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I left my sexually abusive husband with my 2 children (Detail removed by moderator) weeks ago and am living with my parents while he moves out of the house.
I’m doing ok in general but struggling massively with the idea of letting him see the children. Over these few weeks he has picked up both children one night a week from school down tea and I get them at (Detail removed by moderator) Then he has had one weekend day (Detail removed by moderator). Even this is too much for me and feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and sliced into a thousand pieces. I have looked after these children almost every day of their lives, I have fed them, dressed them, soothed them and comforted them. He has never put them to bed, never got them up, never dressed them, never spent more than a few hours with them before this. He went away with work and didn’t ring to speak to them once. Now he wants them. He says alternate weekends is not enough and I am drowning in panic that these children will have to spend so much time with this man who has hurt me so much. Nobody understands, only a few close people know and they just seem to have forgotten what has happened and can’t understand why I don’t want them to spend time with their dad. I get they need to see him and I get it is best for them to see him so why is this tearing me apart?? They have only mentioned him once since we left, neither asked for him at bedtime or asked when they will see him which makes me think the contact so far is enough?
His solicitor is emailing mine and I cannot face what is going to happen.
How do I cope? What do I do?
My councillor and solicitor have both said I can go to the police with his behaviour and this could mean he would not see them unsupervised but for one what if they don’t believe me and for two how could I do that to this man who I’ve lived for so long and the father of my children?
Please please help me -
Oh Enofadov, I have no words of advice because I’m in exactly the same position as you and am feeling exactly the same. I could have written this word for word. I have no idea how to proceed either. So far I have taken our two very young children (babies!) to see him in the place I relocated from when I finally left. It has left me heartbroken shaky anxious and broken each time and I don’t know how to change things or what I’m meant to do when dealing with such an unpredictable unreasonable man who I’ve loved for so long and whose life I don’t want to ruin even though he’s treated me so badly for so long.
It is so hard. Huge hugs and following for any advice. Still can’t access counselling and the free legal advice I was put in touch with no longer happens either.
Xx
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Have you called the helpline? If nor I cannot urge you to strongly enough. I was desperate, it seemed as though I was alone against the world – not to bore you with my details but really – I was dealing with legal system, hospitals, social workers and no one seemed to be on my side. I called the helpline and within one week everything had turned around. The police will listen to you, everything has changed with them, they have specially trained officers now who are fantastic. Just reach out – help is waiting xx
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My advice having been in a similar position is to go to the police and tell them everything. Get protection for you and your children now. I would not want my children around a sexual abuser even if it is their father. Further down the line you may be asked why you allowed contact. I can tell you his demands will only get greater as he sees this battle unfurl and he will show you no mercy. He will lie about your behaviour if he has t already. Report the abuse now and start as you mean to go on. You will at least then have some weight to your side regarding access. Otherwise be prepared for outrageous demands and bullying from him.
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Aw Itwillbeokay its so hard isn’t it. I would never ever regret my children but I wish I could have given them the perfect family. So is your ex wanting contact?
Mine has now threatened with a contact order, my councillor says he’s probably going to be the best dad ever now so not to puta foot wrong.
I just can’t go to the police it feels so wrong and over the top 😬Indunn do you mean the womens aid helpline? I rang my local one a couple of times but didn’t really know what to say!
I’m scared to take this further now KIP as everyone seems to be seeing it as not that important and he has already denied it to his solicitors???? I have no proof so it’s my word against his and he’s so clever -
It’s horrendous. I’m trying to be reasonable when it comes to the children and messages dealing with things we have to do but at the end of the day I have left, taken most of the house and the children with me to a different town so he’s only seen them twice in a month. He is constantly minimising it to make me look and feel like I left with our children over nothing. I am a broken woman I think and frankly, not being the best mother I can be right now either. This morning I have woken up to some not very nice messages and a threat that he will “get his own back…..” because I took his children. Sent post (Detail removed by moderator) and phone last looked at at almost (Detail removed by moderator) this morning so drinking and whatever else all night I’d assume. I feel sick with fear over the whole sad situation and it makes me so upset to think he actually thinks I planned and wanted to leave all along.
x
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Iteillbeokay….is he asking for more contact? Does he want them on their own?
