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    • #13007
      Nemo
      Participant

      Normally when i get up in the mornings is time when i feel most down.
      If i’m not in work or haven’t made plans to see friends/family then i don’t really know what to do with myself other than housework and wishing the day away.

      But this morning when i suddenly realised that today is mine and i can do whatever i want with it – i can catch up on tv shows i’ve missed while i’ve been at work without him insulting me for daring to take a little bit of time out for myself, i can take a walk in the sunshine to wherever i please without coming home to his temper and accusations that i’m having an affair, i can msg my mates and cousins and use the computer without him watching and questioning me over me shoulder, i can prepare whatever i want for tea without him complaining that it’s not what he wanted (even tho he refused to tell me what he would like for tea – setting me up to fail), and i can feel happy with how i’m looking after the house without worrying about him critising me for not doing more than what i have and giving me extra pointless tasks as punishment.

      So my incredible realisation is that I wasn’t down because i was missing having someone around on the days when i’m alone, it’s because he’d conditioned me to live by his instructions, i was never allowed to think for myself and i think i’d forgotten that was even an option.

      It surprises me how the little claws still have a hold, even after 12 months plus of no contact and filing for a divorce – to which he very much contested, and lost 😏 (that’s my smug look Lol, because that was the first time he didn’t get his own way).

    • #13013
      Ayanna
      Participant

      You are so right! It took me a while to realize that. He messed me up so much, that I could not feel free after I fled. Now I plan things to do every week. I actively remind myself that I am free with the things I plan for myself, because I do what I was never allowed to do πŸ™‚

    • #13014
      Sadandconfused
      Participant

      Congratulations and good on you for coming so far I can feel you smiling through that post.

    • #13022
      mixed-up mum
      Participant

      HI Nemo – good on ya – go for it girl – seize the day!!!!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

      It is all too easy to fall in to a depression if you are not working, and not seeing anyone, and spending the whole entire day alone – but yes you are so right – the way to think about it is what you HAVE GOT now – and what you CAN DO now!!!

      Even as you say – being free to catch up on TV you have missed (and not thinking he will be home soon, I need to do X, Y, and Z first, I shouldn’t be watching TV) and yeah even doing simple things like being able to text friends, or message people on Facebook – or sit on HERE chatting to other ladies – you ARE FREE to do all of that as and when YOU choose for however long YOU want to!!!

      Who would have thought even the simple pleasure of eating what YOU want WHEN you want – that’s a glorious pleasure too!!!! πŸ™‚

      And doing what ever housework YOU want, when YOU feel like it, and no having to rush around and be afraid of him coming home to see if you have ‘done enough’ that day!!!

      Im a few years out now – and yet a do still struggle to realise at times that I AM free to make may own choices and do what ever I like – takes time to adjust to freedom after being SO restricted in your life with him, for SO LONG.

      Keep on going – you are doing great – ENJOY!!!!! πŸ™‚

      x*x

    • #13025
      Hopesprings
      Participant

      Thanks for sharing this. I too have been struggling on days where I’ve nothing planned sometimes and it is likely for the same reason as you. I’ve got a whole new way of looking at it now. Thanks πŸ™‚ xx

    • #13027
      Serenity
      Participant

      Yessssss! You have jumped a hurdle, and one that I have too, Nemo!

      You are right, my darling: it is an incredible leap!

      I have a beautiful house, near the beach- it was to be my Swallows and Amazons idyll. Except I was never at peace here. I became anxious and borderline OCD- having to keep things ‘just so’- mainly, I realise, to keep some sense of order whilst living with a chaotic despot, but also, he never helped me, and as a working mum I felt panicky about keeping on top of things….

      He resented doing anything about this place, wanted me to remain at the level of slave….

      I became regimented on my ‘days off’- cleaning the house for all it was worth.

      What do I do on my days off now? Do a bit of housework, yes, but then go and meet up with a friend for coffee, run by the beach or go window-shopping.

      I don’t have that feeling of worry about how he will be when he returns home, what he will complain about, how he will put me down. One day morphs into the next, without any abuse. It’s feels strange ( as I am used to him causing drama and upset), but it’s lovely.

