I’ve left and I’m proud but should I feel this broken?

[Tortoiselove]

I’m new to the forum, and wanted to just reach out as today has been a tough day.
I left my partner recently after so much verbal and emotional abuse. I would be given the silent treatment for hours on end for no reason, I was called fat, ugly, disgusting. I was accused of cheating if I was late from work. And on a few occasions he fabricated stories about me that he truly believed like that I had sent flirty messages to someone at work and that he had seen the messages (this had never happened as I am and always have been faithful). Sometimes I would go to bed alone and wake up to abusive messages he would have sent during the night while downstairs drinking.
I made the big decision to leave and move in with my family again, however lots of my possessions and belongings remain in the house. I have felt so strong all week, partly because I’ve not heard from him but also because admittedly I’ve been masking my feelings and pretending I’m ok while at work and in the evenings at home. So today I just broke down because I contacted him regarding my possessions and getting these back.
I got so angry at everything, the whole situation, the frustration that I was being made out to be the bad guy, that I had left him in his time of need as he clearly needs help etc. I was so angry I physically didn’t know what to do with myself so I cried and rocked and was very close to hurting myself.
I spoke to my family and to a professional. I just feel so broken. Later on I was talking about something completely normal like what the working week looked like ahead and just burst out crying for no reason. I expect its because I’ve been holding it together for so long, and actually I am not ok. I’m not doing ok.
I feel so low, so disappointed, so let down and also guilty for leaving.
I know it will get better as everyone keeps telling me. I just feel exhausted.

[Bananaboat]

Firstly welcome, second huge well done for leaving and thirdly, this is perfectly normal. If you’d just left a ‘normal’ relationship you and others would give yourself some time to grieve so yes, whilst you’re free there’s still all those usual break up things. Then throw into the mix how we have to live with these men – you’ve been surviving for so long, now you’re out your body and mind are going to process a lot which will be exhausting too- this will include a lot of emotions, anger and tears. It’s fantastic you can talk to your family and a professional, so keep talking and be kind to yourself. Even though you’re out, contacting him and getting your stuff can trigger those survival instincts and anxieties again. Good luck, you’ve got this xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Tortoiselove

One helpful empathic comment I heard was ‘you’re crying all the tears you couldn’t cry before’

Like the thing you said about masking your emotions. It is healthy for all this to come out, but maybe its just taken you completely by surprise and sent you a bit sideways with the sudden blow of it?

Nothing seems unusual in what you say, when its happening after what you’ve been enduring. It does just get too much, that nothing simple can be achieved with them, just even the most basic and simple of things cannot be respected and all has to be twisted and turned against you. It really is so exhausting.

well, I don’t know that you ‘should’ be feeling better, but just that you can take as long as you need, for you, to start letting all this out. You have no guilt to bear, you did not make him who he is, you did not force him into being an abuser, he made choices and decided to abuse you, the guilt is all his. Please let go of that, and don’t look back. You owe it to yourself to prioritise only you now, and to fully leave him behind…there is no way you would have done this if he’d not been an intolerable abuser.

So take your time to lick your wounds, and to build up your own protections and barriers between yourself and him now. I am sorry you find yourself in the circumstances, but you have already done so much to remove the abuse from your life.

Is there any way that you can get him removed from your home, as he’s the abuser, so that you can have your home and belongings around you and he leave it behind and make his own way now?

Take good care of yourself, and try to be patient with yourself as these feelings all start to emerge and let them go, they need to come out, and then they will stop.

warmest wishes

ts

[Lisa]

Hi Tortoiselove,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. It is great to see you have already had supportive replies. I hope you find the forum a safe place to be with others who understand about what you have been through and how you are feeling.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Author]

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