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Hi
I was with my husband (detail removed by Moderator) years, married (detail removed by Moderator). We have a (detail removed by Moderator) aged child. He is suspected of being on the autistic spectrum but never diagnosed. He is very career and goal focused. I am not, I am (or was) more free spirited and spontaneous. Chalk and cheese, our differences should have been our strengths. They weren’t.
We were unhappy for a long time. Several years ago when our child was a baby he was working very long hours, away a lot, very very stressed on big and important projects at work. At home he was not great to be around, he would have “quiet seethes” where I wouldn’t feel I could approach him, would tiptoe around him. There would be angry and snappish behaviour. There would be black moods where he would need to be left completely alone. I walked on eggshells. He identified his anger issues and sought counselling. He then became slightly better but I suspect hid it better. He got focused on other things than work – solitary pursuits like (detail removed by Moderator) to the point of obsession. I became resentful. We never really argued frequently but we did argue. I felt I was becoming invisible. Our sex life stopped, he had a lower sex drive anyway and with a small child it wasn’t my highest priority. He took control of all finances and budgets. If I had opinions on things they were dismissed for doing things the way he wanted. So I stopped having opinions. He didn’t like how I hung out laundry so he took over and reminded me constantly how much he did. My health suffered. I was always tired, couldn’t get out of bed tired (but I did because I had work and my child), I suffered headaches and in the evenings my body temperature would plummet until I was freezing to the touch and I’d fall asleep instantly, almost like narcolepsy. The GP could never find any causes. My husband was seeking more and more solitary pursuits and working more and more, he never wanted to do things together. He was always contemptuous in how he spoke to me. I closed down more and more from him. He always disciplined our child like a Victorian father – over strict, over labouring the point and essentially “you will do as I say”. He left his job due to workplace bullying and went to work abroad. We were to join him. He told me our marriage was in trouble, he was dragging me through life. We started counselling via Skype. He was cold and robotic. I was given things to work on, which I did diligently. He told me I was wrong. I tried again with the feedback he gave me, still wasn’t what he wanted. I tried again. Still wrong
left after (detail removed by Moderator) because he didn’t get on with his boss and came back to the UK and took a job (detail removed by Moderator)hours away. Again, we were to join him. More doing what I was told to fix our marriage. Felt like I was going mad. Then he ended the marriage. I was devastated for our child but so relieved. I thought the separation and divorce would be hard but felt we’d both destroyed our marriage so we’re equally at fault. He attacked from day one. Bullying emails, oh so professionally worded. Confident I would do exactly as I was told. I didn’t. Since then he has accused me of parental alienation, despite agreeing all access dates for the year and letting our child stay (detail removed by Moderator) hours away for several days/week at a time. Our child won’t stay overnight at his parents home for several reasons and doesn’t want to go on one particular weekend trip. So he got angry, reduced his contact and withdrew a visit that they were excited about (since reinstated) on the (detail removed by Moderator) visit got angry they were nervous about (detail removed by Moderator)so he kicked (detail removed by Moderator) so hard (detail removed by Moderator)broke. On dropping home, emptied a bag of belongings on (detail removed by Moderator) floor without a word because he needed the bag.
I’ve since discovered he has a girlfriend from his time abroad, that is being kept quiet. I met her several times when we visited, had coffee, chatted on messenger. So confident was he that I was too stupid to know. Also, the anger management counselling? Actually was counselling for his porn addiction. That one shocked me the most but now a lot of behaviours make sense.
Since he left, my health is so much better. I feel lighter. My child loves him but doesn’t like him much right now. Doesn’t call him (or vice versa) but will text. Refers to him sometimes as an angry person or read his text in his voice/tone which is very angry sounding.
There are so many little things over the years, I just can’t explain it. A friend of mine survived extremely awful domestic violence. We reconnected when he left (she never liked him) after a lot of talking she felt I’ve suffered emotional abuse. I feel this is an extreme way to look at it and it’s disrespectful to real survivors.
I don’t know what to do. I have a solicitor now, I had to really. I talked about the controlling and bullying behaviours a little. I flinch when emails come in and dreaded mediation, which he’s since refused to continue – I was relieved.
I honestly feel I’m going a little mad. I don’t trust my judgement at all. In anything. I feel maybe I did cause all of this. If I try to fight everyone will realise what an awful person I am. I just don’t know what to do.
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Hey FR, welcome to the forum. Gosh it’s gone on for a long time hasn’t it. So you’re out and seperated but not divorced then yet yes. What you do is divorce him on grounds of his infidelity, you get as much out of the joint finances as possible for your’s and your son’s future. You process how you feel and the losses. You decide how you would like your life to be then you set about making that happen. Then you never look back x
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@fizzylem Yes, I’m away from him. It feels like he’s ever present though. It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) months now. Finances are tricky to resolve. He earns 10 times my salary but it is all allocated elsewhere. Mediation didn’t move forward and now he’s refusing it…well, it will take longer. I did go through the CSA for child maintenance as he said he couldn’t afford it and we couldn’t survive without it otherwise. They were great. I had to find us a flat, private renting, as the family home was a)being sold and b) I couldn’t live there. We were with my parents while he was abroad then functionally homeless. He didn’t agree with my rental costs. I didn’t expect him to or to contribute, so he’s forced me to turn to the state. But we have our own home which we love. Then he cancelled the house sale. Instead of waiting the 2 years for divorce he has now filed claiming my unreasonable behaviour, including an extravagant lifestyle (I shop in charity shops) this is because I once went over budget on our child’s birthday. My solicitor seems quite passive. Said to just agree the divorce, not the reasons. I think I will need a new solicitor as I agree I think it should be on grounds of his adultery.
