Just found out my friend is pregnant

[SunshineRainflower]

I was doing better today, have been working towards my self employment goals and got a load of work done I’d been putting off for ages. Was looking forward to a cosy evening doing my favourite hobby which is related to the self employment and it inspires me hugely.

Then I had a chat with one of my few remaining trusted friends and found out that she is pregnant, which completely took me off guard and really threw me, even though I am happy for her, and she deserves it completely.

This friend is a truly good person and we have been friends for years, I trust her and she is very kind and supportive and I feel lucky to have her as a friend. But I also find it hard because unlike me, she is so stable and her life seems to be working out so well, which is wonderful, but also seems to make my situation feel more painful.

Like she has a lovely, responsible, attractive, supportive, loyal husband who she was friends with first. She has a good job and stable career, her own property and now a baby on the way. How I feel is not that I wish she didn’t have those things at all, I’m really glad she does as it gives me some hope and faith in the world, it’s just that I don’t have any of them, and would love just one of them. I hope that doesn’t make me sound terribly selfish and mean.

I do work hard on practicing gratitude and try not to be all ‘woe is me’ all the time. I have a wonderful amazing cat, live in a part of the world close to beautiful countryside which I love, am working towards my dream of self employment in a field I love, and feel I know myself better after years of difficulties with jobs, friendships and men. But I am also single, with few good friends, come from an abusive family, have no job, have recently escaped an abusive relationship, and have no children and am not super young any more if I want to have them, which I do.

All of these difficulties seem to have made it very hard for me to build a life for myself, so it’s very painful when I see others building good stable lives without any of the same difficulties? It’s like I struggle to get even my foot on the first rung of the ladder (ie. a good man or a decent job) while they have been at the top of the ladder for years with little problem?

This is hard, it has helped me to share it on here. I want to be kind and supportive to her but I think I’m going to find it hard to hide my pain. I also know it drives us further apart as I can relate less and less to her life. It makes me feel very left behind, floundering. Sometimes life just feels endlesslessly cruel. Thank you for listening.

[Mixedup]

I’d just like to say that I think you sound like a wonderful friend, you are aware of how you are feeling, and don’t want that to effect your friendship and I think because of that, it won’t. I think its brilliant that your fearful of that because it makes you hyperaware of any ways in which you may potentially harm your friendship.
The best thing to remember is that we never know what is going on Behring closed doors, so whilst you feel this envy? How do you know that your friend does not feel the same thing?
She may wish she had a super cat? Or that she was single, which isn’t to say that she doesn’t love her husband, but things are different now.
Talk to your friend, it may be that she is feeling the same things that you are, and your both such close friends that you just don’t realise it and are too scared to say it.
Sorry for rambling. Hope a little of what I said made sense and helped.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you Mixedup. I have had a good cry and realised what I am feeling is grief. I’m mourning all these things I thought would be in my life by now and just aren’t. Realising that my ex was cheating on me, was abusive and dangerous was just the worst pain because I’d already met loads of awful men before him and thought my luck had finally changed, I couldn’t believe he was not only another bad egg but the worst of the lot! I am good when friends are struggling as I can relate to their pain and can help but I find it hard if things are going amazingly well for them because sadly I can’t relate, so many things have gone wrong for me over the past (detail removed by moderator) years.

Instead of trying to push it down I just bawled my eyes out and let it all come up and said out loud that I wanted a job, a partner and a family and that I’m heartbroken and unhappy about my life, and instantly felt relief to just say it out loud!

This friend is quite private and reserved and I feel like I’d make her feel uncomfortable if I told her how I feel, so I’m not sure that I can, I don’t want her to feel guilty for being pregnant at all, I very much want her to enjoy the experience and not be worrying about how it makes me feel.

That’s very true about behind closed doors thing, I always assume all couples I see are happy, when the sad fact is many are not. It’s not that I want couples to be unhappy at all, I would just love to find a good partner too. I guess I want everyone to be happy and loved, myself included, idealistic I know but that’s how I am.

Hopefully I don’t sound super whiny and self pitying. It’s good to be able to just admit this stuff rather than pretending to be happy for everyone else all the time, which is exhausting when inside I feel devastated and in pain.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

To some it extent it always hurt when we see our friends having the perfect life and perfect partners, see this as part of your journey as u rediscover yourself , u say u are recently self employed, use this time to be single to focus on u and what u like .My brother recently got engaged and they are perfect couple , so loved up and have respect for each another, am overjoy for him, yes it does highlight that i am only sibling without a partner, but u know what i just love my space and time and want to be the best version of me , when the time is right if it is meant to be someone will come into our lives

[Pondlife]

Like mixed up said you are a great friend, and very self aware

Its totally normal to feel jealous and to mourn all those things you mentionned. It doesnt mean you arent happy for your friend or any of those things you fear.

I feel pangs all the time when I look at some of my friends and their partners. Supporting each other, respecting each other, being there for each other. I am delighted for them of course. Its right that these lovely people have good partners and heartening that relationships can be so healthy. Thats why its so hard. We all want that stuff.

I dont know if you need to tell your friend how you feel, thats up to you. The main thing is being kind and honest and aware with yourself, and you already are doing that- you should be so proud of yourself

x*x

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