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I’ve dated this new guy… super early days and not physical yet. This evening we were texting whilst I was with a friend. She said to ask him if he had any single friends and if we could double date. I ended up sending a photo of both of us and his response was ‘can’t I have you both’. I don’t find that funny!! It makes me feel like he liked my friend too!! I wouldn’t dream of saying something like that about his friends.. it feels in appropriate. I know this is small fry and not serious. I mean I’m a year out of an abusive relationship but I want to set decent boundaries. Because I’m not attractive myself, i probably can’t be fussy but o don’t want to date someone who thinks it funny to basically say they fancie my friend. That’s not unreasonable is it?? I posted the same question on a single mums page and everyone (literally everyone) said I’m being over sensitive
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Oh Still-trying…I felt such a blow of sadness to read you writing that you are not attractive and probably can’t be fussy. It is something I have thought a lot about recently because of my work. I really don’t think it’s up to us to decide how attractive we are. We don’t see ourselves. We see a reflection. We don’t see ourselves as others do. We are all made of the same stuff, more or less. We all have things to offer.
Please take some time to think about and maybe write down some of the things you enjoy, maybe the food you enjoy, the things that make you smile, what you enjoy thinking about, where you like spending time.
I remember my ex almost having sex with a friend. It was horrible beyond words. I should have split up with him then. The past is another country. It sounds as though your new boyfriend crossed a boundary. Please be confident enough to tell him. If he doesn’t like it, you can walk away with your head high. As likely he will probably apologise. If you have attractive friends, it means that you’re attractive too!
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What a beautiful reply Maddog. Our previous partners have made us doubt ourselves and how beautiful we are inside and out.
I was going to do a thread on this earlier but was wondering if anyone else, ‘let themself go’. I hardly get my hair done now, sometimes realise its been nearly a week since i even had a shower/bath. My legs are so hairy i could plait them. Im still with my husband but am wondering if he’s made me disgusted at myself so i might as well be disgusting OR im subconsciously pushing him away.
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Hi there and well done for leaving your ex.
My husband tried to get me into 3’S even with my sister in law, in the early days of dating. Not my cup of tea, but i was really into him so chose to ignore it. Hes badgered me ever since on and off. Let him know it made you uncomfortable, he’ll probably write it off as he was only joking. But Keep it at the back of your mind. If any other red flags pop up, get rid, you dont owe anyone any favours, except yourself. Enjoy your freedom still trying and be kind to yourselfIWMB💕💕
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I think the important thing is that it made you uncomfortable. Everyone is comfortable with different things and there is a wide range. For me personally I would also hate it if a man I’m dating said that, in fact years ago a boyfriend made the exact same joke and I didn’t like it then because in my mind when you first get together with someone you’re so happy to be with them that you’re not bothered about other people at all.
There is a good book by Gavin de Becker called ‘The Gift of Fear’ about how intuition protects us. In one section he talks about how when interviewing assault victims (he was a detective I think) he always asked if there had been any jokes that stood out in their mind said by themselves, the perpetrator or other people nearby. He said there was often a connection between humour and reality and advised to tune into people’s jokes. I found that to be true with my ex because he joked about a lot of things that rather sinisterly ended up being the reality when at the time I thought it was ludicrous and couldn’t possibly be true.
Only you will know about your particular case and this particular man so go with your gut.
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Oh also I forgot to say, please don’t put yourself down and call yourself unattractive and think you need to settle, that is far from the truth. This man is dating you so obviously he likes you, but regardless of that, whatever you look like, looks are only one part of attraction. You have intrinsic value as a good kind human being and need to be with someone who sees that. Abusers are notorious for making us feel hideous, my ex did that to me. When someone asked me out a few weeks after leaving him I felt genuinely confused. I still do at times and have to remind myself I’m not the negative things my ex made me feel.
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Hello, dear still-frying,
This is a big red flag. It is not the joke, the man who says that will not be good. Have been through this with my second abuser. Exactly the same words.
A man who gives respect to a woman – will NEVER says this, not even as a joke. Please do not ignore it.
I think many women so much used to this type of joke and it became kind of norm, so it is getting widely ignored.
Know your self-worth, protect it, grow it, nourish it. By taking not to account this – it shatters your self esteem, but in fact you are the one, who should protect it.
It is not ok what he is done, later he will try to do a pass to your friend, this is one of manipulative tactic, so you will be more dependent on him. In fact he is not really interested in your friend, but just wants to make you vulnerable, is also one of the options.
Women – should not brush this joke under the carpet. It is not funny, it is a degrading joke. They taste the water with it – because it is so easy to say then… Can you not take a joke? Or it was only a joke!
He already backed up his exist with it.
By the way – I had this joke not only once to my side, and it NEVER has been from a decent, good man.
