of hours and now I can feel the adrenaline going and tiredness coming…last night I said to my child that I am doing nothing and going nowhere all weekend, we’re going to just chill, because i know i need it, hopefully I will not get worse, but i expect it, I’m well read in mental health, I understand it, but sometimes it’s hard to see it for yourself, so I will carry on and trust my family to tell me when I’m not recognizing something, my mum understands she always tells me the truth whether I like it or not.
Cutting ties with his family is my ultimate goal. I’m still involved in the illegal thing. It’s for his brother though not him, it was for him but he decided to help his brother. So I was again coerced into helping. There’s only (detail removed by moderator) left, so I said I’ll help but after that no more…I’ve only seen his brother (detail removed by moderator) so far, I have to go there again in (detail removed by moderator)….I decided I’m not telling when, I’ve got a key so will just appear one day, do my thing and go, then I should only have to go there (detail removed by moderator) but that time a friend is coming, so that’ll be ok…I can’t let him down he needs money desperately. So I’m stuck with my conscience, I’m not cruel and if I don’t do it, it’ll be a lot of money wasted.
Thanks again for reading, it’s good to be able to tell someone what I’m keeping in.
Love and hugs to all x
23rd May 2020 at 10:00 am #104134
I am list doer too, even more important now post abuse to see I’ve actually done some work, the proof is right there ☺️
May I share my concern with you about the illegal thing? It just doesn’t seem right to be coerced into doing anything like this. What if you get caught? You will get a criminal record because of him? If you can safety stop doing this activity now pls do.
Contact the police to ask for advice. Or search for more information, I am unsure how one would need to proceed in such cases.
23rd May 2020 at 10:19 am #104140
I am concerned too Fiocena, I’ve sent you a PM
24th May 2020 at 1:38 pm #104233
Your right the illegal thing isn’t right, I don’t want to do it, I’m having a good think all day about it….the first thing is to say that I’m not doing it anymore …as we know it’s the hardest part. Do I just say I didn’t want to do it in the first place, I was coerced to do it, I don’t know what to say to his brother….I said I was too Ill this weekend, I need to tell him straight so he knows, but he’s going to try his hardest to get me to do it because he knows I’m the one who knows how. I’m going to get harassed by him next, so many questions that lead to more….I’m the type that likes to cover all angles…I don’t like surprises. I just need to get a little bit more strength, by (detail removed by moderator)I will have told him that I’m stopping. That’s when the fun will begin, because, as I well know it’s his only hold on me…he even shouted about it when i was on the phone to 999, so that is his game…I know this and if I say no more…that’s the last of it.
Thanks again for your support x
24th May 2020 at 3:16 pm #104238
You are right to want to cover all angles.
Well done by taking the decision to stop doing this for them.
Win time by saying you are ill, even contracted Covid-19, before telling them you stop this activity. You need to set up support for yourself before fighting them.
Victim Support are helping victims of crimes, which you are.
Tell them you’ve been coerced into doing an illegal activity and wish to no longer be coerced into continuing but will need protection for fear of repercussions, both from your abusive ex& brother harassment + defend your rights should they both accuse you of a crime.
Maybe I am being too careful and you could just add this form of coercion directly to your existing report against him with the police.
In any case you need more information how to tackle this and you need protection for your own rights.
Don’t go against them alone.
28th May 2020 at 12:50 pm #104543
It’s finished, the illegal thing is no more, funnily enough he wanted me out….must have thought about me speaking out, there’s no sign of it anywhere…so that was a lucky escape…didn’t really have to do anything…thank the lord.
Thanks again for all your advice x*x
28th May 2020 at 12:54 pm #104544
Oh that’s good I’m really happy for you. Sometimes times solves problems ☺️👍😘
28th May 2020 at 1:10 pm #104547
That’s one weight off your shoulders for now, hope the other things are going okay?
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