This topic contains 22 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  HeasvHeart 4 months, 3 weeks ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #69617
     HeasvHeart 
    Participant

    I have been thinking about leaving since I posted about the last time he intimidated me and last night I said we should break up.
    In all the years we have been together I have never felt he was truly sorry or taking full responsibility for the things he’d done (I could always have handled it differently type of thing).
    But last night was completely different. I have never seen or heard him that way. I do believe his heartfelt sorry and I’ve never seen him cry the way he did.
    I still stand by not trusting him to not do it again and not wanting a life like that, but there is a part of me that thinks what if this time he really did see what he was doing and the help he was getting would help?
    I feel like now is the best time for me to leave but what if I regret it?

  • #69618
     Popilol 
    Participant

    They don’t change. The abuse just gets worse. We kid ourselves that they can change. Even when they say they are sorry, there’s always underlying tones of ‘but you made me do it’.
    It’s so hard to leave, but in a few weeks you will understand and see it for what it was.
    If you truly want him to get help, get out and tell him you will review the situation in a month, 2 months, whatever you want. On your terms.
    Stay strong, and mostly, stay safe. Keep writing in here because it’s hard to leave and you will need all the support you can get. Call woman’s aid and ask for practical advice if you need it. Sending hugs and love x

  • #69620
     HeasvHeart 
    Participant

    Thank you x
    He has said he will get help and even started the process but it hasn’t made me feel anymore content or like things will change.
    The episodes are so infrequent that I feel I need to make a decision rather than wait to see if it happens again.

  • #69621
     Popilol 
    Participant

    I would let him do it all on his own. Always remember that you are not his reward for going. Many men believe that if they get help it’s their right for you to stay. It isn’t. There’s lots of information from women’s past experiences with partners seeking help. To me it seems that they are not very successful. My ex said he would get help but I think he’s getting help
    With the alcohol, but that isn’t the root of the problem. I’m sure he would spend the entire sessions blaming me and using more and more excuses. There is no reason for abuse, no excuse for abuse! They are abusive because they are nasty violent men!

  • #69622
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I agree its very difficult to change patterns of behaviour theyre engrained in these men from young children. Its there belief systems and attitudes from their upbringing, media etc. They don’t change its who they are, they have no boundaries. This is the hard bit, stay strong and when you waver write down all the bad thing he did and keep referring back. Give it a few weeks and things will ease with lots of support around you. You can have a free, happy life again. No more walking on egg shells xx DIY

  • #69623
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I think once the decision to leave is made it eventually will happen. He may be feeling grief and sadness, it doesn’t change what hes done to you and made you feel though does it. You could give it a week, a month, another year, but in your heart you know it’s over. Once they kill our love for them it can’t be brought back to life. I have no love for my oh now, I go through the motions, but I really wouldn’t care if he went out of my life tomorrow, today even. He has broken my Heart into pieces over the years, always saying I had to change, never him, ALWAYS blaming situations or others.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #69627
     HeasvHeart 
    Participant

    For the first time ever he is taking full responsibility and saying things he never has before. I just don’t want to wait another year for it to happen again and then have to go through this all over again.
    Right now I am absolutely devastated and sorry for messaging like this on new years eve x

  • #69629
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s all lies and manipulation. He will say and do anything to gain control back. One episode of abuse is too much. I’m sure you have given him chance after chance. You can recover from this. You can move on from this. You’re allowed to grieve for the loss of the relationship but loving him will not change him. Be careful because as he realises you’re not changing your mind, his abuse will increase until he becomes violent. Get ansafe exit plan in place and do not tell him.

  • #69631
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Since reading this forum I’ve saw how much we want to believe our partner is the one who’s different. Sadly noone had proven me right.
    We want to believe their words, but Actions speak a thousand words as the saying goes. Ask yourself, are you still wary, deep down do you believe him. There’s no shame in giving him another chance, my God we have all done or are doing that. No-one wants to ‘give up’ on our relationships, but you’re not giving up. This is not a respectful two-way relationship, if you get to do something it always comes with strings.
    I’m so tired at giving in to keep the peace, of not doing anything I want to do for me,of not having the energy to do anything for me, yet he’s the first to tell me to get a life, get out amongst people. Yet I know he’ll find a way of making me feel guilty at not staying in with him. I dont know who I am anymore, I’m a shadow of who I was.

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #69652
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    I can only speak from my own experience. I’ve got to breaking point, said we’re over, he broke down. I didn’t carry through, his behaviour returned to the way it had been before. Only now I’d forced him to go and see the doctor and take meds apparently, the (non-existent) side effects are all my fault I’m told.

    Oh, and he steals money from me to pay for online subscriptions so he can triangulate and flirt with someone loudly whilst I’m sitting there.

    Your guy could be the exception to the rule. I agree with the advice you’ve already received though.

  • #69667
     Itwastimetostopit 
    Participant

    I can only echo what the other ladies have said.
    I went through same, him saying will get help etc not just once.
    But he never did.

