Just can’t do it, this is harder than I ever imagined

[searchingforhope]

I’m sorry I said anything about him assaulting me. Why was I stupid enough to think he would listen or understand?
He wants me to apologise for the accusation. But I genuinely feel I’m right. I did not consent. I was sleeping. I should have said no then rather than to go along with with, but it seemed easier to just go along with it than to say now.
He’s not living here right now, I foolishly thought when he left I’d the hardest part done. I didn’t.
My mind is racing. I’m full of doubt. I can’t do this anymore. I’m thinking will I just apologise and give in, just to brush this away from him abusing me over making false accusations now.
I feel so deflate almost defeated. He questions (detail removed by Moderator).
Am I that screwed up in my head that I’m not the person that I think I am and that he is right not me? I don’t know who to talk to anymore, I know I’ve people I can talk to , but what really is the point, as I still can’t find the strength to say its fully finished and I’m doubting myself now more than ever before. I’m crying typing this as REally don’t know where to turn, who can help me, when will I get to the other side of this, am I just torturing myself now? Why can’t I let go? Do I actually want this to work?
I can’t keep functioning this way. I know I will end up getting seriously ill, that worst part is I was starting to feel that I was gaining some strength, having some better days, but this just feels like im at the bottom of the pits again and I can’t see a way out.
Is it really only me that can help me? Why can’t I just do it then?

[Bananaboat]

Lovely, give yourself a break. Couple of things that stood out to me reading your post:

1. You know you were assaulted – The fact he disagrees is irrelevant- whether it’s what he sees an assault as being or not doesn’t matter – you felt it was one and you felt scared. Disagreeing with you and expecting you to remove the accusation and apologise are classic tactics, I had them but trust your gut, you know what you felt. Plus note he’s not trying to change or make things better for you, it’s all about him & his needs)

2. You’re not stupid – normal humans would want to discuss, listen and understand but that’s where we need to recognise these men aren’t wired that way. Trying to talk to them, get them to see your point of view is wasted effort. That hurts, but once you realise that, it helps with the journey.

3. If you apologise and let him back in don’t expect this is go away – it’s entirely your choice whether to keep trying with your partner, no one will judge you here, but do it with your eyes open. He will not forget this incident. He will use it against you. An apology does nothing to help you, it only allows him back in and with a new weapon to beat you with. Do you want to live like that?

4. You can’t let go for many complex reasons – these include trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance, chemical / hormonal addictions with the highs & lows. It’s normal but absolutely can be broken to allow you to leave.

5. Help – I know it feels really lonely at times on this journey, especially because people who haven’t experienced it just don’t get it. So what can you do? Educate yourself – read books recommended on here like Lundy Bancroft’s’why does he do that’ and Pat Craven, ‘living with the dominator’, watch Dr Ramani on YouTube, speak to WomansAid, reach out to your GP. It hard, but one step is one step further than yesterday. Allow yourself good and bad days.

I’ve used this so many times but it really resonates with me, ‘if you’re strong enough to survive in an abusive relationship then you’re more than strong enough to thrive outside of one’, you got this. xx

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for your time and thoughtful response. I really appreciate it. I need to try rest today I think. I’m exhausted mentally and physically from this all

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