Mine is doing the same thing not even referring to why I’ve left completely ignoring it and acting like he doesn’t know why. Putting stuff all over Facebook, photos of kids when they were young with cryptic messages, his sister had replied with what an amazing father he is. It’s awful as I know it shouldn’t matter but everyone will think he is the victim??? Why does that matter to me??? He’s messaging me each day about kids and house and random things emailing me with articles to read about divorce and how we could have prevented it. Nobody at work knows but there is lots of gossip about why I have my ring off and some of them will have seen his fb posts. Just all so horrid still -
He’s saying I’ve created a scenario in my head, that he said a few things he shouldn’t have when he was in a difficult time of his life (long term unemployed), that I’m a disgrace and I should be ashamed of myself for taking our children away, that he’ll get me back and catch up with me, that I started most of it with weird behaviour (because I became very anxious of where he was going and how he’d come back), that I’m lowest of the low and I must’ve hated him a long time and I’ve planned it all along. How I’ve forgotten the good times, he wasn’t like I’m saying and he’s told everyone the truth. That they all think I waited for an excuse and then just left. That he stood by me when I couldn’t have children. I feel devastated and distraught and upset. I was taking the children to see him next week. I think I’ll need to go and see someone about him instead as I’m worried he will “get me back” through our children somehow.
I can see why people stay and simply put up with it. I can’t see a happy ending to this atall. He seems to be completely blaming me.
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Itwillbeokay it is almost exactly the same with me but as I’ve been scaredyo bring up things again with him he’s just playing dumb but all the other stuff….telling people he didn’t know I was unhappy that I didn’t talk to him etc. I’m scared it was all in my head, have I made it seem worse as an excuse to leave????? So utterly confused. I was so happy last week, so hopeful for the future now seriously thinking I’d have been better staying?? What if he makes me out to be crazy and people believe him? Which they will as he’s clever.
Only thing different for me is he’s being ultra nice…..not putting a foot wrong or saying anything that could be bad, even more confusing.
If I were you I’d talk to someone, especially for contact issues. Has he ever been abusive to the children?? Sorry if you’ve said this before??
So nice to hear from others in the same situation….makes me feel slightly less mad -
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I’m really sorry to hear you’re struggling too. It is horrendous isn’t it. I feel so sad and lost and worried. And frustrated that he seriously thinks I planned this all along. I wanted all along to be in a little flat with two young children by myself, no job as I had to resign the one I got as I left the area suddenly, no money but I planned this all along. I do have huge family and friend support, a lot of his messages today were slating my family saying we’re all from broken homes so he should’ve seen it coming and he hopes I instill better values in our children than I show myself. It’s quite unnerving how deluded he is as to quite how bad his behaviour and values are!!!!! It’s okay to be verbally abuse and threaten and intimidate your wife on a weekly basis. But apparently I’ve concocted a story by reading Google to justify my actions – of leaving with our children.
I’m so sad. I’m sorry you are too. Huge hugs xx
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I didn’t think it would be this bad once if left….that I’d still be full of such conflict. Thought I’d be relieved but not this constant guilt and confusion.
I knew I’d be sad forever for the children but not like this.
Yeah mine pretty much accused me of just being with him to have kids and then leaving.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to leave the area….was that to get away or be nearer family? Do you think you’ll stay there??
I’m lucky my parents are within (Detail removed by moderator) but means I’m still so close.
He has got a flat I presumevery Close. I’m scared to move home in case he is round all the time.
Have you tried asking him to stop texting you?? My councillor said if you do that and they keep texting it is harassment and can be stopped. I just need to pluck up the courage to do that now although my messages are so nice I feel I have nothing to ask him to stop for butvthen the niceness is I feel manipulation in itself?
So horrid….hugs back xxxx -
Please don’t be afraid of calling the police. Your solicitor and your counsellor have suggested that you do. You should not be living in fear. You should not have to be pacifying him.
The police have been very good and approachable to me. They didn’t speak to my husband when I said I was afraid that it would make things worse.Please think of it as another source of help. None of this is of your making.
