Ive hit a wall but im starting to climb

[nbumblebee]

The last few weeks ive been lost, done,finished.
Id given up on life on myself.
Ive stopped eating and looking after myself and have gotten very poorly. Ive hit a wall no matter what i do how hard i fight nothing ever works nothing helps.
I am tired low sad i hate my life. That wall just keeps getting higher and thicker and I cant get close to breaking it.
But then life showed me hope.
I had (detail removed by Moderator) and made my tutor cry she said she was so proud of how hard i tried how good i was and wished i believed in myself. Someone i work with told me how kind thwy thought i was what a decent person i was how there wasnt many like me.
(Detail removed by Moderator).
Ive given up on myself but other people havent that filled my heart back up and knocked a brick right out of that wall.
I ate today not alot but I ate.
(Detail removed by Moderator).
All of this then knocked another brick out my wall.
My wall is huge and i have such a long way to go but little by little ive gotta knock those b****y bricks out.
No body is gonna come and rescue us we gotta be our own heroes and knock our walls down so we can get away to a better life. X*x

[Bananaboat]

Well done you, these are big steps! Sometimes we have to hit a really low place before we can rebuild. Keep going, you’re amazing x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. I dont feel amazing Im waiting for the fall out that I know will come but sometimes you just want to hang on to the good that you are trying to do.
I felt so brave last night not so much today. X

[longjourneylife]

Absolutely agree with Banana boat, you are amazing! Thank you for sharing your positivity while going through such difficult experiences. Inspiring x

[Rainbowdream]

That is incredible!! Well done you, keep that momentum going and really take the time to acknowledge how massive those achievements are!!!

[nbumblebee]

Thank you sadly it hasnt lasted long he is kicking off as I knew he would about me going out all that stength i felt last night turns into fear when he starts.
I hate living like this just so hard isnt it x*x

[Rainbowdream]

I am sorry its turned into fear, its such a horrible place to be. That doesn’t take away from how much you achieved though! He can never take that away. And you know the strength and resilience you have inside of you. Stay safe x

[Mellow]

Well done a lot of us have been in your shoes or on our way I know I’ve started saying no more thought not totally there yet dosent always accept no!but some things I’ve managed to take charge of like him saying things like go and buy me a takeaway when he has hardly ever bought me a take away but expected it off me cause I’m generous .I’ve purposely said no because I don’t have to spend my money on him especially as we aren’t together now.i would rather look in the freezer than spend another penny on him.the amount of times I had to say no was ridiculous it still is .
I don’t be a door mat I started saying yes to going out with friends he admitted he didn’t like me going out and only he should make my friends for me and I started to make my own and go out with them then he tried to say he wasn’t stopping me which indicated that he must have known what he was doing he twists things

[Bee1]

Hey there other bee, I haven’t been in here a while but I remember your posts from a while ago, when you were hoping to escape your trap relationship.
I hope you managed to leave it, 🙏🏼albeit an up and down recovery.
I sincerely wish you all the strength and a return of sunshine in your life, we Bees do like that 🙂 🐝
Care and patience.

[nbumblebee]

Many Thanks. No im still here lost alone but trying xxxx

[wildandfree]

You are amazing. Keep going. There is bright sunlight on the otherside.
You have us all beside you.

Sending much love

[Bee1]

Keep climbing, clarity and peace will come. X

[nbumblebee]

Thank you all for your support.
It kicked off terrible tonight and i had to leave for a while the first time i have ever done that. When i returned he apologised but it didnt last long blame was quickly back on me and we are currently in silent treatment mode. Some special day im gonna have tomorrow. They love to spoil everything dont they.
Wish i had the courage to go and stay gone. X*x

[Bananaboat]

You’ve had the courage to walk away in the middle of something, that’s a huge step. No you’re not out and living how you want to but all the things on this post are things you wouldn’t have done 12 months ago!!