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as i was reading i thought that there was someone else in the picture – this happened to me – he does sound like a n********t and he found a new supply you were then dropped. you didnt do any of this you tried so hard – what he was doing was making you jump through hoops for his own satisfaction. i have to say they do get worse once youve split – try to read the books we mention on her living with the dominator and why does he do that – why dad hurts mum will be of value to you i think. reading this material will show you (through the lens of an expert who has had many dealings with abusive men) that this is not your fault and you will 100% see this is not you causing this set of circumstances. the penny has to drop with this because it is very complex. as far as visitation id get something down on paper ie through a solicitor – it isnt easy when your dealing with a bully but cutting him out of your life as much as you can is the only way forward xx love diymum
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Hi there FR and welcome to the forum,
It’s good to see you posting, keep it up – it’s also very liberating to channel out inner frustrations 🙂
You have been abused, it’s so clear. You don’t need bruises to have been abused. What’s good is you are getting out. I agree with what has already been said, but as you are hinting I think you need to change solicitors and get someone who’s more of a bulldog to match your soon-to-be ex-bully-of-a-husband. He’s bullied you enough, sweetheart.
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Thank you. The more I think about it, the more little memories pop up and I think you’re right. With the divorce he’s gone on the attack and I just feel any response I have now discredits me and plays right into his hands but I also think he’s conditioned me to feel that way – that he’s right, I’m wrong – so I need to recognise that and work through it I think.
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He’s really trying to screw you over isn’t he. Shame on him not wanting to pay child support; this is evidence of the kind of man he is. He sounds like he can not be trusted to do the right at all – that he is trying to take as much as he can for his future with this new woman.
It makes no difference if his salary is 10x higher than yours (so clearly he can afford child support, these men who try everything to wriggle out of it are disgusting – whose responsibilty do they think it is?!), he has only been able to earn money because you have been the primary carer for your son, you were a team, you put your career and earning potential on hold because you were caring for your child/his child. He does not own more than you, or have a right to more, or to any of the wealth aquired during the marriage – it is shared 50/50. He however also needs to take into account that he must provide for his son, and if his son has autism and special needs, this won’t end at 18 – this will be indefinately. I would maybe try and get your son diagnosed.
I dont understand what he is playing at with the house sale – is he planning to move back in? I can’t hear any fight in you FR, if you cant do it for you then can you do it for your son? You’re going to need as much money as you can get because we can see he is not going give you any more than he has to in law. You seem to be in the mind set that the assets are mostly his when this is not true.
The marriage has ended because of his adultery – that is what ended it. Yes, I reckon try another solicitor. So sorry you are having to deal with this (detail removed by Moderator); it wears a person out hey x
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I’ve realised that reads wrong. My ex husband is suspected of being on the autistic spectrum. That’s what he always told me anyway. Although now I say it out loud I am actually questioning it. I’ve just accepted that as true, maybe it’s actually not?? For goodness sake, I’m questioning blooming everything!!!
You’re right. There isn’t much fight in me at the moment. I just feel flat. It’s strange, I used to be able to muster it. I need it back! Seeing my new solicitor next week, hopefully that will help too.
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If you cant agree on how to seprate the finances, do you know what happens? Does a Judge decide? Thinking why argue with him via the solictor and run up the solictors bill if you can instruct the solictor to get the Judge decide? Or is it not that simple?
If he wants a quick divorce then maybe he needs to accept your terms? And if not, maybe just let it run it’s course, using the solictor as little as possible, getting the Judge to rule? xx
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In my experience unless you’re prepared to fight hard, he will leave you with nothing. Work out what the law says you’re entitled to. Stick to this and if he won’t agree then the court should side with you and you can also ask the court for him to pay your legal fees if he has been unreasonable in not accepting your offer. Your solicitor means that fighting over the reasons the marriage ended will cost money and nobody sees the divorce papers at the end of the day. Getting divorced and getting this matter sorted and him out your life is a much better battle to fight. My ex ended up divorcing me after I told my solicitor I wanted to divorce him, he wouldn’t agree to finances, waited two years then petitioned me for divorce. At the time I was angry with my solicitor but now I’m relieved he did this as it gave me the opportunity to move forward. My ex committed adultery too. He didn’t care. If you want to hold out on principle and get your side on the divorce petition you can do that. Agree to the divorce but add a passage that says he is an adulterer but for the sake of getting rid of him you will agree to his terms. That’s a better compromise than lengthy court battle and expenses and the trauma dealing with him brings x
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Lol I know that feeling only too well – wish it most days! Brilliant, sounds like you can use the adultery as something he thinks he wins – great – so he has to agree to something else which will be more important to you.
I can hear your fight now FR! Booking a new solicitor and going next week! You’re taking action! You just need to find some fight some of the days – relax and take care of you and your child on the others.
Don’t know if this helps, but I went to mediation and we were seen in seperate rooms, the mediator shuffled bewteen us, it takes a bit longer obs, but I could not face him, my anxiety was through the roof just knowing he was in the same building, which isnt conducive to sound thinking which is required for session. I arrived before him and left after. He only did one session as well, then ended it when he discovered the cost. He needs someone to make the costs clear to him hey, to avoid the solictors fees as these will be much higher – especially if it takes a while to agree x
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