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Yes I did mean Women’s Aid helpline, although the local police were supportive, flagged the address I had fled to, took action against him etc but I received real support once I had spoken to the help line. Just explain everything that has happened, they are trained to listen and given the garbled, borderline hysterical call they received from me, I was astounded how they easily they made sense of it all. I had kept quiet for decades, so there was a lot bottled up, on top of that I felt I was facing barriers in all directions. Don’t worry about how ‘charming’ he can be, I too worried about that but the police saw right through the act. We all know how hard it is, to ask for help for so many reasons but you and your children deserve to live in your home safe from attack, is a basic human right. Please make that call xxxx
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I left our home and just went to my parents and now I will stay in this area.
I’ve had threatening and horrible messages for a whole 24 hour period this weekend. I feel horrible. He’s basically saying I just used him to have children, that I’d planned to leave, I’d got what I’d wanted and I’m disgusting and should be ashamed of myself. Says he’s going to ruin me and my family, he wants every other weekend with his children or he will ruin me, he’ll get me back, if I wanted an enemy I’ve got one now. I think he’s drinking as a lot sent early hours of (Detail removed by moderator) and again (Detail removed by moderator) night but in the day too. It’s stopped for now. I was meeting him this week with the children but I think I need to seek legal advice on how he can see them as I don’t really want to see him.
He’s literally said I’m making it up, it wasn’t that bad, I’ve created a story about abusive behaviour to justify leaving with our children.
I feel so down and confused sat alone in my new flat. Maybe I should’ve just put up with it. It was only once a week or so, not all the time.
xx
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This is so hard. My brain is literally going round and round analysing what’s gone on and trying to decipher if he’s right and I have made it all up. I feel devastated that with our youngest barely (Detail removed by moderator) this is what we’ve become. I tried and tried to get him to stop his weekly abusive episodes, I don’t even know what made me finally leave, it was just another night of him being horrible to me and I walked out with a couple of bags and our children the following morning.
I’m so confused by the initial begging and pleading then a few weeks of Mr Reasonable and now this blaming me threatening me telling me I’ve made it all up.
Where do I turn to for legal advice around contact with the children as I’m really worried about what he’ll do now to “get me back” for leaving.
Sorry to jump on your post Enofadov, hopefully any advice will apply to you aswell xx
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Itwillbeokay…..please don’t apologise, I hope someone can give you some good advice on here and so many things are going though are the same.
I know this may sound weird but I think you are lucky having these messages….this is a sign things were bad, he is being horrible and you were right to leave because of this. This is also evidence to keep And reasons why he can be kept away from you and your children and it’s written down proof you have to show people. When you are strong enough this is a good thing. I’m jealous as my husband is not putting a foot wrong, playing so friendly and nice that I doubt everything and have no proof of anything.Have you been to see a solicitor yet? You definitely need to take these messages to them or the police, it will be enough for something in place to stop him harassing you and definitely evidence to affect him seeing the children???
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I’ve been reading up on it all tonight to try to calm my thoughts. I’d imagine your husband will go the same way at some point, it is just another tactic I guess when the other ones weren’t working. Mine also sounds like he’s been talking to people about it all and these people have supposedly given their opinions on it all.
I think I’ll ring the Women’s Aid helpline tomorrow for more advice. About how to cope with it and also who to go and see about him seeing the children. I can’t agree to his demands for every other weekend whilst he’s being so aggressive and threatening to me, it terrifies me. Plus he’s never really even looked after the baby. I don’t even know where he’s going to live when he leaves our house.
xx
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Hey itwillbeokay
Read your posts from yesterday and wish you all the best for today ringing WA.Just basically wanted to say I am with you in spirit.
I’m noticed your ex ‘threatened you with a contact order’.
Looking back – for a long time I was afraid of going to court and it was terrifying. Maybe at the time
I had no understanding of coercive control and I was in not good shape. But I did get stronger.But you may find that it is better to do that going forward – as eventually you will get legal boundaries and put things in place. You have rights. It is not an easy process but
others have been there before you and you will get support here.Please try to do little things to keep your wellbeing up. Little things each day to pat yourself on the back eh?
all best
ftc
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What i was trying to say was it is a threat from your ex because if you did go to court you would be entitled to put your side of the story across. The court would not automatically grant him a contact order without looking at the situation.
