I’ve just got rid of a perpetrator in my home

[Serenity]

I am letting out a room in my house, to give me a few extra pennies.

I have had various people in my home over the years. To be honest, 95% of them have been lovely. I have had a few difficult experiences.

A couple of months ago, someone applied to my ad- a female. When she came to look at my room, she seemed so shy, polite, like butter wouldn’t melt. She did not seem like a perpetrator at all. She wasn’t charming, just shy.

Well, it all changed when she moved in. It has been a nightmare. It has been like a female version of my ex living here. I have been getting more and more upset, and this week I have dreaded even coming home.

Why on earth should it be like this, after all I’ve been through?

I was very friendly to her at first, and was very accommodating, and I think she saw in me an easy target. She has no consideration of anyone else- my children, no one. Very recently, she gave me half the amount of an agreed sum of money. She wakes the house up at any hour- it is like she has a need to disrupt the house.

Tonight, she did something very upsetting again, and I had enough. I had repeatedly asked her a number of times not to do certain things ( I am generally laid back- but I have my limits). She just expresses ignorance and gives fake apologies, then the next day does something else. She has a sense of entitlement and no regard for normal rules of behaviour.

I went to her and told her she had one week to move out.

I can’t bear living with her. She is definitely n**********c, and I can’t even beat to be the same house as someone so selfish.

[KIP.]

Well done. You’ve worked hard for your home and your peace 👍

[Jupiter]

Dear Serenity

I am new to this forum and just read your message now- I admire your strength in getting this person out of your home.It is your space and she has taken advantage of it.Good that you recognised her terrible behaviour with courage to do something about it to keep you safe as you should be.These people are in the world with us in unexpected ways and they have no empathy or respect for others feelings etc.
I have had similar experiences including recently and sometimes I have wondered if I have attracted them in some way by being kind-hearted or caring.However those without conscience see these qualities as a green light not appreciating the goodness in a person.This is their loss.
I tell myself that there are many loving people around and know to keep myself safe with the boundary that you have now set .
Take care and know you deserve better company–Jupiter

[godschild]

Goodness me that is the last thing you want a replacement for your ex,well done on giving her notice, I am reading a new book called “in sheeps clothing ” by Dr Geroge Simon he says the abusive people do not live by normal social rules at all.
He refers to them having a character disorder, they just do not see things as they are , just in their own ways xx

[lover of no contact]

Well done serenity that is so impressive and a very good role model for your boys. That is true recovery in action. And thank you for sharing that with us. It will certainly help me in maintaining and establishing and not letting other people with their issues trample over my limits/boundaries.

When a person crosses a line with me then I’m learning I need to reconsider my relationship with them. I need to either set strict limits or let them go.

[Serenity]

Thank you all.

Quick update: she came home yesterday and changed tactics from being overly dominant to then playing the victim.

It was messing with my head, making me think, am I being the mean one here? But because of my experience with my ex, I checked myself and didn’t get pulled in. I know now that if these abusers don’t get what they want, they use pity to try to manipulate you.

If she was a decent person, she wouldn’t have behaved as she has. No normal person would even think of doing so.

I felt the old guilt feelings that I had to please and rescue and give in to people rearing their ugly head again- it I stopped in time. I cannot be manipulated by others again.

She was claiming that she can’t find a place in a week, as she is a young woman and feels vulnerable, and wants to find a safe place. (detail removed by moderator).

Part of me feels strange being so assertive. The other part feels buoyant, that I’ve managed to bat off someone’s manipulations.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Stick to your gut and tell her she stil has to leave in a week, they should think how they behave pre hand then

[Serenity]

Thanks, Confused.

I’ve given her a cut-off date. 💛

[SaharaD]

Give her an eviction letter. If she is under 30, she can go to a hostel. If she is over 35, she can receive housing benefit for a one bedroom flat.

Or she can go down the council or local homeless shelter and they will put her in a bed and breakfast. there are thousands of rooms online for rent. That’s what most people between 30 and 35 do.

If she has behavioural issues then she shouldn’t be living with other people unsupported. that’s why I have chosen to live alone because of my borderline personality disorder. I get too paranoid living with people and i dont know how to handle conflict well. I don’t want to inflict myself on other people.

[Ayanna]

Well done!
Call the police if she does not keep to the deadline.
She is just playing games.

[Serenity]

I gave this girl a couple of weeks to leave, to find a new place.

I didn’t need to.

I haven’t been aggressive or rude, just assertive. Part of the new me!

Proof of that is the fact she doesn’t want to leave: if I were aggressive at all, she would want to go.

She’s now going into victim mode, tiptoeing around and apologising for every little thing.

I can do see through it now. The victim
stance when they are outed and called up in their behaviour.

The old me would have bit the bait and started to blame myself.

Not anymore.

[Author]

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