This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  EbonyRaven 2 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #84877
     Lovetravel 
    Participant

    Hi everyone. I’m new here having recently broke up with my ex due to an abusive relationship. I’ve joined this website to speak to others who have been in a similar situation as I’m trying to come to terms with what happened to me over the last few years and I’ve still not figured how to deal with all the emotions.
    Not really sure where to start with the whole thing but here goes.
    I’m not sure when the emotional abuse and manipulation started but the physical abuse started about 6 months into the relationship and after him sobering up and telling me he couldn’t remember and promising to never to it again I believed him and it was the start of many violent incidents over the next few years, each time me believing a promise that it would never happen again.
    The worst however, was when he started locking me up, this happened whenever things got heated and I was trying to get out the house, it still gives me nightmares even though we’re not even together anymore, I can’t even explain the horrible feelings that gave me.
    When I started trying to end things between us he kept telling me he would kill himself if I ended things, of course I never did because of that.
    I recently moved to a city at other end of the country from him temporarily for training for a new job. Throughout my training I started to realised how I had been treated was so wrong and I deserved better, towards the end of my training I finally had the courage to end things between us, he was still threatening to kill himself but thankfully it was just a threat and I feel horrible for not doing it in person but I was safe from violence.

    The following couple of weeks were very difficult but I have decided to stay in the city I done my training in and start a new life, I love my new home and job and I have amazing new friends who are so supportive.

    I am now dealing all the emotions after accepting what has happened to me wondering why I stayed with him for so long, any advice would be greatly accepted.
    Thank you to anyone who had taken the time to read my story

  • #84878
     AlwaysSorry 
    Participant

    Hi Lovetravel and welcome to the forum x

    I’m so glad to read that you found the strength to leave this very abusive relationship – and even more so to read that you did it from afar so you would be safe from him. You’ve done really well, it’s such a dangerous time when we leave, so please do not feel horrible for doing it from a distance. His actions and his behaviour meant that you could not have had an amicable civil breakup in person. And that is his fault – not yours.

    He has really tormented you, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You deserved none of it. Abuse escalates so the violence would not have shown itself in the beginning, it would only be tini tiny red flags that may have appeared in the beginning and then we find ourselves trapped later on. I can assure you the alcohol doesn’t mean he had no recollection of what he did to you that first time. He absolutely knew but it was much easier to blame something/someone else than face the consequence of his actions. It’s the same game he played when he threatened suicide – to get you to feel guilty, to blame you so that you would stay. And it kept escalating to imprisoning you in what should have been your safe space. It is no wonder the emotions may seem overwhelming at times.

    It sounds really good to build a new life and give yourself that fresh start away from him, but indeed the emotions after leaving an abuser are intense and perhaps also why you are up this time of night? The memories or nightmares keeping you awake? I woke up not long ago from a nightmare and came on my laptop to listen to some youtube relaxation videos and just saw you had posted and wanted to try and give you some advice on what could be helpful – apart from youtube mindfulness videos 🙂

    There are many “why” questions in our minds when we leave our abusers, but you shouldn’t be looking to place any blame on yourself for having stayed. Leaving is very dangerous and often it isn’t all bad, there are good times too, we might be trauma bonded and craving that nice guy we know they can pretend to be. He caused this – not you. The first book I read was one I had recommended to me on this forum. It’s called “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. I had a yellow highlighter in my hand while I read it and there is not a single page in that book where I haven’t highlighted something that described my ex to a T. And it helped me understand the “why’s”. I think there is a PDF version out there, otherwise it isn’t too dear on amazon.

    Have you thought about seeing your GP to talk about what happened to you? If you are struggling with nightmares or sleep in general after what he did to you, perhaps something to help you sleep might be useful. Therapy is also a great option for many, so perhaps that is something that could also be discussed with your GP?

    Aside from what GPs and friends and family and this forum can do for us, I also think we have to go through the grieving period, too and all the emotions that come with that. Sometimes, we just have to feel it in order to move forward. It is excruciating at times, but in time the intensity lessens and there are more good moments than bad moments. Sometimes we fall back into the pain and fear, but it passes. Minute by minute, it passes. One of the reasons I so often visit this forum is because the women here get it, they understand it and their advice have been invaluable to me which is why I am hoping it can be useful to you that I pass it on.

    Keep posting, you are not alone and know that it was never your fault and you have done nothing wrong x

  • #84879
     BeautyMarked 
    Participant

    Hi and welcome x

    AS has said it all and gives great advice.
    You have been through a horrific ordeal and you have been so incredibly strong and brave to break free. You have been subject to numerous and escalating cycles of abuse.
    The best thing is that you are away and processing. Even though you have already been through so much, the tragic thing about abuse is that it continues after we are ‘out of it’. The cruel thing of abuse is that it remains to some extent and we need a lot of help to fully come to terms.
    This forum is brilliant so it is good that you have found it. You will find so much understanding here. One of the difficult things is that people don’t always understand what we’ve been through or why it affects us after we are away.
    The Bancroft book is brilliant and it’s helpful to read and research as it will not only validate your experiences but it will give you knowledge and power.
    Seeing your GP and a good counsellor as well as making contact with your local Women’s centre can all help. The support is out there and often more if you look. Women’s Aid can help point you towards done of these.
    You’ve already made so many positive life changes and getting even more support around you, I’m sure will help you on your way to recovery. I hope that you can rest tonight and keep posting x

  • #84904
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    welcome to you we all share the same and similar experiences on here. so were with you in more ways than one. what you have described is the worst your physically and emotionally abused and then your basically held captive. for me this was the worst part off the abuse to not be able to get away from him when i needed to. its a huge violation. i was so traumatised at the time i was barely functioning and got out in a very sporadic and dangerous way. you sound like your very strong – youve kept yourself and got out the best way you can. we feel lots off emotions after leaving – anger – grief deep saddness- terror at times when we triggered but eventually we do move on and get better. talking on here about your feelings on here with women who understand will be a massive help in your recovery xxxx lots of love diymum

  • #85012
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Just wanted to say hello and acknowledge that you’ve done the best possible thing for yourself.

    You have the time and space now to allow yourself to work through the thoughts, feelings and emotions you had to keep in check for so long. It feels overwhelming at times, and we can also begin to think we must have been to blame in some way or to berate ourselves for staying or putting up with it.

    Be kind to yourself. We minimise their behaviour and are living within a fog so don’t see it clearly. There are many reasons we stayed as long as we did. Fear, Obligation, Guilt (F.O.G.), is something that has kept may survivors in relationships for longer than they later, with the benefit of a clear head, realise was healthy for them. Try not to beat yourself up about that.

    Stay safe and enjoy the new life you are building for yourself. Keep no contact with him and block him from everything. Phone, social media etc.

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