It is good that your family are in support. That shows another element for a stable situation for your new family, which is you and the kids. And you should be able to refer to this stable situation that you have chosen – when you do get to court.
ftc
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Thank you so much for that. It really is very helpful to get such informative and supportive messages through when I am definitely not in good shape and don’t really know what I’m meant to do.
He actually sent a message last night saying (detail removed by moderator).
Enofadov have you been to court already? Where are you at in this process? Xx
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I know you are asking someone else, but since it would have helped me to know this when I started I am going to offer a brief sketch of the process:
1. Children’s matters will be decided first. Where the children should live and who with.
2. Then if there is a finance hearing this will follow (there is quite a gap between these hearings usually as it depends on documents being assembled etc).
3. Finally the divorce is finalised. I was shocked when someone said at the start that the whole process can take two years. I have known longer and shorter.People say that it is unlikely that contact will be denied to the father, but I have known at least one case due to sexual abuse that it was denied completely. So that is where amassing evidence comes in, which although it is hard, you can start doing now.
Solicitors and the press will tell you there is a general trend towards offering shared parenting.
It depends though, and the Children’s Act (which you might choose to read and google) is the measuring stick by which the court makes decisions.
Bear in mind:
They prefer it if a child is not moved. (So if they are already living with you and have been for some time, then things are probably weighted towards you).
Not as simple as this obviously as it is the court who decides and not you or your ex, but prepared well and you will find it easier. Easier said than done, the main thing, look after yourself, stay calm, have faith in yourself. You can do it.
Don’t forget that even if no legal aid you may be able to get a McKenzie friend.
This is not the kind of education I would have wished to have, by the way, but if I can help someone else and make it a bit easier, I’m glad.
You are doing really well
ftc
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THe children’s measures go quite quickly as there is an acknowledgement, once the process is started that a stable environment is important.
Obviously Family Court matters are confidential. However there is nothing to stop us talking about the process. I had had nothing to do with a solicitor my entire life previous to my divorce, so I think talking about the process may help.
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I noticed you saying you have no job currently. Despite the difficulties it is actually a good thing as you should be able to apply for legal aid. Assemble your bank account statements from the last year, don’t forget to separate your child benefit/CSA e.t.c assemble your rent agreement and then go to get free advice from a solicitor (preferably one recommended by local domestic abuse services or ask women ) you could even go to two solicitors and get advice to compare them.
I know this is not easy for you, but once you take the bull by the horns, you may start feeling as if you have more control.
Also, if you possibly can, get two phones. Stay off the internet completely, facebook et.c
Suggest a reasonable contact time for ex on phone e.g. twice a week half an hour and then switch the phone off in the meantime so he can’t get at you. Do the handovers in a public place with CCTV or get someone to do it for you so he can’t get at you anymore.
Once again
well done
ftc
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Also I would say remember, until and unless you have a contact or residence order in place, there is nothing legally to force you to let him see the kids. Until mine was done, I refused to send my babes there. My solicitor said this was risky, but there was no court order to do so.
Get alternative advice to this.
It is a big life change, but you can do it.
all best
ftc
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Thank you so much. I really appreciate your help. I will ring WA tomorrow and enquire about who I could go and see for a free consultation. I am due to take the children this week to meet him but after all the messages I just don’t want to so need to know where we go from here. Problem is dealing with someone who is minimising everything, he won’t understand why he can’t just have them every other weekend or why I can’t just keep hanging out with him in parks where we used to live etc. Ugh it all feels such a mess completely due to his bad behaviour which he minimises to nothing and I’ve over reacted.
I almost feel like it would’ve been easier to have stayed and put up with the weekly episodes of abusive behaviour, mostly brought on by having a drink. I hated it and I was anxious about it all the time but at least I’d still have my family together and wouldn’t be worrying about how he was going to see them safely having been threatening towards me. It almost feels like I will be more unhappy and anxious having left him!! I don’t even know what I’m trying to achieve anymore.
🙁
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Thank you for such good advice…especially about the court process.
