I’ve made everything worse

[Confused-and-alone]

So about(Detail removed by Moderator)ago I tried to end it – after a big argument I told him I wanted to leave. He said he knows he’s not been a very good husband but he’s so sorry and wants to try to make it better – neither of us used the word abuse.

So I backed down and stayed and now he’s trying to be lovely and attentive and less moody. But he seems to think that being flirty and affectionate is going to fix things. I have always had trouble saying no to sex as he is coercive and there is always an implicit threat of a massive argument if I say no. But now it’s worse it’s pretty much every night or first thing in the morning when I’m still not fully awake and now the threat in the background is that we have to have a massive row about our whole marriage and how I obviously don’t love him if I say no to sex. I don’t think I do love him anymore but I haven’t said this I’m too scared to. I wish I hadn’t even tried to leave – at least he ignored me more then, now he seems to want to fix things by having sex all the time and always trying to cuddle me. I’ve never felt more trapped.

[KIP.]

I went through the same. It’s like if they can coerce you into sex it means in their mind they have the power back. I think for my ex it was some weird reassurance. He knew it was coerced sex (rape). With veiled threats of what would happen if I said no. That sex meant we had a good relationship and without sex our relationship was bad. Hours and hours of sleep depraved lectures. The bottom line is a very sick individual is coercing sex out of soneone who clearly does not want to have sex. It will only get worse. Please work on a safe exit strategy. My skin crawled when he touched me and destroyed my self esteem. You haven’t made it worse. He has.

[Sunflowersandstars]

His ‘good’ behaviour won’t last. I’m sorry you are in this place right now- but you have said yourself you don’t think you love him anymore and that is a huge thing to accept, it was for me anyway. He will see and feel that he is losing his grip on you hence why he’s trying to be nice, you do not have to have sex with him and it’s horrible that you are too scared of his reaction to say no. Is there anywhere you can go? Maybe call a helpline? Or speak to a family member? You are so close, I can feel your desperation- and realising you don’t love him and that his behaviour is wrong are what you know and feel- you can get out, you don’t even have to say anything above leaving, just go at the first safe opportunity. Good luck
SaS

[dustypink]

Mine was doing the same.
Having sex with me to get his control back. As I read in a book, sex for agressors is not love, but is act confirming you are under this control.
That’s why most if the abusers need it so much.

One of the best things now when I am on my way out – I don’t have to have sex with him.

[Author]

Posts