Just a broken shell

[Sweetielover]

I don’t really know how to begin with this. I just feel stuck. The physical incidents seem to be getting more frequent because at the beginning of our relationship there was absolutely none and then it was once in a blue moon but the past while they’ve gotten more often and even though I’ve called him out on his behaviour he didn’t actually deny it rather than almost turned it back on me during the next argument in a sense where it felt nearly comical to him and that me pushing him off me was me abusing him. Ive begged him not to let it happen again multiple times and again I was told it wouldn’t but I nearly feel fed up of the false promises and the fear it causes me. I guess I’m in denial that he is abusive because he forever plays the victim in 90% of situations. I’ve been reading why does he do it and a lot of it registers with me and I’m able to compare behaviours however I still almost feel in denial because he almost twists things to make me out to be the one in the wrong. I’m scared to say no to him in regards to anything and feel like I’m constantly on eggshells and I honestly don’t know anymore what will cause him to flip because it seems to be nearly everything. Apparently everything is good in his life at the minute aside from our relationship so I can’t understand how I’m causing any problems when all I try to do is please him. My family and friends are so worried about me and I feel awful putting them through it and try to tell them as little as possible but sometimes I feel like I just need someone to explain my side because he makes me feel like I’m genially insane. No one can understand why I’ve stayed and I can’t explain why, it’s almost like I just hold onto when things are good even if it’s just for a matter of minutes or hours. But I feel like it’s completly broke me as a human and I don’t know how to handle it anymore, or how to make things better. I partly just don’t feel strong enough to be able to walk away because everything’s been in a sense stripped from me, my self esteem, confidence, power and strength and I don’t want to have to possibly run into this person. But I don’t know how much more of me is left to be broken emotionally, mentally or physically. If anyone can give me any form of advice I’d be forever great-ful.

[Hetty]

There’s never an excuse for violence. End of. This man is not capable of a functional healthy relationship. Don’t think that it’s you. If it wasn’t you it would be another. None of this is your fault. Coming to terms with the abuse and making steps to leave is incredibly difficult, especially while you’re still in the situation. What he’s putting you through is traumatising and therefore difficult to think clearly.
First please contact your local domestic abuse service. They can help you gain clarity and think through your options. Are you able to pack a bag and go to a place of safety with a friend or family member?
Start keeping a secret log of the abuse. Remember this is a criminal offence and you are within your rights to contact the police.
You can find yourself again. It’ll take time but first you need out of this situation and you need to be safe xx

[Author]

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