Itwillbeokay I’ve seen a solicitor twice, have sent a letter threatening occupational order to get him out of the house and he is moving out (Detail removed by moderator). Next issue is contact I think so we are meeting for next step (Detail removed by moderator). Ex has asked if I’m initiating the divorce or he will….which is best??
Also a big worry I have is I went with a solicitor recommended by WA specialising in domestic abuse….very small firm and my dad recommended I went with bigger file andyway ex has gone with big famous hot shot family law firm which is terrifying me as surely this will matter (Detail removed by moderator)????
Next big thing is do I need to send a message in reply to his kisses and thinking of you’d hes sending me. Last night he called me sweetie in a text, why am I letting him do this to me? Or if I say no am I causing conflict?? And will it go against me??
Ugh I’m in a dark place tonight -
Iteillbeokay I feel exactly the same tonight….should I have stayed? It wasn’t that bad, all would have been together. I’m still scared just in different ways. But hearing you say it I just want to say you did the right thing and I’m right behind you.
Tell me again about the abuse you have suffered? Will this help more and more make it real?? X*x -
I’m in a tough place too. I’m thinking of you. It’s not easy. I’ve spent the evening reading about emotional abuse and post separation and why you have to leave, it won’t get better, the damage it does and just anything really to gain strength. I really need to stop being in denial and see someone about child contact options but I am terrified of making it official when he minimises it so much. But I know it was bad really. It just totally messes with your head.
Will you divorce straight away then? I’ve not thought much about that yet really. I’m dragging my heals on everything as I’m so traumatised. And the horrible messages didn’t help. He would have been drinking but that’s pretty much the reason we’re in this situation, a lot of the bad behaviour/abuse (I struggle to use that word – he says it wasn’t but did admit to it when I first left – confusing) took place when he’d disappeared off for “a pint”. Verbally abusive, physically aggressive, threatening and intimidating behaviour designed to make me feel nervous, would withhold information about where he’d disappeared to and when and in what state he’d be back so I’d be worrying about it, belittled me, put me down, name calling, critical, things like that. It just got more frequent and worse over time. I left before for (Detail removed by moderator) when I was (Detail removed by moderator) months pregnant with our second child. He’s always been angry and difficult but I started to recognise it was a pattern of bad behaviour/abusive outbursts following lone and unplanned trips to the pub where he would drink and become angry. He completely minimises all of the above though and doesn’t seem to realise the effect it had on me even though I told him he was making me feel nervous and please stop calling me a f@cking c&nt was a favourite amongst other things, idiot, stupid etc. I asked him to sto regularly certainly in recent months, I started to refer to it as emotional abuse and said it wasn’t okay, he said I was just reading stuff on the internet and over reacting. He had started to come up into my face and space sometimes, blocked my way once, had started to make violent gestures, threw a place mat at the wall just passed my head the night before I left, would make aggressive jerky moves designed to intimidate me I felt, all after drinking really. But it had become a weekly thing in the end and I was always waiting for the next time, I’d actually become a bit weird about him leaving the house (oh he was unemployed past couple of years) because I felt nervous about if he would go to the pub.
Are you still living in the same house currently then?
From everything I’ve read tonight, we are definitely doing the right thing and it’s very normal to feel like we are feeling. I still feel like I love him. I feel so sad we didn’t make it. But I couldn’t go back. I know it would always be a problem. I think it’s something in him.
Big hugs xx
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Reading is a good thing and it’s realky heloed me. I’ve also been seeing a councillor once a week who is amazing and I have a really good friend at work who understands everything and speaks to me everyday.
Seeing a legal person will make things real and stop you going back maybe?
I was taking things slowly with the divorce but now think I will be forced into doing it sooner rather than later?
I’m so sorry you’ve been through that it sounds so scary for you and the children and I’m so glad you’re out of there now.No we are living with my parents, he is in the family home but says he’s found a rental and will move out (Detail removed by moderator). I’m scared I won’t want to go back to the house though now it’s been so long we are out of it??
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I really hope you do feel able to go back to your home. Maybe you’ll feel differently and relieved once he is out of it.
