3rd April 2016 at 3:33 pm #12848SerenityParticipant
When my ex went ( I think he was having an affair, and was also angry that I had put my foot down about him travelling abroad alone again, since he never paid for our family to go anywhere), he said to me that we have “different core values.”
Sometimes this phrase pops into my mind, and I can’t really get my head around what he meant.
I know that he would ridicule me for being worried about people’s feelings, for wanting to be honest, for working hard and not taking advantage of people.
He, meanwhile, tried to put in the minimum effort for the maximum reward, his sense of humour consisted of ridiculing people and making fun of the vulnerable, and he thought nothing of cheating people ( I found out later).
But how can an abuser actually look at these things and recognise society views them as negative, and excuse their own dishonesty, selfishness and treading on people- if this is what he meant?
If you know something is generally viewed as wrong, how on earth can you try to excuse it?
All I can think of is that he thinks of the world in a negative way- that people can’t be trusted end cheat, and that you are a fool if you don’t look after yourself first?
Maybe he looked at me at being idealistic, naive and unrealistic?
But doing the right thing isn’t stupid. Society falls apart if abuse and dishonesty go unreprimanded ,doesn’t it?
And what is hilarious is that he went mad if he thought anyone was taking advantage of him. He’d go mad. So it was one rule for him, and another for other people.
I wondered if any of you had any thoughts on this. It’s doing my head in!
3rd April 2016 at 3:42 pm #12850godschildParticipant
I am also ridiculed for being caring, many years ago I had baked some cakes for my sons school fayre and he threw washing up water on them and said why do yo have to do so much good.
They certainly have one rule for themsleves and one for others mine will critise someone and yet be totally blind that he is doing just the same, Ive taken to pointing this out and he will storm out of the room, they are totally blind to themsleves.
If it suits mine will hook into good things I do to make himself look good. I don’t think they have any core values, they do what is in their best interest in any situation and are false to people to look good and run others down for what they do yet do it themselves.
3rd April 2016 at 8:24 pm #12892HopespringsParticipant
I think they behave that way because they don’t care about anything but themselves. They know it’s wrong but do it anyway because they simply do not care.
3rd April 2016 at 8:25 pm #12893HopespringsParticipant
Ps you could have been talking about my ex there. almost word for word.
3rd April 2016 at 8:49 pm #12894White RoseParticipant
That one of my ex’s favourite sayings. He has no idea what it means though as I asked him once. He’s heard it used and thinks it makes him sound intelligent.
He’s right though. our core values are worlds apart. He’s has no values at all he ruled by the rod not a kind word for anyone yet woe betide anyone he ever did a favour for who didnt gush thanks for years on end and tell everyone how marvellous he is. Felt people had to earn privileges. My values were different and always will be. I can’t help helping people and don’t care if they don’t realise I’m doing it because I want to and I don’t need thanks. I also believe in showing others when I’m proud of what they’ve done he wasn’t proud of anything my daughter or I achieved.
3rd April 2016 at 9:04 pm #12898AyannaParticipant
Same with the ex abuser. It seems they are all stuck in the anal phase of their early development.
Something went terribly wrong then and we happened to suffer it. They are a plague. But I cannot blame them fully. Their parents did something to them. I find that abuse is a generation trauma. Abusive behaviour resides in families. Many families have been through hardships for generations and they pass on the trauma.
We need to be mindful how we raise the kids.
The sad thing is that abusers do not admit to themselves that they are sick and need treatment. It is always the victims who want therapy and look for fault within themselves.
The mental illness of abusers seems to be incurable.
I got an insight why the ex abuser is abusive. I fully understand the history. He would only go along to a certain level and then he built up a wall. Something was altered in his brain and it seems to be irreversible.
All we can do is get rid of them and never let them get back into our lives. There is no hope in trying to help them. They will kill us before we can help them.
3rd April 2016 at 10:30 pm #12919NemoParticipant
my husband could and still will come up with any excuse in the world to justify his behaviour, whether it be to explain it away to me, his friends, his family, his solicitor, the police – the scary thing is i actually think he believes his rationale himself 😕
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