21st June 2016 at 9:46 am #19699AnonymousInactive
I do not doubt that I am in an abusive relationship, but I do doubt the severity of what he is doing. I know this support forum is to get advise and just to talk to people. I have no one to talk to at home or in my family and would just like to get one event of my chest as it has been haunting me since it happened.
a Few months ago I suffered from excruciating pain in my stomach, it was extremely bad and I never felt anything like it before. I also vomited a lot. I dont have a medical aid and had to pay cash to see a doctor. The doctor did a physical on me, took a pregnancy test and everything to try and see what is wrong. When he couldnt pick anything up, he said I might have an infection in my ovaries and he needs to do a vaginal test. To me it seemed normal, to my fiance it didnt. He feels that I couldve asked for a woman to access me (the only woman working there was the admin lady) or I couldve asked him to come into the room before the doctor does the test, or he feels I couldve gone for a scan to see what is wrong (i dont have medical aid and we do not have the money to pay for a scan). I told him that I needed to know what was wrong and that is why I allowed the doctor to do the test. It turned out I had an infection and it is spreading to my stomach as well.
When we got home, I took the medication and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up with him pushing me off the couch, telling me that he cant believe I would let a doctor inspect me and how could I allow it. He then left me alone a few minutes and told me to go take a bath and relax. When I got into the bath he started hitting me, in my stomach where it hurt the most. He also tried drowning me and kept on hitting me. I cant remember everything that happened, but I was in a lot of pain and he wouldnt stop hitting me. He even kicked me in my stomach and said he hopes the infection gets worse and kills me. a Few years ago he made me get a vaginal ring, said he liked it and that if I love him I would get one. Every time we fight he would rip of my clothes and try and rip out the ring, telling me that he would mess me up so no one would ever want me. This specific night he kept on trying to rip it out, sticking his finger in me and scratching me saying he hopes the infection gets worse as he still cannot believe I let a doctor touch me. The story goes on and on as the abuse didnt end until about midnight that night that I finally couldnt take the pain anymore and passed out.
This story is really hard for me to share as I feel that I might have been wrong letting the doctor do a physical, but is it really that bad of me wanting to know what is wrong and knowing I cant afford any other tests. Was it my fault that he abused me. Should I not have done the tests?
What makes me really sad is that I was in terrible pain, I was vomiting and passing out and he tried making it worse, tried hurting me more.
Until this day, he daily tells me that he cant trust me and fights with me because he feels I betrayed him and he feels he should leave me because of it (which I was happy about, but he never did leave me)
21st June 2016 at 10:47 am #19701LisaMain Moderator
Firstly, it is not your fault that he CHOSE to abuse you. You were in need of medical attention and nobody should fault you for that.
In that situation your partner should be looking after you and supporting you, and wouldn’t care if you were examined by a male or a female doctor.
I am really concerned about the severity of the sexual assault you suffered, please do continue to post on the forum and seek out support where you can.
21st June 2016 at 10:50 am #19702KIP.Participant
How horrific for you. There is no excuse for abuse. He just wanted to hurt and abuse you and used that as an excuse. They always change the goal posts. If it wasn’t the doctor incident he would have found something else. Sad, sick people. You could be the most perfect wife and he would still find something to abuse you about and make you carry the guilt so he doesn’t have to. It’s all mind games. Brain washing. A normal caring partner would be loving and concerned for your wellbeing. Not assault you and wish you dead. You need to contact your local women’s aid or equivalent. Abuse always gets worse over the years. Absolutely none of this is your fault. He chooses to behave in this cruel controlling illegal way. His threats to you are not hollow because he does it in secret. Showing his cowardly self to other stronger people or authorities is a totally different matter x
21st June 2016 at 12:20 pm #19713AnonymousInactive
Thank you Lisa and Kip for your support.
I still feel that it might have been my fault, if i just thought about the situation and not allowed the doctor to examine me, we wouldnt have had the fight about it. I do feel bad about it, because he told me that he spoke to his family and my family and according to him everyone agrees that what i did was wrong, that the doctor never shouldve touched me and they feel I might as well have cheated on him, not sure if it is true though. Not sure if what I feel is normal.
I do agree that abuse gets worse over time. In the beginning he used to feel bad about what he did and he cried and said sorry and said he would change. The abuse escalated now and now he doesnt even mention it, and when he does, he says it is my own fault. That i seek it out and get a thrill from it. At this point of my life, I am just very confused and not sure what to do. I feel that I want to stay with him, but cant live with him anymore. Sometimes I wish someone will just force me to pack my bags and leave and never return
21st June 2016 at 12:36 pm #19714HealthyarchiveBlocked
Dear woman in need, your post made me feel really sad, it is horrible & really abusive. He should not kick you and try to drown you which could also be classed as attempted murder😲. I don’t think it’s a big deal being examined by a male, I have had examinations by men before, a woman is preferable but it’s not always possible, as in your case. He has extreme jealousy issues. Please take care,even better, get out.
21st June 2016 at 1:00 pm #19716AnonymousInactive
Thank you for all the support Healthyarchive. I would have preferred a woman as well and it was my first physical exam ever so I didnt know what to expect and was very uncomfortable, but unfortunately a woman wasnt available. He just made me feel so guilty and made me feel like I did the wrong thing
21st June 2016 at 1:41 pm #19730AyannaParticipant
Omg, that is so extremely cruel. Why did you get an infection there? Did he give that infection to you? What kind of infection was that?
I need to tell you here that you need more investigations, even if that happened some time ago.
Why do you not have any health insurance? You live in the UK? Then it is very difficult NOT to have any health insurance with the NHS.
Do not mention this to him in any way!
