I’ve messed up

[Starmoon]

I feel terrible… (detail removed by Moderator) has been a mess and I don’t know who to talk to. I’m in a good relationship…but my partner did something that reminded me so much of things with me ex and I was the one who caused a massive argument. he said something that I thought was (detail removed by Moderator).. it reminded me of when my ex would gaslight me and I just felt like I couldn’t let him do it to me… we ended up arguing and he was saying he hadn’t meant it in the way I said but I was adamant… he said I was treating him badly and I (detail removed by Moderator) and told him he should leave, I know how terribly I behaved.. but I felt like I had to defend myself like I never did with my ex… the thing is, my partner isn’t abusive. my daughter got upset because he left to cool off and she didn’t know if he was coming back, i was upset feeling as if I was back there with my ex… it’s ptsd- I know that it’s not rational. He obviously did come back and we’ve talked and he’s said he was sorry and wouldn’t ever say anything to deliberately hurt anyone- which I realise now I’m calm… but now I feel awful that my issues have lead to this and that my daughter got so upset thinking he was leaving and we were splitting up. I’ve said to her I’m sorry and that we have sorted it out… this is all my fault. My ex used to cause such huge issues and then walk out and leave and I’d beg him to stay… so with my partner now- anything that happens and I tell him to leave- which I shouldn’t, but I can’t think rationally… it’s as if I’m instantly back with my ex and I have to prefect myself- but by doing what I do- I’m the bad one, I’m being abusive. I feel like the worst mum in the world

[Starmoon]

I feel absolutely horrible… i think all the stress of my ex saying he was going to get me arrested re my previous post.., and I just wanted a perfect day with my kids because of all that… and it all went so wrong, I don’t want my partner walking on egg shells, I don’t want him feeling he can’t say things or make mistakes without me treating him the way my ex treated me… I don’t know how to explain it… at the time I felt so sure he was gaslighting me, but now I’m looking at it calmly, I don’t believe he would ever do that… it’s like I was trying to argue with my ex but doing it with him instead.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Starmoon

Sounds to me that, whilst it was extreme and upsetting, you have managed this. You have recognised your triggers, explained yourself and apologised and been able to move beyond it to see exactly whats been going on for you, and been apologetic and transparent to them also.

I think it might be good to also include the bit that you have said in your second post, about not wanting him to have to walk around on eggshells, etc., if you haven’t already said it, as its a very valid point to make, and maybe also get some support for yourself to work through some of these crippling triggers, so that you deal with them away from the ones you love. No, you’re not an awful mum! An awful mum doesn’t care who she’s upset! Doesn’t get upset herself over such things, so try not to be too hard on yourself. You’ve held yourself responsible for your part in this and can look towards preventing it happening again so everyone can relax around you.

I can see that you have turned yourself inside-out here, and I would add that its easy to turn stuff on yourself, but you also do need to be sure that this wasn’t something that an abuser would say. If you don’t have any other red flags, and he hasn’t raised your alerts in other ways, then all good, and I hope that there isn’t any other issue and that your new partner is a keeper!

warmest wishes

ts

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