Just had an incident

[Sad and alone]

Tried to get a live chat but couldn’t find it.
(detail removed by Moderator) He says I pushed him to do it by getting in his face after we had a disagreement. He demonstrated what he said I did and it’s not true, although I was close to him I wasn’t (detail removed by Moderator).
Started where something happened due to him doing something (detail removed by Moderator), and him accusing me of causing it (detail removed by Moderator). Then (detail removed by Moderator) something of mine and that was my fault because I’d put it there. I am so sick of taking the blame for everything. He could just say it was his fault, which it was, but everything is twisted round to it being my fault. When he said I was in his face I was saying (as I usually do) sorry and that it was all my fault. Albeit I was angry about the whole thing. He says all this horrible stuff to me like I’m the worst wife ever and I need to change. I am so tired.
I drove out (detail removed by Moderator) and he’s calling me straight away asking me to come home and resolve things and I’m like, there’s nothing to resolve. I’m sick of it. I’m not allowed to leave or something. He says he will go and work (detail removed by Moderator) and leave me alone. I don’t know what the point is. I don’t know what to do. This man doesn’t love me and I don’t know why we’re still together. I could be happy in another life, it’s just getting there. I don’t know where to start. He hasn’t laid hands on me in ages and I always think next time he does that’s it. I said I should call the police and he said go ahead and how everyone hates him and he has to fight against everyone. (detail removed by Moderator) he had an unprovoked altercation with someone who was trying to incite a reaction and he didn’t touch him. But it’s okay to lay hands on your own wife? Because it’s safe?
I don’t know what to do. I’m just sat in the car crying.

[Marmalade]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please get some help. This man sounds dangerous. I would advise contacting the police. If you don’t want to do that, then do you have the number of your local DA agency?
Livechat link is on the main Womens Aid page. Please see if you can get some advice on services in your area.
Also consider whether you should go home or is there somewhere else you can stay whilst you think things over? (detail removed by Moderator) is very serious. Your safety needs to be paramount. Good luck.

[Sad and alone]

I came back home. He says he’s not doing anything around (detail removed by Moderator), he’s had enough, he’s not appreciated. He says (detail removed by Moderator) I don’t know what we’re doing. He apologised for throwing me around but I told him I didn’t want an apology, it shouldn’t happen in the first place.
I hate the feeling where you want to rewind time and change what happened to cause the argument. I’ve really tried to ignore sarky comments and the moaning but I think it all builds up on me and I end up getting mad. Then he says it’s me causing the trouble as I shouted or allegedly got in his face. I hate being this person, I feel like I lose control of who I am. I’m genuinely a laid back person and will take things as they come but I feel goaded into being angry and am then told it’s my fault. Each thing that happens we have different versions. I don’t make things up but he makes think maybe I did do or say something wrong and that I’m the unreasonable one.
(detail removed by Moderator) I don’t know what that means as I don’t want to spend my life with someone when we obviously don’t really like each other any more. And I don’t want to risk one day getting seriously hurt. We don’t have a physical relationship. And tbh I don’t want one. I don’t want to be with someone that I don’t trust. Or thinks of me the way he does.
I just don’t know how to go about leaving. I don’t know whether to say about it and try and have a normal conversation as I imagine he may get irate and nasty instead of just seeing it as it is and trying to work things out so it’s best for both of us. He says (detail removed by Moderator) but I can’t have that as an excuse to stay when the relationship is bad.

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely. He knows what he’s done and he won’t change. You can’t have a sensible or reasonable conversation with him and absolutely nothing will ever be his fault. Reading your posts it was so familiar, and already your cognitive dissonance is kicking in saying ‘oh it wasn’t that bad, I wish I could undo what caused it etc’ With all that in mind you can’t talk to him about leaving, it feels wrong to plan to leave without telling him but it’s what you have to do. Once you’re ready or close to leaving them tell him, if you say anything now he’ll either become extremely nasty (and he’s already physically harmed you) or he’ll become mister dreamy to hook you into staying, and probably both and all extremes inbetween.
It’s so hard when we’re living it but what advice would you be giving to a friend or daughter. If safe to do so maybe give yourself space tonight, keep your phone with you and please call the police if anything happens xx

[Sad and alone]

