Ive left and now the real hard work begins

[PinkandGlitter]

I wrote on here back in May and I have just left my partner of (detail removed by Moderator) years. I suffered emotional abuse very coercive and controlling behaviour. I am currently in a hotel which I am paying for and I feel so down. I was ready to leave and prepared that he would harass me and my family. He has done this and he found out where I was staying. I contacted the police but they told me the only way to get non molestation order was through a solicitor. He has a past of domestic abuse charges so I cant understand why the police told me this. They told me they can’t stop him circling the hotel as its public land but that they would have a word with him and ask him to stop contacting me. The officer then called me later on to tell me what a pleasant man he is! I feel totally ashamed 😞 and unsupported by the police. I wish i never bothered calling them. He has since had 1 day without contacting me and now I’m suddenly feeling sad and missing him, even know I wanted him to stop. I cant stop thinking that he’s probably had a wake up call from me leaving and may change but I know its not going to happen. I dont have children or any reason to tie me to him, except my own stupidity. I dont know what to do. I cant believe now hes stopped harassing me that I suddenly miss him and wonder if he still cares about me. My head is so messed up

[Sunshinexxxx]

Well done.
Have you written down times he has abused you, how he treated you, how it made you feel?
You need to remember this when you are missing him. It’s ok to miss the good times but remember they come with bad times too which is the reason you got out.
Also distract yourself with some music a walk whatever you can to take the thoughts away.
Stay strong

[PinkandGlitter]

Thats true actually you do remember the good times even though they’re limited. I think i just miss pottering around the house cleaning and having a place to call home. Being in a hotel is harder than i thought. I expected to feel free but I dont and can’t stop thinking about him x

[Camel]

Hi PinkandGlitter

I know it’s been a little while since your post and anything could have happened in the meantime.

Leaving an abuser is incredibly hard work. All of the disruption is ours while they’re sitting pretty. And because the abuser hasn’t had to worry about where they’re living they have loads of free time to keep up the control and abuse.

Hotel living was never going to be much fun. It’s a great short term option, a kind of refuge while you plan. But the moment it stops being a safe place you need to find an alternative. This could be another hotel in another town. If you have a car, try to find a hotel with underground parking so he won’t spot it easily. Ideally though you need to find something more permanent and as far away as possible.

The response of the police is very troubling. It shows an absolute lack of understanding of current legislation. You have no reason to be ashamed that you made a complaint. The officers who dealt with it should feel ashamed. It’s annoying but you have more hard work ahead. Find out if they have a domestic abuse policy and a designated team. Contact them directly to make a formal statement and to discuss your rights under the law.

I’ve said this on another post recently but it’s important that we all understand what constitutes harassment. Do your research and keep a record of everything that happens. Find out about getting copies of the hotel’s CCTV (you probably need the police to request this.)

It’s possible that you’ve returned home since your post. This is entirely understandable and is not a sign of failure when viewed in the context of coercive abuse. I agree that these men are not monsters all the time. If they were you wouldn’t have doubts. But I ask you to consider whether the ‘good times’ are really so good. Or do they only seem that way because they’re a respite from abuse? Do you feel euphoric when it’s good, determined to make the most of it because you know it won’t last? Personally I don’t remember any genuine ‘good times’ with my abuser. It was all fake, his little game, and I was never truly happy. And besides, one happy day is hardly fair exchange for three or four sh*t ones, is it?

Wherever you find yourself right now, plan!! You’ll find moving forward impossible until you have something in place. And as always, your safety is paramount. Seek advice on how to extricate yourself safely. And get support you can turn to whenever things get sticky.

[Author]

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