Just look at the effect what it has been done to you, how it made you feel and so on, and which doubts you started to have that you should not be so fussy. NO! You should be fussy, and you have total right for this! And this right does not come only with the cover magazine look. This right all women deserve!
You are not fully happy in terms with you, you can always improve this, by making healthier choices and healthy choices in men too. You have total right for respect. -
I think this probably is a red flag. If you approach him about this and he agrees it was insensitive then maybe he is just learning how to conduct himself in a new relationship? Id give him a chance. If he on the other hand says that your being jealous or even crazy then that’s not the reaction you would want. Its then a lack of respect for you. xx
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Dear StillTrying
I dont think its funny. Its inappropriate, he might be meaning it as a compliment to your friend, and theres nothing wrong with complimenting a friend, but thats just d**n wrong, because surely your friend must have felt weirded out by it too? its awkward making. I really hope your friend wasn’t flattered by it and thought it therefore funny too.
Please please love, you are beautiful, beautiful and lovely and considerate and kind and sensitive. Your sensitivity is telling you that you don/t like it, and you dont have to. How he reacts to your telling him this will be telling. It will tell you how he is going to treat your feelings, what regard he has for your opinions. If he’s sorry and agrees that he perhaps was a bit inappropriate, but if he plays it down, tells you to lighten up, or get a sense of humour, or similar, get rid, and lucky escape i say.
You deserve a good decent kind and considerate person and don’t have to settle for less. Enjoy things for you, and if he adds to that then great, if not, keep enjoying yourself by yourself until someone else seems better deserving of your kindness and affection.
warmest wishes ts
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What everyone else says! We may not all be digitally altered plastic teen doll model types but that’s a shallow view of what is attractive. His comment was crass and offensive, not amusing. It suggests he sees you and your friend as commodities, not people. He comes across as a kid choosing at the sweetie counter, wanting both options. What makes him think he can have either?! I’m guessing he’s not exactly Mr Universe himself.
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I think that men are at their best behaviour at the first stages of dating. If he’s making these offensive jokes at this point you can only imagine how things will be further down the road. You are completely right to be upset about this and you should let him know it is not OK. It is difficult for us, abuse survivors, to establish boundaries but we must! People will treat us the way we treat ourselves.
It breaks my heart reading that you don’t find yourself attractive. Look at yourself at the mirror and I am sure you all you will find is beauty and strength, after all you are a survivor. Don’t put yourself down like that! Do things that you enjoy and learn to appreciate all the good in yourself.
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I wouldn’t like it if my new boyfriend said that about my friend. I would think why would you say that to a new girlfriend. I wouldn’t like it one bit. For me it shows his eyes will wonder around. You deserve someone that thinks you are the most beautiful and he wouldn’t want to look at anyone else in that way.
Don’t settle for less anymore. I know I’m not going to.
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Thank you so much for all of your replies. I did say that i was slightly unsure of how to take his comment and he brushed it off as a joke, was clearly offended I’d been offended 🤔. Funnily enough I haven’t seen him since lol. A couple of ‘friends’ said I must’ve scared him off being too sensitive… Or perhaps because I didn’t find that funny he found me to be a prood etc.. to be honest I don’t want to be with someone who finds that sort of thing funny… and surely that’s ok?! I honestly think it could’ve been a red flag.. and the fist sign of worst to come. Equally could’ve been a joke but it proves I don’t want that sort of person. I challenge any of my friends to laugh at their partners if they said that sort of thing. I’m absolutely sure they’d all be fuming to be honest. X
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not a big loss here, obviously he did not like the confrontation and that you have raised your voice on this matter, showed you have a healthy self esteem and respect to yourself. You should be proud of yourself. You are becoming more aware of your environment.
Before I would ignore such jokes, but in my current state and my experience – I would not do that. Neither I advise to women to accept this type of joke. If the man would get the opportunity to do that for real, he will do it and he only ask about it, to try if it is going to work out.
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Hi still-trying, well done you. Your gut instinct spoke and you listened😊.
My OH, once we were an item and no longer seeing each other in an affair situation, he asked if I’d ask a ‘friend’ if she’d fancy a3some. Tbh i wasn’t comfortable asking, i didn’t want to share him. It didn’t feel right. Long story short, she actually agreed!! It didn’t happen, can’t remember why,but anyway he now calls her all the names under the sun, and i have little to do with her now😏
Funny how he turned it back on you, saying he was offended cos you were offended and couldn’t take a joke. Chancer!!
Your ‘friends still don’t see the world through our eyes. They still accept male locker humour, being the butt of men’s jokes. 😞😞 dont let them bring you down.
You’re amazing❣IWMB 💕💕
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Thank you again for your replies. I would’ve accepted this sort of joke in the past, and have done. Its never sat right with me though, and would end up being the sort of thing that Would build resentment. It really does make me lose so much faith in any sort of equal relationship. I don’t feel this man is any loss on a personal level.. it’s just sad 😔
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