I’ve left but have a child together

[summerbreeze]

So I finally left after years of emotional, controlling abuse and on some incidents physical abuse.
It took so long to leave as it was always the question is it abuse and I’d stay as ‘it was good when it was good but bad when it was bad’ but the bad being him abusing me.
Well the relationship itself did bring me my beautiful child (him being the father). Now the thing is I’m a mess at the moment. Im trying to find housing/ refuge. My stress levels are through the roof as it’s been so hard to even find anywhere, I can sense my child is picking up on my stress as being even more fussy.
Anyway my issue (of many) is child arrangements with him. I’ve blocked him off everything but still have contact with his mother. I don’t want to go through the courts for child arrangements and also at the moment don’t want police involvement (please I don’t want pressure in police getting involved, I myself don’t have a postive experience with them).
I have fleed to a city far away, so I don’t even know how to go about this.
I for my child sake don’t want to stop him from seeing the child. I am making contact through his mother but obviously when I find a refuge they can’t know where I am placed for my saftey. He’s already managed to message me through his mother’s phone with a big sorry message (this is typical of him always sorry but then nothing would change) so this is already messing with my head.
I guess I’m just asking of anyone else’s experience when it comes to child arrangements with that of the arrangments being eith your abuser espically when you now aren’t in the same area. (I currently also don’t have a vehicle)

[SingleMomSurvivor]

I have kids with my ex so I definitely understand the stress of trying to figure out custody arrangements. I also understand your hesitation in dealing with the courts and police as many survivors find their dealings with them to be traumatic. When I first left my ex I was terrified to go through the courts, but I think that if I hadn’t, him & his family would have continued to harass me. But now that I have a court order in place, all custody arrangements and communication agreement are spelled out. It makes me feel safer. If you don’t go through the courts (which is absolutely your right & your decision) you will need to come up with a custody plan on your own, but know that he will likely continue to try to wiggle around it as all abusers do & there won’t be a way for you to enforce it without court involvement. I’m thinking that speaking with a solicitor might help even if you decide not to go through the courts. They might be able to advise you on how to come up with an informal custody arrangement. Also above all else right now, focus on you and your child’s safety. Your ex put himself in this position of not having regular access to his kid because he’s abusive. Right now, focus on you and you child ❤️

[Llgirl]

Would you mind if I messaged you to ask you about how you found court for child arrangement?

[summerbreeze]

Thank you for taking time to reply to my post.
I really do appreciate sharing your experience. It’s really helpful and has got me thinking.
I think 100% your right with the focusing on myself and child at this present moment. I get so overwhelmed thinking of everything all at once when I need to accept that this is a journey that will have a very beautiful ending but I’m on that ride at the moment and gotta take each day and take little steps each day.
I do honestly believe that if I don’t go through the courts it will be hell. So you really are right.
Thanks again it’s really helped
Xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Summerbreeze

So sorry for your current situation and how dreadful its making you feel. Its understandable that you would be racing through all the stuff that this brings up, and for the sake of your child, no, you don’t have to offer an abuser access to your child unless you are sure its safe for the child and that he won’t withhold the child once he has isolated contact with them.

You can also go online to complete an application for a non-molestation order (stating some of the incidents you were subjected to, and those involving your child), and if this is done ex-parte he will not be notified of a court hearing to dispute this, but be served with the papers to stay away from you, but you do need to be very specific about it, for example, he can’t use third parties (in the way you described using his mum’s phone), and other specifics to keep him away from you, knowing him as you do. This won’t involve the police unless he breaks the order and then he can be arrested and charged with breaching court orders. To obtain one of these is free, and there is full explanation on the .gov website on how to complete it, and an example of how to complete it also.

Take things steady though, one thing at a time. What you are going through right now, means there’s no desperate need for you to be fretting over this immediately, explain that you will be in touch as soon as you can to set something up perhaps? give yourself some breathing space, and enjoy some time with your little one now you have that, then when you’ve had a space ( you could say you went on holiday for a couple of weeks for an essential break for instance).

Its hard to slow down when you first leave, as you are still running on fast reactions to him, and it takes a while for your body and mind to acclimatise to this new space you are both in, and do all you can to take breathers, rest, unwind as often as you can manage. You’ll work things out, consider your options and decide whats best for you. I hope you can also access help from a DV specialist as they will understand this.

warmest wishes

ts

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