How have you worked it so he still sees the children? Are you okay with that and not too concerned? Does he have them overnight? So far my husband has only seen them (Detail removed by moderator) in about (Detail removed by moderator) weeks when I have taken them back to where we lived over (Detail removed by moderator) away and I’ve stayed with them so I can understand his anger directed at me in messages but I’m also nervous based on things he’s said to me – threats to me when I was there, threats around taking the children away from me as I was a bad mother and would bring them up badly or not as well as he would expect – completely untrue and I did 99% of everything. So I’m concerned certainly from the (Detail removed by moderator)year olds point of view he wouldn’t know what to even do from a prolonged period of time, he didn’t get up in the night or mornings or change nappies or give bottles unless I wasn’t there. I also have lifestyle concerns around drinking and I suspect drugs particularly now I have left him alone. So I have no idea how to proceed although I have no desire to stop him from seeing them completely. But I also worry he could try to get at me through them. I really don’t want to make anything official but I also can’t keep driving us back there and me having to wander around for the day with the baby strapped to me and an eagle eye on our toddler, I found it extremely upsetting and cried uncontrollably to myself the whole time. He insists he wouldn’t do anything and the threats were just hot air, heat of the moment, he’d had a drink. Even the 24-hours of phone message threats recently were around give me every other weekend with MY kids or I’ll ruin you and your family etc etc
It’s just horrible. But according to him and his family I should have stayed and I’m the bad person.
Xx
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Currently he picks up from school one day and has one weekend day, even that hurts.. feels like I’m being strangled each time I leave them there.
I can’t remember if I wrote this but on (Detail removed by moderator) he came back with poo in his shorts. He’d soiled himself and husband said he’d cleaned him but looks like he’d just removed his underwear. He’s living in our house so definitely has spare clothes. I’ve taken photos and written all down, just proves he can’t look after them.Itwillbeokay with the drinking and drugs concerns you definitely have reasons he may not be able to see the children. If I were you I would try and get started with a solicitor….I got one through women’s aid and they did a free consultation for me.
I’m seeing mine on (Detail removed by moderator) so many questions to ask.
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Do you drop off and pick up on the weekends then? So you see him then?
I feel sick with anxiety over making it all official (the seeing the children but I guess the behaviour too, I still struggle to call it abuse on certain days when I’m feeling wobbly), although I don’t know quite what he expects will happen. We’re on virtually zero contact at the moment due to his (probably) drunken horrible messages (Detail removed by moderator) and I was meant to take them to him (Detail removed by moderator) but haven’t arranged it so I feel now like I’m withholding them and something bad will happen. It’s starting to all really affect me now and I’ve booked a doctors appointment which isn’t for a couple of weeks. Still on a waiting list for counselling. I have read it’s very normal to go through a period of depression following a marriage breakdown in general let alone under these circumstances. I hope things get better quickly but from what I read and hear it doesn’t feel like it does.
🙁
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Just a thought about counselling.
At the time running up to (Detail removed by moderator) I used my counselling to explore what I thought would be the best arrangement going forward (Detail removed by moderator) with regard to frequency of contact and organisation of it.This stood me in good stead (Detail removed by moderator) because I could suggest a workable arrangement (Detail removed by moderator) but it was such a sensible arrangement he just showed his real self.
It was important for me to do this because in amongst all the emotional abuse I had kind of lost sight of my own needs and in the years that followed although contact still difficult, what I put in place has in the main provided protective boundaries around our new family. that is child and me.
Hope these thoughts might help going forward. Even if you don’t have counselling and are still on waiting list, you could chew this over with a friend maybe, to be really clear about what you think might work best for your new family.
Of course, alcohol and drugs on his part are something else.
all best
ftc
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Thank you, really appreciate any help or advice or thoughts.
My husband is still in our rented home for a couple more weeks and at that point I have no idea atall where he is planning on living or who with, location, suitability (unlikely), nothing. So it’s all completely unknown really as to what arrangement would be appropriate but overnight would not I don’t think, not yet, not with the threats he’s made to “get me back” and “ruin me” etc. Just makes me nervous even though he’s never done anything atall to our children, he was very calm with them although I did 95% of the childcare.
xx
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Itwillbeokay yes I’ve dropped them off and he has returned them home each of the (removed by moderator) days done so far. It seems to go fine on the surface but inside it rips me apart.
