I’ve tried to leave but i feel trapped

[Mitsygirl]

A friend has recommended i contact here. This may seem a bit waffley as im trying to hurry as im at work and darent contact at home as phone and ipad are checked.

Ive been with my partner (detail removed by moderator) years and married not quite a third of that. I asked him to leave (detail removed by moderator) it took me a while to build up the courage but i was unhappy and felt as though i had to explain most my moves even though i am doing nothing wrong i just am not in love so i did it by text I told him i needed a break he then started texting nasty messages accusing me of seeing someone else, im ending it because im out at the weekend and want him (no idea who) in my bed and so on, i tried to reassure him none of it is true because it isnt. He finished work early and he came and found me (detail removed by moderator) later that day, we argued, our daughter then turned up and accused me of all sorts shes always been a daddys girl she was (detail removed by moderator) then. In the end i agreed to sit and talk to him (detail removed by moderator) and i felt as though i was backed into a corner and i backed down and agreed to try make it work.

Fast forward (detail removed by moderator) months and ive tried but i still am not in love, i am unhappy, i get questioned over numerous stuff, he doesnt like me going to the gym its been known for me to cancel because i dont want the moaning from him, he gives me the silent treatment if im out with friends or expects me to sleep with him when i get home, I feel as though I am on edge all the time and having to be careful what im doing just to avoid questions or tension.

(Detail removed by moderator).

(Detail removed by moderator) asks me how long its been since i havent had feelings and i explained i dont have feelings for anyone he then tells me he thinks hes having a breakdown he sits at work wondering if anyone would miss him so i said you need help and hes like (detail removed by moderator) so I believe he is blagging me as he point blank refuses. He doesnt bother with his friends he sits at home watching tv or on his phone on facebook, sometimes he goes out (detail removed by moderator) with our youngest but hes not social at all. Every time there’s an issue or I say something that’s bothering me, it gets turned on me every time. He will give me the silent treatment at random times, leaving me racking my brains trying to guess what’s wrong if I ask whats up he says why is there something always up. I’m (detail removed by moderator) years old and unhappy, im not bothered if i stay single i just want to be happy but i know the guilt hes going to give me, the nastiness that is to come off him and i guess my daughter, the posts all over facebook again and the hardwork he will make it all. Im so unhappy i really dont know what to do or how to get out. The house is in my name under the local housing association none of this is my worry though im not even bothered if I struggle financially to be honest. In my heart I know this isn’t right and I don’t deserve this one bit, but I literally find it impossible to approach him to leave. He has no contact with half his family so wouldn’t have anywhere to go, and I don’t even know if he knows he’s being emotionally abusive to me.

Another thing that worries me he met his real dad about (detail removed by moderator) years ago it turned sour within 6 months due to his jealousy over step sisters so he text him and said (detail removed by moderator) even though he was sat at home with me he played mind games with his dad, I don’t want any of that either. I am worried and mum keeps saying hes playing mind games to be careful.

Sorry its such a long post.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there MG,

Good to see you posting and welcome to the forum. Don’t be sorry at all for your post, you’ve come to a safe place.

It’s really good to read that you know this is emotional abuse. You’ve explained many tactics and I would think a lot of this would come under the controlling and coercive behaviour legislation – it’s illegal for him to be checking your devices like you say for example.

Have you ever called the WA helpline? They can help make a plan for you to leave. By the sounds of it, it’s not gone onto physical abuse, but leaving an abusive partner is dangerous so perhaps it would be good for you to speak with them to get some help and tricks? It sounds like it might be difficult for you to do from home, but they are open 24/7 and you can leave a voicemail as well on what time they can call you, so perhaps you could talk to them in a lunch break at work?

I’m really sorry to read he used your daughter to get you to stay. That must have been devastating. It’s no wonder you feel trapped. I’ve never been fortunate enough to become a mother myself, but I’ve seen a book being recommended on other topics on this forum – when dad hurts mom I think it’s called. It’s by Lundy Bancroft. He has also written a book called why does he do that which I find really good.

Keep posting on here, sending you lots of strength

[Mitsygirl]

Thank you for your reply, i at first thought it was just me until i finally plucked up the courage to speak with my mum.

A photo was loaded on social media with a comment (nice one) which obviously people have commented on and this makes me feel worse and makes me feel the bad person, then (detail removed by moderator) my daughter loaded a photo of them both and says (detail removed by moderator). Its stuff like this thats making it so much harder for me. I just know he is going to make me feel so guilty and pester me but i always want him to know he can talk to my family and the kids are more than old enough to keep their own contact with him, i wouldnt ever stop it. I wish it was easy x

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