Just grappling with stuff ( ramblings)

[Anonymous]

I really can’t stop thoughts of me being mentally unstable , “ wrong in head” as he’d say or manipulative as called. Thing is .. more I read on traits of abusers I see him but I see me.
I see me giving him cold shoulder and upset by him and too scared to tell him so it just festers and he doesn’t know why I am.

I see me then suddenly not being able to keep quiet and disagreeing with him and then an argument happens and I’ve “goaded him” and sometimes I have said truthful hurts. He responds how he knows how as he’s not been shown good example of husband and dad.

Then I try and suck up to keep peace at times so am I then hoovering him up?

I too may be seen as moving goal posts because at times I gain confidence to tell him no to certain things that disgust me but other times I’m too tired or can’t face the pressure.

I know this is a pointless post
I’m not even thinking I doubt what he’s done is wrong right now. In fact I know how he’s behaved is entirely wrong.That I cannot deny.. but I can’t grasp it being a deliberate pattern I’m starting to think it is me pushing him into it all after all he’s nearly two decades older and had never had “ these issues as he has with me” …

people do yes break up for a range of things .. however it seems he won’t go and even with my letter and physically being gone for a bit there is no “ out” without me involving anyone.

I can see this.. because I don’t believe I could just go now. I held hope In head like I had that as option once I gained strength.

So involving someone could escalate to having to then explain to police
My head runs away with me I hear horror stories and all such and have had a past experience not to mention the small “ everyone knows everyone “ with our local team.

If I was ever asked about things I would do exactly like I did the night they arrested him years ago and keep on telling them how he did nothing it was all because I was tired and cross etc but they still took him and I can only imagine that was due to my appearance .
I promised I’d never put him through that night when he was taken again.

I’m rambling now.
Sorry

[fizzylem]

Hey chick, good to hear from you.

Behaviour breeds behaviour, there is not one of us on here that can say hand on heart I always behaved with my integrity in tact and with respect, because we didn’t, there were times when we slung it straight back, however, for me, once I got out it was only a matter of weeks before I started to behave more like me again, once I’d got my head space back, I could think again, think how do I want to respond. You kind of end up communicating in the same way as he does out of sheer desperation and tiredness.

When you are in it, you so are worn out, beaten, exhausted and in the head wreck, you sometimes react, and sometimes this will be in the same way he does; thing is, this isn’t really who you are, this is not your true self, this is just who you are after years of abuse, this happens when you stop feeling frustrated and trying to communicate, and you move into feeling hopeless and like you’ve given up, you become like the bear with a saw head yourself sometimes and unable to say and act how you reaally want to; he simply doesnt allow you to be you does he, you’ve spent years of being blocked and put down, ignored or worse.

If you were not in a relationship with him or experiencing abuse – you wouldn’t be like this; you’d be you and just fine.

I felt like I was going mad, but for me this was the straw that broke the camels back, as I just couldnt be around him also feeling like I was cracking up, I felt too scared and vulnerable as I knew this made me an easy target and wide open for abuse, and I knew I wouldnt be able to take it – I found this stage terrifying tbh, so I threw him out, luckily, it was my house so I could.

Your mental health is suffering A, this is a normal human response to abuse – typical and expected. He will try and use this against you yes, because that is what we have learnt hey, he exploits our vulnerabilities and this is one of them. It is ok for you to feel this way, you are only vulnerable whilst you don’t act / do nothing, as soon as you take steps to get help this changes that – because you are being responsible and doing what is needed to feel better – making sound choices.

You feel like I’m going mad, him – yes you are mad, he tries to affirm this as being wrong, leaves you feeling frozen and not knowing what to do, best to do nothing. I must be mad, he sees it too. If you were experiencing kindness, compassion and support, this person would not say or do this, this person would help you to see it as a temporary difficulty, typical in your situation, would help you to work out why you feel this way and what needs to happen together to change it; would hold you, support you, help you get past it, stablise.

Women have metal health difficulties and still care for children everywhere; but yes, its important to be mindful he will try and use this against you, but the way to deal with it is in a responsible way and get help. You could go to a charity for counselling if you don’t want it on your medical record, but then if you later need this as evidence, say to show you did access help, were responsible, you can choose to present this info. There is no way he or anyone can ever get access to this info – unless you present it, and all it will say is how many sessions you had and when and that is it.