I’ve seen the solicitor (removed by moderator) and started process to file for divorce which was heartbreaking.
I know the ‘don’t believe it’s real or enough’ feeling but I’ve started trying to think of other things that are enough on their own. For you the drinking and possible drugs issue is enough to prevent him looking after the children and anyone will rule that.
My solicitor explained that during the mediation process if cafcass get involved they would be very concerned about certain things and I’m sure your husbands drinking would be a big red flag and harm his contact allowance.I urge you to have the strength to send the email you mention in your thread….it’s time and you need to be strong in this next step now for yourself and your children.
In terms of the down days have you found someone in real life to talk to? I have two amazing people who understand everything and don’t minimise or question anything. One lady has been through it herself and takes the hard line with me when I’m doubting myself and one man I work with has been with me from the start and builds me up when I start doubting myself. Feel free to pm me if you can’t find anyone in real life….especially if you have not been able to see a counsellor as I just think this talk is so vital to me. Thank you freedom and everyone else for your advice.Today is a slightly brighter day as I have had no contact, yesterday he sent me a message asking (removed by moderator)…..sounds so generous and kind hearted to most people, to me it’s just sick and so inappropriate.
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I’m so sorry. I know that when I start anything to do with divorce I will be very sad. I feel clueless about that too. When do you do it?! Can you just not bother for a while? Is there a reason to that will assist this horrible situation? I feel like I’m foundering in things I know nothing about as we all must.
I sent my email. (Removed by moderator). That was the only bit he acknowledged. I literally feel in a state of anxiety waiting to see how he will react to things I have to say but I’m slowly but surely getting stronger and more resolute in my faith that I’ve done the right thing whatever he says or thinks.
I have discovered an acquaintance has been through the same with some similarities to her life and we are in touch. And my family support is huge and strong and kind although I suspect my ruminating takes it’s toll sometimes. Difficult for them to hear and I don’t say the half of it as I think I’m blocking things out. Which is good. But also bad when it comes to remembering why I left and caused all these problems. I’m on the waiting list for counselling and will keep getting through each day hopefully becoming stronger but up and down right now like I’ve never been before.
My husband goes from reasonable to threatening I guess depending on his state of mind/time of day/drinking. Even now, as in life, I’m awaiting the next turn.
I’m dreading him having our children and negatively influencing them etc but I’m trying to be reasonable at the moment as he didn’t do anything to them.
It’s a hugely unsettling time but we do have a calm nice space we call our little home now. I can see that in the depths of my brain and hopefully one day my mind will allow thoughts like that to come out properly.
Much love. Thank you for the offer of a confidant. That’s very kind when you are struggling yourself x*x
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I’ve just reread your first post on this thread. Identical to my feelings about the child contact in that I have done it all including bedtimes teatimes nighttime’s morning times 95% of the childcare. But now he wants every other weekend etc etc. And we’re in this situation because of his appalling treatment of me that he minimises to nothing.
It’s really very difficult to cope with and my heart goes out to you. I will be seeing him with the children (removed by moderator) and the anxiety will build and build and build no doubt. I’m just trying to only communicate about the children and, currently, dismantling our old life.
How is it living with your parents, are they supportive? I was with mine for about (removed by moderator) but now in a flat nearby.
Xx
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I’m glad you have some support….it has been so vital for me to help remember the truth. Even with these people reminding me u still constantly think I’m being silly.
Living with my parents has been good….the kids are happy and their house is big enough for us all to live comfortably…they have been away for a couple of the weeks so we have also had a bit of space.
I’m just dreading going home now though, actually getting panicky feelings every time I drive past the house.
My parents are supportive but I don’t think they fully get what he has done which is hard as they think I’m being harsh sometimes??I have been kind of pushed into starting the divorce as husbands solicitor said if I don’t start they will and my solicitor said it’s best if I start it.
You don’t have to though but I think it’s such a massive step it’s an important start to breaking free??I’m so glad you sent the email. My hisband didn’t react at all to the solicitor letter I was dreading sending….just carried on as normal??