Why is it that we want to almost defend them when someone else says something about them?! Like you don’t want anything else to think bad of them? I told a friend we weren’t getting on (not about the DV) and as soon as she starts saying what I’m thinking I feel weird about it. You’re right, if it was a friend or relative of mine I’d be saying what the hell are you still doing there? This person has no love for you treating you that way. Regardless of whether they feel you’ve wound them up. He could control himself with someone else, who’d be liable to press charges, but can’t stop himself launching at me? I’m not blameless, but the way I act is often as a result of the way he treats me. Which is the same as what he says about me. But the difference is I don’t know what I do that’s so bad. He keeps telling me to change and I say what is so bad about me that I need to change? Sometimes I ask him things and he can’t give me a specific answer. It’s “things” or “this and that”. It’s rubbish. And then he blames me and says our relationship makes him depressed.
I hate it when I look back over so many years and can see this behaviour going on for so long. It’s not constant, but there are times that certain things happened that weren’t acceptable. And I’d tell anyone else to leave. But when you been together a long long time it’s like you’re not just going to be leaving that person but leaving your whole life. And that everything that’s gone before has been a waste of life.
He says to me that if I left and found someone else I’d prob end up living in a council house somewhere, that no one else is like him or would do for me what he does. I don’t even want to be with anyone else. I just want to be alone.

[Lisa]

Hi Sad and alone,

I am so sorry to hear about what has happened, it sounds very frightening and distressing for you.

Here is the Live Chat link in case you are able to safely chat when they are open tomorrow 8am-6pm or over the weekend 10am-6pm. The Support Workers will be able to talk things through with you and explore your options based on your circumstances. I am also going to send you a private message.

Take care,

Lisa

[minimeerkat]

the saddest thing here is that your partner was physically abusive & there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for what he did – you are allowed an opinion, allowed to speak your mind, allowed to stand up for yourself when necessary. nothing, nothing you did can ever excuse how he abused you
the trouble is when you have been with someone for decades you end up brainwashed into believing their lies that you are always, always the one to blame – especially for all of their abusive behaviour
there are some who are always right, never to blame, never ever take responsibility & are never accountable – it will always always be someone elses fault
its important to bear in mind that this incident could possibly show him exactly how much he can get away with due to his complete lack of respect so please keep yourself safe x

[Sad and alone]

That is it minimeerkat, when you’ve been together such a long time you get conditioned. When I look back now I can see his controlling behaviour but at the time you don’t think anything of it as it’s small everyday stuff. Then it gets more and more noticeable as the years roll on. I can’t stand it that after this happened it was all about how he was suffering and it was all my fault. I drove him to it and it’s not who he is, he’s not a violent person.
Now we’ve fallen into some sort of limbo. I don’t know the next steps to take to leaving which I’m going to pursue looking into. Just this morning he said what are we doing (as we’re kind of pootling along doing stuff for the future) and how there’s no point if things aren’t going to last. How I need to change and if I change I’ll see a change in him and if I stop doing things that I do (which could be anything on any day) things will get better. I just kept quiet because I don’t think I can say I want to end it all. If I do it’ll just incite another massive row and I can’t deal with it. Once I have an idea about what and how I need to do things I’m hoping it’ll be better and I can maybe move forwards. His answer is always I need to change. It’s like he thinks I’m desperate to stay. I can’t see a physical relationship between us again. There is no relationship. He agreed to this yet still talks about the future. It doesn’t add up. He says he doesn’t give up on things but I don’t want to stay like this for the rest of my life.

[minimeerkat]

bless your heart, everything you are feeling is completely understandable
it must be hell hearing someone continually pointing the finger in your direction & saying you are always to blame, that you are the one who needs to change. so please try as hard as you can to believe in yourself & refuse to take any more of the blame no matter how convincing he may seem
always amazes me how they are abusive & at fault but they immediately turn it all around & are then the victim – how infuriating & frustrating for us to hear when we know the truth of what really happened
ive experienced the blame, for everything & anything – even stuff i had absolutely nothing to do with at all. and for me, eventually all the blame, their abuse, their lack of respect, my frustration, my resentment etc resulted in me not wanting that person anywhere near me. their behaviour towards us can completely destroy any love & respect we have for them
you must deal with things in your way, in your own time & in the safest way possible. but always remember your local da service is there if you felt you needed their support at all, even if its just to hear a kind, caring & understanding voice x

