Just had a message from abusive former friend

[Copperflame]

It has been some weeks now since I cut contact with the friend who was emotionally abusing me. The last message she sent me was very abusive and at that point I blocked her.

I’m still feeling raw after the way she treated me – in fact I feel worse than I did when I left my ex to go to a refuge. Some of her abuse was quite subtle. I’ve been re-reading a book (detail removed by moderator), which I bought when I was with my ex. All the manipulative tactics that he used, she used too.

I decided to write her a letter – a letter I wouldn’t send but where I wanted to put my thoughts down on paper. As I was writing I remembered more and more abusive incidents, including disparaging comments she posted about me on social media. I ended up writing several pages and have been contemplating sending the letter to her.

I thought I’d blocked her by all electronic means but now she’s sent me a text saying she misses me and my emotions are in turmoil. Although I was aware that every time I saw her I came away feeling negative and drained, it took me a while for me to realise that the way she was treating me was emotional abuse. I stopped contact but it is still sinking in just how awful she was towards me. I can’t go into detail on here because it could be identifying, but there were some specific incidences which affected me very badly and nearly damaged my fragile self confidence which I have worked hard to rebuild.

Then all of a sudden I get this text and now I feel guilty. She says she misses me, but I can’t go back to that I really can’t. I have had two abusive relationships with men, the second of which I fled to come to refuge, which was the best thing I ever did. The last thing I ever expected was for a female friend to abuse me as well.

I feel guilty and completely churned up now 🙁

[SunshineRainflower]

I also had an abusive friend in the past, who was absolutely awful to me and said some really creepy scary weird things, then did the whole ‘I’m so sorry, I was suffering from anxiety at the time’ texts. I forgave her and after a period of her being ‘nice’ again she got even more weird and scary. I stopped returning her calls and she emailed, texted and rang me for (detail removed by moderaor) afterwards despite me ignoring every single attempt at contact! They are just like the abusive men, sinister characters who are charming and fun at first but ultimately not right in the head and extremely manipulative and they hoover you if you try to end the friendship.

I recommend that you keep this woman blocked, definitely keep no contact and concentrate on your healing, it sounds like she is bad news. A good friend wouldn’t treat you like this and make you feel guilty for setting boundaries. Since my ex I’ve always stopped and questioned myself whenever I am feeling guilty because 9 times out of 10 it means there is an abuser in my life causing it.

[KIP.]

I think these people just keep fishing for victims. She’s trying to hook you back in because she sees you as weak and wants to use you to improve her own self esteem by belittling and destroying yours. Do not even respond. You’ve had a lucky escape. Don’t waste your feelings on her. These people are incabable of feelings of guilt. Don’t even read anything that she sends just keep blocking or change your number. Save your energy for your own recovery x

[Copperflame]

Thank you ladies,

I thought I’d blocked her number from sms messages but I hadn’t done it properly. I haven’t replied to her text but she is holding us BOTH responsible for what’s happened, eg we were both stressed etc.

SunshineRainflower I totally get what you mean about the guilt. Feeling guilty was a factor that kept me in my last abusive relationship for way too long. I felt terribly guilty about hurting him if I left!

Even now with this friend, the abuse still hasn’t fully sunk in but I’m paying heed to my own feelings and how awful I felt with her.

It was stuff like she would say things but when I challenged her about them she denied saying them! Sounds familiar? Denying, minimising, lying…she did them all.

I would never dream of putting disparaging comments or sly digs on Facebook no matter how upset I was with the other person but she did it to me when we were still friends.

[Tiffany]

Block block block block block! Although it isn’t always easy. I responded to my ex’s last email to me. I told him, for the first and I should hope last time that I thought he had been abusive and that if he wanted to ever have a good relationship he might want to look at his own behaviour instead of blaming his partner and circumstances. He actually replied calmly with an email saying that he had taken what I had said on board and that he would never contact me again. So far so good on that promise and it had been a while, but honestly it didn’t make me feel better. I thought it would be a relief to finally say it to him, but it wasn’t. It made me feel rubbish and another time I would leave it for his remaining friends and family to say it. As an abuse victim it’s best to stay out of it I think. It’s just too triggering to have any kind of contact if you can avoid it.

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