X*x -
Mine hasn’t reacted atall either. And behaves normally (when not under the influence of drink which is when horrible messages occur but that was like in life too) in that he responded to meeting with the children next week with a nice one, looking forward to it. It makes me feel weird as I know I will dread it more and more the closer it gets.
When do you think you’ll move back in? You’ll have to do lots of self care to you and your home to get it back into a nice mindset for you, I’d be planning some nice female touches everywhere. I know that’s minor with what we’re going through but I’ve done things in our flat that are for my self care and happiness like I bought all new bedding (I had to buy a new bed) and it was really brightly coloured and a bit female I guess probably. I’ve got all new happy pictures of family and children up etc.
X*x
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It’s so bizarre isn’t it?! I’m waiting for the drunk night from my husband, he doesn’t drink a lot but when he’s really drunk he can be hurtful.
Well he’s supposed to move out next week sonit should be soon. My parents have been excellent but it’s been a while with all 3 of us living there!!!
Definitely will be planning some new touches,really good idea to have a focus x*x -
We were 4 weeks in my parents spare bedrooms but I think they were keen to get somewhere organised for us so I wasn’t tempted to go back like I did previously.
Do you feel a bit stronger each day now you are taking action on some things? I think maybe I do. But I’m sure I’ll have steps backwards too and down days aswell for sure. I think I’ve literally shut my brain down when it comes to thinking about him, I just don’t allow myself, not the bad or the good. I don’t look at pictures or things that remind me, I don’t wear anything he bought me, my sister took away all wedding stuff, I don’t listen to music that reminds me, I just don’t allow thoughts of him. I don’t know if this is good or bad but I know I can’t let any sad thoughts in or rather thoughts of the good times or of missing him, that’s too dangerous for moving on.
I thought the choice of words was odd. Looking forward to it.
I find it strange how we’ve gone from being married and together (detail removed by moderator) and bring a pretty insular couple really – his choice, not mine – to now we are strangers really. I don’t think of him, well I shut those thoughts down as much and as quickly as I can, I know nothing about what he’s doing it how he’s spending his time, what his plans in life now are. All I know is his repeated behaviour towards me over a long period of time, I don’t even know how long as it’s all a middle of denial probably, has broken anything we had beyond any repair and I am numb to him. I’ll never understand it and I’ll always be sad that it wasn’t the happy family I’d wanted. But I’m going to start trying really really hard to look forward and not backwards questioning myself constantly because he minimises it. He knows why I’ve left really. I don’t need to keep trying to explain.
I’ve just downloaded a mindfulness app!
Much love x
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Hope you’re doing well Itwillbeokay?
Having a rough day….doubting everything again.
Saw his boxes packed when I picked up kids today and it broke my heart. I’m thinking of the happy memories and worrying bad things were not bad enough????
He’s sent me a (Detail removed by moderator) page note on watsapp I’m putting off reading as I think it’s designed to pull at my heartstrings??
He told my eldest today (Detail removed by moderator)
He said to my youngest in front of me (Detail removed by moderator)
Doesn’t matter how much I tell myself these are mind games I’m still in tears and considering going back -
I’m sorry, I’ve not logged on since I posted this afternoon.
How are you doing now?
I can’t really tell you what to do but I can say trust your gut feeling. That’s all I’m doing, it’s all I can do when faced with the niceness and normalness of this morning. What is your feeling inside? You know why you left. He knows why you left! Do you really think anything will be different if you go back? For any real length of time? I feel like I would always, and immediately, be waiting for the next episode. And that’s what’s stopping me returning. Oh, and my heart of stone I am cultivating. Any thoughts of him I am shutting down. I’m trying to limit contact as much as possible although I am weak really as I do fall for his requests for me to take the children and do this and do that but thoughts of missing him or the good times or returning or wondering how he’s doing moving out or where he’s planning to go, I shut down. It’s extremely hard and goes against every bone in my body but I’m trying as hard as I can. And I keep telling myself marriages end for a lot less. We tried. It didn’t work out. And I keep reading and reading and reading about it to gain strength.
I’m sending you a huge hug and some strength to keep going and keep looking forward to a happier life x*x
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