[nbumblebee]

Thanks banababoat I really do appreciate your support.
Just feel so so low really thought id cracked it again then pow they start again.
All i can do is to keep chipping away at those bricks xxxxx

[Bananaboat]

It’s the hardest rollercoaster I’ve ever been on, and when they see you’re growing they up the loop-de-loops to keep you scared. Hang in there xx

[nbumblebee]

Thats it as soon as i get stronger he gets nastier or nicer makes me queation it all. Hosh its so hard to really get your head round that they do this and they actually know what they are doing think that hurts the most. X

[longjourneylife]

You will go, when the time is right and presents itself, and even then it’s tough, you have so much insight already, just take each day one at a time. We’re here for you X

[Everhopeful321]

nbumblebee you are so right – chipping at bricks, small steps, anything is progress. I admire you for what you’re achieving and it’s so nice to hear other people recognising your good qualities and telling you – you will get there and you give me hope too when I too feel overwhelmed by what’s in front of me

[Eggshells]

Hi nbumblebee, I haven’t been around much. Last I heard you were adamant that you would never leave. You’ve only gone and done it, you’ve turned the tide! Please read back over your original post on this thread. You’re talking about bricks, I see leaps and bounds.

If you have a look in the “Positive Moments” boards, you’ll see a post by Cantmakedecisions. She thought she’d never be able to leave. Her story is inspiring. It was a long and difficult process for her to get to the point of leaving but step by step she edged her way there.

There will be lots of ups and downs for you but you seem set on a trajectory towards freedom.

The ladies are right. You are amazing xx

[nbumblebee]

Hi eggshells Hope you are doing ok yourself?
I only got out for (detail removed by Moderator) I soon went back he was sorry for a while but it soon started again.
But actually you are right Im always so focased on the bad i never look at the good and yeah I am stronger I think. I have (detail removed by Moderator) today and actually ive decided whats good for me is to not go to the (detail removed by Moderator) so i dont see the man who raped me i dont need to be put through that again. Im trying to heal and thats not gonna help. Im thinking of me first and that small tiny thjng feels huge feels good feels positive. I need to look foward I still dont believe I will ever leave but i am determined to live my life now if he makes that hard if he hurts me then who knows what I will do now?
Thank you for your words.
Thinking of you xxxxx

[gettingtired]

You’re doing amazing, it’s a rollercoaster but we are on the way to freedom x*x

[Hereforhelp]

Nbumblebee, I can hear your strength 💪 ❤ you are doing amazing xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey thanks hope you are ok?
It seems to be 2 bricks out one back in but i think im dealing with him better as i get stronger he gets nastier and i have got to get myself well again so i can cope with that. Ive been a walkover last few weeks as not had energy to fight him but putting in boundrys and saying ues to things I want to do has enpowered me a little.
Sending you love hereforhelp. X

[Anonymous]

I’m so glad this is happening for you nbumblebee, that your standing up for yourself and what you want and won’t accept this could be the start of something new and changes that will benefit your happiness and self esteem long term, well done 💖🤗💖

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. I think thats what im afraid of.
If i get stronger healthier what then? Will i want to leave then what?
Leaving scares me so much the future scares me so much does that sound stupid? Im scared to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Then a new start a more confident nbumblebee one that no one can keep putting down or trying to use and abuse + yes you may leave him and what then is you get your freedom the life you want, only the good people that are around you supporting you when you realise what you want and what you feel you deserve you will get all those things and lose everything you don’t deserve/or want (but that’ll be a gain in itself)
🤗🐝🤗

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so so much everyone it blows me away that even when you are going theough so much hurt yourselves you have time to push me through.
This week im gonna do it Im gonna eat im gonna stick my heals in the ground go work do my thing live my life and im gonna smile I am. If he chooses to hurt me i will walk away again and i will keep walking away until he stops or until I stop walking back.
I am making myself so poorly and for what? He loves it. Im at home as Im too poorly to work too tired I am playing into his hands and it has got to stop.
Im sure there will be times when i am back here again saying i cant do it but then i need to read this post. People can only help us so much we have got to help ourselves. I have got to help myself instead of hurting myself. Ive written it but I only half believe it if im honest I want to believe it I really do but Im scared to get better get stronger because Im scared of the future Im scared if I get strong and better I will want to leave and to me right now thats too much too scarey to think about.
For now brick by brick right?
First step get my eating under control, first brick.
Thanks again ladies so so much x

[searchingforhope]

Oh @nbumblebee well done on taking those steps and seeing strength in yourself and hope. That is amazing. You will knock that wall down. Give yourself credit for how far you have come. Take the reassurance from those who recognised your gorgeous qualities recently. That is the truth. Hear what those who support you tell you. You can do it when its right.
You’re last post resonated with me so much. We can write stuff but not be fully convinced of it. We have to work on that on fully believing in ourselves.
Take care of you xx

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