    Just have a safety plan. He knows he’s losing you and losing control over you.
    My ex used many manipulative tactics too

  • #69711
     HeasvHeart 
    Participant

    I can’t tell you all how grateful I am for your responses and support.
    We’ve had another talk today and it started off with me thinking I was making the right decision, just because of how he was being, but has ended up with me being so confused.
    There are things he says that make me ‘compromise’ and I actually think it’s controlling so without saying that too him, I’ve said there are these examples of things that I do because of things he’s said but I don’t want to do them. He’s saying he completely understands and says I should just communicate better with him as he doesn’t want me to do those things either.
    He is also adamant that he stuck to his word and wasn’t physical after I said last time would be the last time, but I did feel like he would have if i hadn’t left the situation, and he says he didn’t think he was being intimidating or threatening but now I’ve said that’s how I feel he will stop that too.
    My head feels like it could explode and I’m sorry for going on as I know you have all taken the time to tell me this is manipulation and he won’t change 🙁
    I leaving (detail removed by Moderator) to spend some time with my family and get my head straight xx

  • #69714
     HeasvHeart 
    Participant

    I should also add, he is being very reasonable about all things financial. So not yet getting too angry or anything. Is this also part of the manipulation or genuine? X

  • #69715
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    The amount of time these guys can hold up the deception varies. I made the guy who was abusing me get help (he has genuine mental health issues in top of the abusive tendencies). He didn’t actually get the help he really needed I don’t think, but he played the game. He was getting help, the way he had treated me was unacceptable (I had called our wedding off) and he was going to make things better. He managed to keep up the facade for a couple of months. Then he hit me and tried to tell me that I had imagined it. I couldn’t believe he had hit me on purpose, but I was sufficiently aware of what was going on to decide that the gaslighting was not ok. And I moved out. Just saw him at weekends. Again he kept up the facade of being sorry and getting help and changing. Similar time period and then he once again started the abuse and I finally left. He was then totally reasonable and acted like a normal person about the break up – reasonable about me getting my stuff, about money. Until he wasn’t and he was harassing me for money he felt he deserved and refusing to sign the paperwork which got my name off the joint account etc etc.

    He was scarily convincing in the “sorry” stages. I thought for weeks after I left that I must have been imagining the abuse because he was so reasonable. It made things hard.

    He was normally low level abusive (mostly gaslighting and emotional stuff) with bigger b**w ups weekly and major incidents around monthly. He managed to get the low level stuff down to around weekly (mostly very subtle stuff) and then the bigger incidents were two months apart. Some abusers have shorter timescales. Others have longer. I wasted months after I knew I had to leave. But if his timescale is longer or his self control is better you could wait years for the abuse to return to the level that in your head means bad enough to leave.

    I had talked with my abuser about leaving many times in the preceding years and always come away feeling confused and not able to move forward.

    If I ever find myself in that position again I would leave without discussion and inform them later. If he has been abusive I would leave before he gets a chance to prove he hasn’t changed. You don’t need to live your next year’s walking on eggshells waiting for the next outburst. You’ll be happier gone. And he lost his right to a voice when he first abused you. Particularly as he will vote for his happiness over yours every day. I know relationships sometimes involve putting others desires over your own. But abusers put their wants above your needs. You can’t negotiate. You just need to decide and then take action. Good luck.

  • #69717
     HeasvHeart 
    Participant

    Thank you Tiffany – I woke up feeling sick and this message has helped me a lot!
    I say the abuse is about once a year but I feel like I’ll see the more subtle stuff once I leave. The big b**w up that scares me is once a year and I don’t want to waste anymore of my life waiting to see if it happens again.
    It would be much easier if I no longer cared for him as other than that I feel in a strong position to set up on my own and that’s why I don’t want to wait, it happen again and then things have changed and I’m in a different position, trapped and unable to leave like I am now.
    Thank you again x

  • #69781
     UnicornSparkleHead 
    Participant

    It’s so hard. I completely understand. I kept giving mine chance after chance after chance. (detail removed by Moderator) Cried about how sorry he was. Yet very soon started blaming me for everything, showing all the signs of not actually being remorseful/saying I did just as bad to him. They’re so good at manipulating you that no matter how much you realise their behaviour is not right, they still manage to convince you that they will change or that it was just “a moment”, not who they really are. Sadly, it is who they are. It’s n**********c tricks, maybe they even see it is love, but it isn’t. We love them and forgive them, and they abuse that love.

  • #69790
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    The mantra that got me out was “it’s ok to do what is best for me”. I am an empathetic person. I think that most people who are abused are. We try to understand, we want our abusers to stop hurting. We think if we can achieve that they will stop hurting us. We can’t understand our abusers because we can’t imagine caring so little that we would hurt those around us rather than try to change. I changed so much. How I dressed. My hobbies. Going out with friends. How tidy I kept the house. And things just got worse and worse. In the end I had to accept that I wasn’t the one who needed to change. And I couldn’t change my abuser. That left me with a strengthened mantra. I have to do what is best for myself.