[Sad and alone]

I’ve told him this. The way he acts towards me means I don’t want anything to do with him, certainly not in a physical way. I say doesn’t he get it? Calling people names, saying they’re stupid, moaning at them all the time… why would that make me want to be nice to him in any way? It means I dislike him. But he says he says these things because they are true so I need to change. If I change I’ll see a change in him. I don’t think I’m a terrible person. I said what is so bad about me? I’ve always been faithful, I don’t buy loads of stuff, I don’t go out all the time, I cook and clean. I never ask for anything. A long time ago he stopped giving me presents for birthdays or Christmas etc. He said he thought I acted the way I did because he’d spoilt me. I’m not in the least materialistic but always thought a little something is a sign that someone thinks of you. I still get him something because I can’t help myself. I fool myself into thinking things are normal? I don’t know if he finally felt bad as last year he said he felt bad at not getting me anything and to pick something I’d like up to the value of x!! I just said don’t worry about it. I don’t know if this was because things had got a little better between us in the run up to Christmas. I thought we might actually be getting somewhere. But then we cycled round again. Should’ve know I guess.
He says you don’t know how good you’ve got it until it’s gone. On the surface I have a life lots of people would dream of and he is the perfect husband in respect of he works hard and does lots of things to keep the place running. It’s prob why it’s hard for me to make a move as I will lose it all. But I care more about that than him and that says it all really. I can’t care about someone that is capable of hurting me.

[minimeerkat]

so basically his love for you is conditional – you must become who he wants you to be
i was in a very similar position in a way, with someone who did so much. felt so lucky in this respect. felt id lose other things in my life i loved if i didnt continue the relationship – terrified to be honest due to my dependence upon him
its like you try so hard to keep tolerating certain treatment because of all the other good stuff, but your body can actually end up telling you when you just cannot do it anymore – the deterioration of both my physical & mental health
living life this way causes an overproduction of stress hormones in our bodies that eventually do us harm, so as impossible as it may be for you at the moment try to keep yourself as calm as you can, doing the little things that bring you peace & happiness xx

[Sad and alone]

I don’t know how to respond to him really. If he starts saying things and I don’t say anything he says I’m ignoring him and if I try and stand up for myself it leads to an argument. I feel like I’m living in his world, not the real world, and I am expected to be who he wants me to be. I get held up against people we know, or even people on tv, people he wants me to be like. But everything’s a contradiction. He’ll say he admires so and so who has a large family, kids and a job etc, and I’ll say I’d like a job and then I get told I have responsibilities here and it’d be too much for me. When I did have a job he controlled the hours I worked and said I had to come home for our pet. That he earns all the money and can’t take time off. How many people in this world have pets and manage a job too!! In the end he stopped me taking another job and I haven’t worked for years. I miss that outlet, seeing people. If I show an inkling of being able to deal with things by myself he hates it. Maybe because it’s evidence that I don’t need him to survive. Sometimes it’s something really ridiculous and I say I can manage things without you you know. But he likes to do everything I think as it’s something else he can say he does “for me”.

[Sad and alone]

Feeling apprehensive now.
We have problems with people who live nearby. There are a lot of horrible people in our area. A main accusation I have made against me is that I don’t stick up to people that try and hurt us, I leave it all to him, I’m just a mouse and no one even knows I exist. As he has said I should I had the chance to confront someone that walked past our place and (detail removed by moderator). Whether genuine or not they did say sorry. He then came down and this person said (detail removed by moderator). Now he’s turned on me saying everyone likes me and hates him. How it’s because he’s (detail removed by moderator). He has been right in speaking to these people. I’m not keen on confrontation so have relied on him to speak up for us. He then says this shows I don’t care. He keeps saying I say I don’t care about anything and it’s not true. He’s always putting words in my mouth and trying to convince me I said them. He says all the problems he has externally stem from problems he has internally. I don’t know what else to do!
I can feel the anger building up on me again. I don’t want to react but I don’t know how else to deal with it other than say yes you’re right. I’m worried about it kicking off again.

[Author]

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