      Tomorrow, I will go fir an early morning run by the beach. He has my youngest, but it won’t help getting into a mess. Better to built my resilience and fitness. Then I am meeting a friend for coffee. Then I am watching my nieces for my sister.

      My days are full. As I put in another post- he was a to-life. He wanted to shrivel my life to be just about him- yet abused me for it.

      I love being free and seeing friends and engaging in worthwhile stuff with my job. He didn’t want me to be myself. Well, know I am!

    • #13028
      Serenity
      Participant

      PS I came across the term ‘histrionic’ meaning someone who needs to create drama to feel they exist.

      My ex was like that. Needed to create drama,to upset people. Otherwise he was bored.

      I’d rather be boring and happy – than histrionic and a mess like him!

    • #13035
      Nemo
      Participant

      evening ladies πŸ‘­

      after reading all of your lovely messages i just thought i’d update on you on how i did today πŸ˜ƒ

      well i spent the morning in my PJs catching up on a marathon on Impractical Jokers until i was laughing out loud πŸ˜…

      then i put the washing away because that was the only ‘chore’ that really needed doing.

      i spent a while on the internet looking at and pinning decor ideas for when i finally get to sell this house and move (sorting out financials at the moment although he is being a pain in the a**). which was so much fun because for the first time i get to decide everything!
      i even bought one item to start off the theme of my new bedroom in my new house just to remind myself that this is REALLY HAPPENING! πŸ™Œ

      then i took a long shower (and had a little dance while in there listening to the radio LOL). and i’ve just come in from chilling in the garden with my chickens & kitten 🐀🐈🌞

      It has been Lovely! 😘

      (ps. i deliberately had a day where i didn’t catch up with any of my friends or family because i needed to see if i could cope a whole day on my own. the manic days spent with my little cousins running round or gossiping with my mates are the easy ones – the peaceful days where i’m on my own are the ones i struggle with)… but today i did good πŸ‘ #proud of myself πŸ˜€


      @Hopesprings
      you’re comment meant a lot to me, coming on this forum i knew i’d get support but i never imagined i’d be able to help somebody else (being the mess that i thought i was), so thank you and big hugs ❀ πŸ˜‰

    • #13061
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      Hi Nemo
      You are an inspiration. I read another post of yours too but can’t find it again to comment. You give me hope and reminder of my small victories so far.
      Thank you

    • #13066
      Hopesprings
      Participant

      πŸ™‚ big hugs and thank you again. Sometimes takes someone else saying something before you realise

    • #13086
      Herindoors
      Participant

      Funny how these things suddenly hit you. My ‘freedom’ moment was when running around town, trying to get the errands done before his texts started demanding to know how long I was going to be etc….anxious, watching the clock….and then….Oh yes, errr, I don’t have to do that anymore because he’s gone out of my life. So I went and had a coffee πŸ™‚

    • #13110
      Lilycat
      Participant

      Hi Nemo,

      Good on you for embracing the fact that days are for determining the future- your future- and not for living by someone else’s damaging whim. Well done and enjoy!

      I am very glad to hear that you can relax and take your own time to do things, even little things- and in your way. You will rediscover old pleasures and find new ones, too, which is often quite surprising, but this is a reason to be happy and a sign that you are continuing to grow and thrive. I love hearing when people have been able to step out of the shadows and now enjoy being in the light, so to speak.

      My ‘escape and breathe’ moments are coming to me slowly, but they can be fantastic, so I completely get what you mean. I was never allowed to do a lot of trivial things- have floral-patterned decorations, eat certain foods or even wear colourful clothing,etc,etc, when I was in my former situation. Hanging up my chrysanthemum bed linen to dry, eating my national foods, wearing yellow jeans and dining out alone make me realise that I should give myself permission to live and be myself. So tonight over a very garlicky dish I will toast to your happiness and your freedom, and to that of the other great ladies on this thread.

      Congrats!

      Kindest wishes

      Lilycat x

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