    I tried to do it when I was with him, but I was just so desparately tired and unhappy. And I realised that it was crazy, going round and round in my head “is he bad enough to justify my leaving”. And talking to him about how I was unhappy, and thinking about leaving. And him twisting things and begging me and convincing me that I couldn’t live without him and so I stayed. I mistook that feeling of not being able to live without him for love. And I was still so unhappy that I cried every night. And suddenly I realised that actually it didn’t matter if he was abusive or not. It didn’t matter if he would change or not. What mattered was that I was unhappy with the relationship. And that’s enough to leave. I mean not if it’s one day and you are p****d because he didn’t clean the bathroom, but weeks and months and years of unhappiness. That’s as good a reason to end a relationship as any.

    Given your abusers long timescale for justifiably bad enough to leave abusive incidents I think you should probably make the descision on whether you stay based on your feelings and desires rather than waiting to see if there is another outburst. If you are still walking on eggshells, if you are still unhappy, I would leave. Honestly, I don’t think he will stay nice. You’ve accepted years of abuse. He will assume that you will accept years more. He just needs to keep his head down for a bit. He might even manage a couple of years. Ask yourself, when you tell yourself you love him, does it come with qualifiers? I love him but I wish he would get help for… I love him when he is.. I love him when…

    I love him when he is lovebombing me was what my feelings boiled down to. Not that I had the vocabulary to explain that. I love the mask of kindness he wears when he’s out in public. I didn’t want to hurt him. Because I never want to hurt anyone. None of these are good enough reasons to stay with someone who hurts you. Hurting you is not an appropriate coping strategy for dealing with whatever they are going through. It’s ok just to walk away. You don’t have to stay and help him.

  • #69800
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Thank you @tiffany, your words of advice are spot on as usual. 💜 I dont know why I’m staying, waiting on the big epiphany as you say. Yet im so unhappy and its always accompanied with a but. I haven’t said I love you to him for over a year, I certainly don’t like him, I feel nothing when we have sex, which is as few and far between as I can get away with. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and it will be the day I leave..IWMB 💕💕

  • #69820
     Doris 
    Participant

    Oh boy. I have lived with the behaviour and feelings outlined in all the above posts but thought I was alone until I found this website. I have lived with an abusive man for nearly (detail removed by moderator) years and accepted his cynicism, criticism, anger and total lack of empathy and made excuse after excuse for it. It does not change. I’ve had the tears, the promises, the lovebombing etc. but these are just tools to be used to manipulate and control. Unfortunately, I have never had any support – no friends (he’s intolerant with everyone behind their backs) but managed to cope somehow. But my life has now been blighted because I vainly and stupidly believed he would change. These people don’t change. Utterly devastating but there it is. X*X

  • #69926
     HeasvHeart 
    Participant

    I can’t thank you ladies enough for the strength you are helping me find.
    I am away from my situation and do not feel like going back. I know that could change as I keep going round in circles in my mind, so I am just taking my time and going to chat to a counsellor to get my head straight, before sorting out things properly re finances etc.
    Thank you xx

  • #70019
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    Well done. Keep your contact as minimal and as factual as you can. No contact is obviously best, although you probably can’t block him entirely until you sort out the financial stuff. Maybe look up the grey rock technique. It basically involves being totally uninteresting in your interactiobs with your abuser. I used it after I left until I had sorted all the logistics. Also don’t talk to him on the phone. He is going to be manipulative. It’s best if he has to do it in some kind of text form as it’s easier to see the different types of manipulation when they are written down.

  • #71037
     LozzyX 
    Participant

    This post… It’s helping me keep strong right now as I am almost at the stage of breaking free.. I am going through such similar emotions and turmoil..

    My husband has been trying his best last few weeks to be nice to me , but we both came to realise the damage is done .. I have now asked for a divorce and apparently he is ok with that, Indicated suicide again but not right away apparently …saying he knows it’s all him , he’s brought me down and I need to be free etc etc … The realisation it’s really over absolutely devastated me… I am sorry to admit that I then begged him to get help (he has been through the get help stage many times ) and that maybe we will be ok?!! I tell myself he isn’t that bad, emotionally absuive and completely financially irresponsible but doesn’t hit me so when he is being all vulnerable my heart breaks for him and for the end of our marriage …

    …I’ve cried so hard my head aches like it is going to explode .. I thought I couldn’t cope with all this and was still thinking I am regretting telling him it’s over. But tonight I’ve read this post and it’s helped give me strength … So thank you xx

  • #71705
     HeasvHeart 
    Participant

    LozzyX
    the ladies on here are amazing and incredibly wise so keep posting and speaking to everyone.
    I do hope you are ok and send lots of love xx

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

EXIT SITE

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account