Could you ring any helpline yet?
Please keep posting!
21st June 2016 at 3:05 pm #19735AnonymousInactive
The doctor said it was a general infection, something ladies unfortunately get. So i never even questioned it. I am too scared to go for further investigations, after what he did to me on my previous check up. I unfortunately do not have my own transport, he is my transport and he forces me to email him from my works email every hour to ensure he knows I am at work (we both lost our job at the previous company a while ago due to his misbehavior and luckily for me the company I work for now, he couldnt get a job at, so atleast he isnt working with me anymore), so I cant even go during working hours.
I do not live in the UK. My country unfortunately do not have support forums, that is why I joined this one and I am very glad I did. Everyone is so supportive. In my country if you cannot afford medical insurance, you have to use state provided medical which is not effective at all and quite dangerous.
21st June 2016 at 3:28 pm #19737lover of no contactParticipant
So glad you are reaching out for support. It is very hard to leave an abusive relationship on our own, we need the support of others and as you say you have no family/friend support network. Please keep posting and getting it off your chest. It helps each one of us too because we can identify. We help each other by posting and reading the posts.
Your reaction, when being subjected to horrific abuse (as your abuser did to you) is to blame yourself. I did that too (and he did too). If I didn’t do a,b,c,d, he wouldn’t have to get mad. I was like Mother Teresa I was so good, but he still found reasons to abuse me.
As long as we blame ourselves for the abuse we remain stuck. You will move from blaming yourself to seeing abuse is never your fault, if you keep getting support from this forum. My thinking was distorted by the abuse, the abuser and being reared by an abusive mum. My thinking had to change which it did and I eventually was able to leave my abusive relationship. You will too. Keep posting.
22nd June 2016 at 6:13 am #19791AnonymousInactive
Morning Lover of no contact
I am really glad you got out, no woman deserves to be mistreated, even in the slightest way. I know deep down it is wrong for blaming myself, but I just feel so numb and sometimes feel that I deserve it. His criticism isnt helping much either. He always tells me I have a bad attitude and its my fault as I push his buttons, but reading everyone’s posts it seems that all of them do. I also tried not saying anything in an argument and just agreeing to what he says so he doesnt get abusive, but that backfired as well.
Thank you for the support xox
21st June 2016 at 6:48 pm #19754AyannaParticipant
Hi, is there any possibility to find out which organisation in your country helps abused women? Nowadays every country has feminists who fight for women’s rights. You might just not have seen that information yet.
There must be a way out.
You know, he is not almighty. He is just a sick human.
What if you tell your family? What would really happen?
Is there anyone at work who could help?
22nd June 2016 at 6:21 am #19793AnonymousInactive
We do have support groups for women, and I have reached out to a few of them. The problem is that they expect me to get to them on my own, saying they cant help me in any other way. If he finds out I am leaving, all hell will be loose and I cant ask my family as if they let something slip, he will find out about it. They do not have support forums where you can speak to other women that will support you.
I prefer not to talk to my family. When we lost our jobs, he started working for my dad. If I mention something to my dad, I know he will confront him and then he wouldnt even hesitate hurting my dad. He tells me everyday how he hates my dad and how he wishes he could just hit him to get rid of the rage. I have begged him to look for another job, that too will help me to be able to move on, but he just refuses. With regards to my mom and my sister, I love them to bits, but they love sharing everything with the world, I know if I tell them, it would only be a few hours and then everyone will know about it.
I have only worked for the company for (detail removed by Moderator) months, so I feel having to ask them to help me, might ruin their perspective of me.
I know he is not indestructible and that there is a way out, I am just trying to think of a way it wont involve my family and that they would be out of his reach. I also do have mixed feelings about going. Not too sure how to handle it
21st June 2016 at 9:04 pm #19774Bridget Jones Is FreeParticipant
He tried to drown you….
I am shocked! One of the ladies said it, it’s attempted murder! Can you report this to the police? You need to leave this man! When I read all that he did and said to you…you are not safe…your self doubt makes you unsafe, run!!!!!
22nd June 2016 at 6:23 am #19794AnonymousInactive
Morning Bridget Jones
Unfortunately I have to have evidence to be able to report him, otherwise they would just throw my case out, and that I have none off.
Thank you for the support
22nd June 2016 at 4:39 am #19788SerenityParticipant
He sounds sick. Please find a way of leaving him.
We as victims end up blaming ourselves, but we must remember that their behaviour is abnormal.
22nd June 2016 at 6:25 am #19795AnonymousInactive
Thank you Serenity.
I know is behavior is abnormal, but I do struggle to process what has been happening to me. Sometimes I do want to get out and other days I wish to stay. I am trying to work through it and really appreciate the support I am getting from everyone
22nd June 2016 at 6:43 am #19798HealthyarchiveBlocked
Dear Womaninneed, Trauma Bonding and Gaslighting make us feel very confused, that we cannot think and feel properly or realistically and that we love and miss and NEED them. There is a lot of information on both of these behaviours, I will send you a link later today. The book 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships talks about Gaslighting and the film Gaslight which you can order from Amazon focuses on this form of manipulation to the innocent by her devious partner. Trauma Bonding makes it so difficult to get out of the relationship, you feel deep love for your partner even if you have broken away. It takes time and help, but it is possible, i have found if you have a determination inside that the relationship is JUST NOT RIGHT then you can get through it, but it is not easy. I decided that my relationship had no future and ended it, since then I have missed him severely pined, yearned, cried, wrote letters pleading (never posted) and each and every day has been spent in a cess pit of pain and agony. But i’m free of him physically, he was like yours but without the hitting. XXXXXXXXXXX
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