I wouldn’t concern yourself with this too much for now A, refuge can help you to work out what you need to do and when, for now, ideally what you need is head space, care for you and your girls in a safe place and that is it – you dont have to report him to the police, it would help your case if you could in time, but for now you don’t need to think about that, you can decide later, qnd this will be completely your choice.

So you really dont need to involve anyone really, except for your local WA charity to get you into a refuge – just this one support worker can be involved for now and that is it.

Come on hun, you can do this x

[Anonymous]

Thank you fizzylem for your reply..

I do hope that this version of me is not a true me cus I’m not liking this very much st all – I’ve let myself go too which I know makes me still a target for his comments but I’ve given up making an effort cus then it hurts more when I get the criticisms. Mentally though I can’t afford to let go any more I’m awaiting the depression anxiety service appointment and have in past completed cbt but it never truly helped because I never explained anything of home life other than my depression was hurting my marriage I never explained any more ands was scared of saying the truth.

I think I need to separate refuge and women’s aid from police as in my head they’re linked ( I know not but it’s that fear of a referral being made to protect me and children etc)

And as I read that I know how ridiculous I sound because if it’s to protect then it’s good but in my head it’s not so clear cut but then maybe as has been said on here before I’m not quite seeing it then for what it is

I’m going to try so hard in my head to act so kindly and to know then categorically I’ve not caused any incident if one happens this weekend or next or whenever but like you say I’m communicating with him how he does to me lately ..
I’ve managed to line up out of area place to house sit for a month in holidays. A friend .. I need to make sure I don’t tell him or ask him as last summer I wasn’t allowed to understandably as it’s a long time . But I’m holding to that as something if I don’t take a jump and brave the first steps of involving someone external to advise and help

[fizzylem]

Hey A, this is great news, will give you the head space you need; please take steps to protect yourself and make sure he does not find out this address.

The therapy and meds don’t help that much because the ’cause’ is the abuse and you are still experiencing this – so nothing changes does it. Although the meds will be helping to numb your feelings as we’ve discussed before, no point coming off them really until you are out and you and life feel good again – it will be at that time they won’t be needed.

Same for the therapy really, therapy works on the principle that if the person takes responsiblity for their thoughts and feelings – they will find a solution to the difficulty by mentally re framing what is occurring – and thus make the adjustment needed. Therapy helps us to look at the situation differently, as quite often it is because we are stuck in our thinking that we need this type of help.

Whereas you are experiencing anxiety and depression and this is a normal human response to abuse and expected. I hope the therapist will see this, do try to be open and honest, he/she may be able to hold your hand and help you to feel strong enough to act and change things x

[Anonymous]

Ahh that makes sense as to why it has always in last x amount of years drawn to the same dead end ( therapy wise) .. i share my thoughts but they’re not mine they’re what I’ve heard and to give my husband a break a lot of them are my mumM – we address my mum etc And whole past and I exclude all parts that embarrassing

I’m enjoying the freedom (detail removed by moderator) of knowing he’s out for a bit .. it’s an exciting thing when me n girls just “be” … and that is actually making me realise more so I’ll keep writing so that if I look back again.. like a positive rather than all my written notes of horror..

He unfortunately does know of a vague address of possibility but given the huge city I refer to … he doesn’t know in terms of area but not exactly ( i used to live there but before I ever knew him so he knows of brief remarks ) it’s a world away from the sticks here and it’s my (detail removed by moderator) so I’m comfortable knowing little things like buses etc .. i feel a strange lady fantasising over getting a bus with kids!!! I’m not able to here.. or allowed..
I hope my words aren’t just words !!!

[fizzylem]

Look how excited you are about doing normal things with the girls, you dream A, it’s good to dream, helps us to work out how we’d like things to be, its lovely to read as well, I wish it for you too. It’s going to be a great wee, er no hang on, big holiday! Gawd you’ll actually be able to relax and have some fun xx

[Anonymous]

Ah thank you FL … I dream hey ,. I’m desperate to keep hold of my “ plan “ again!! And it’s something to work towards I guess?!

( thank you for replying to me I do appreciate the encouragement…) xx

[Author]

Posts