Jealous. Insecure. Afraid of ruining my relationship

[lilbird]

Hi all.
After leaving my abusive husband (detail removed by moderator) years ago, I have been with my current partner about (detail removed by moderator) years now, but I am riddled with jealousy and I guess to a certain extent possessiveness. My partner occasionally sees his ex in the town where he lives – now this ex is from (detail removed by moderator) years ago but I can’t help feel jealous! She says hello to him but always seems too full on, like some silly little teenager again and my partner seems to like that! I’m afraid that those past teenage feelings with her may start to bloom and he may start thinking ‘what if’. It’s not just her I have a problem with, it’s any female he speaks to where it be at a checkout in a supermarket or when we are ordering a meal – I can’t stand it and it’s really beginning to eat away at me. We run a business together and I dread when we get female customers, it is that bad! I hope someone out there can understand. I am so insecure and jealous and get very b****y and angry that I know sooner or later I am going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person. It is making me very ill and I just want him to myself. I couldn’t care less about other men, I don’t flirt or take any notice of men when we are out ad about but he always seems to on the ‘look out’ for other women – looking for those high heels, short skirt or nicely made up female 🙁 {Please help, im desperate x

[Ayanna]

Maybe you have a gut feeling that is correct? Many men are womanizers.
Do you want to be with him when you feel like this about him?
Maybe you are better off without him?

[lilbird]

I know he’s said in the past he can be a natural flirt so maybe if he’s always been that way then he’s not realising he’s doing anything wrong.

[Confused123]

HI HUn

I would say it depends how u feel, yes some men are flirters but u have to ask yor self is he just being his joking flirty self or should there be some boundary in place to how much he flirts. I know my ex used to flirt with other girls in front of me to p**s me off, but cause i was de attaching myself from him and hated him so much i totally blank it as he had no self respect for me , if i was with a guy who i cared about i would point out how it makes me feel, infact even with my ex i used to tell him this is just another a way of disresspect he is showing to me which i totally expected and am not giving no reaction happy f flirting

[Suntree]

You say it is now affecting you to an extent that any female customer comes to your business you are worried.
I would look at getting some counseling to help you unravel what is really going on.
You can’t let how it is affecting your life at the moment go on.

[danicali]

well interesting, this. because normally, excessive jealousy is a trait of abusive men. realise that this mindset is just that… common with abusive, possessive men who think that every time their partner speaks to a man, she’s s*agging him or planning to s**g him. not. not unless he’s a known cheat.

I can see how the ex is a threat to you – most new partners are very jealous of the ex, particularly when they seem to get on. but you can’t change the past. he was with her. they probably loved each other. feelings just dont die just because you split with someone. i still love one of my ex boyfriends and probably always will do but i cannot be with him. just one of those things you have to be grown up about and deal with.

if you don’t deal with it, if you get difficult with him about all of this, he may very well get fed up with it and leave… so if you love him and want to keep him, loosen the leash a bit and trust him – fact of the matter is, most men look at an attractive woman… that is not cheating it’s being a man x

[older lady]

…because being a “man” means he can’t control the wandering eye?

[Serenity]

Hi Lillibird,

Our sense of trust is broken after abuse, and it takes a lot to regain it again.

What is missing from your post is any details about your partner’s response to your feelings of insecurity, apart from him saying he’s a natural flirt ( that statement is merely about him- it doesn’t acknowledge your feelings or try to relate to your feelings in any way).

If you are in a healthy relationship, ideally you should be able to voice your worries and your partner will genuinely reassure you.

If you have a relationship where you aren’t able to voice your worries, if your partner gets angry or annoyed by you raising anything difficult, or where you aren’t permitted to express your emotions or feelings, or where your partner minimises or dismisses your more difficult feelings, then that’s not healthy and your insecurities are bound to continue or to build up over time. Communication and recognising your partner’s worries is important.

In a relationship where there is an imbalance of power or a communication problem, one partner or both aren’t able to touch on certain subjects and be fully honest.

If you are in a relationship where your feelings are completely ignored and minimised, and the thing that upsets you even seems to be dangled under your nose on purpose, then that is unkind and unfair. In a good relationship, someone wants their partner to feel secure. Their vulnerabilities are not used against them.

I don’t know which of the above is your situation because you’ve not written loads about your partner’s response, but that in itself is a bit worrying: you’re putting all the onus on yourself, and the blame, when in fact your partner should be acknowledging your worries and respect tyour feelings, and help you to feel better about the situation.

If you think the problem might have something to do with yourself, counselling might help.

I don’t think it’s good to just swallow your feelings and deny them, miserably having to edit what you talk to your partner about. Isn’t that how things were with our abusers? In a healthy and mature relationship, feelings are acknowledged and dealt with respectfully.

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