Just.. how I’m feeling

[PurpleCloud]

Hi everyone, I haven’t been on here for a while again. I feel I start every sentence on here with that! You know, I always feel guilty after posting on here, because I never know when I’m next going to have the energy to come back. Sometimes, everything’s just a bit much, you know? But every time I write on here, and every single time I read your responses and read everybody else’s topics and thoughts, it makes me think and I feel a lot more positive. This site is amazing. I just wanted to post how I’m feeling today. I’ve been working from home a little, just.. because. He’s been good, I’ve been happy, and then today it came crashing down again. I shouldn’t be shocked. He got home, he was mad as he’s had a busy day, but hey, I’ve been “on the sofa all day with a laptop doing nothing important”. My job involves big meaningful decisions, and I don’t need his approval for that, but I must admit, it upset me when he said that. He said I had been lazy, bearing in mind every second I had in between work I was doing laundry, preparing dinner, and just generally cleaning my home. I love my home, I take great care of it and I love seeing my little accessories all clean and tidy around the house. He gets home, makes a mess, and complains nothings done. It’s a bit of a kick in the teeth. Anyway, it sounds like I’m down playing this and if I’m honest tonight was utter hell again. After weeks of him being fine, tonight was the worst. He wasn’t physical, just verbal, and this sounds terrible but this is the first time I can remember that he hasn’t physically hurt me. With the mean words though I kind of wished he’d had left that all out and just hurt me instead. That sounds awful, but I haven’t got enough brain space for the horrible words, it’s all a bit too loud. I decided to get away from it and I sat in the garden. It was thundering and lightening, and it made me reflect. It’s a warm night because the weathers been amazing. So as I was sat there I thought, I used to hate the rain and the dark, and here I am, sat in my garden with the rain covering my entire self, in the dark. I wasn’t bothered, and I wasn’t scared. I’ve learned to love the rain, and I didn’t understand why until now. For one, the rains outside and when I’m outside I feel a bit more free and relaxed, and secondly? When I really thought about it, I thought.. when it rains, and storms, there’s always sun afterwards. Whether that be hours after, days, weeks, months. The sun always comes. And it made me think. My life is a bit rainy and stormy at the minute, but I know the sun has to come. It just has too right? I don’t see it at the moment. And I’m going to be honest and say I’m a bit scared. I don’t know if anyone’s realised but I’m quite young, I’m an adult obviously but I’m young, and I never imagined my life would be like this. I’m independent in many areas, I have my own home, a great career, friends family. Everythings how I want it accept I have a very big cloud over me, and I know if I had the strength I could move the cloud, but at the moment I just don’t, and it’s silly because I know if the cloud was gone, if he was gone, I would be just fine. I hope everyone understands my silly metaphors it’s just sometimes that helps me explain things. I hope you are all okay, and I want you to know I do think about you all, all of the time.
PurpleCloud

[Better-days]

Hi purpleccloud you sound like a very independent young woman. I just want to give u a little bit of advice based on my own situation I was once when I was younger with someone who controlled my whole life I was terrified of him his gran actually said when he flips I worry he could kill you. I got out I opened up to a friend and there was no going back it was the best best decision. My new partner is more verbally Abusive the problem I have now is we have a son together and I feel I have no strength like I did before. I don’t know if u have children. If you can open up It’s the hardest thing you will do but the best. X*x

[Better-days]

Sorry the last post at the end wasn’t so clear I mean if you can open up to someone it was hard decision but for the best a big cloud will be lifted x

[Watersprite]

Purplecloud – you may be young but you are brave and wise. One day YOU will take your power – like a mistral wind that blows the clouds away so you can live free from abuse and drama in a calm home. It’s not easy but it’s got to be better. Do so safely Please reach out for support women’s aid your GP a safe friend here

[iliketea]

@purplecloud you’re back, here, I’ve worried about you. Have you thought about what’s stopping you? Do you love this person? Do you feel you deserve this treatment in some way? Can you maybe speak to someone? A counsellor, your GP, women’s Aid? Look you’re young, as you say but I can tell you’re wise. Please see that physical violence is wrong. Please. What is the block that is stopping you from seeing that? For not wanting it to stop? Or are you scared of him? Of what might happen?
Keep posting, let’s explore this together, we’re all here to help. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. I just got out but I’m old, and wish I’d done it a long time ago. Please @purplecloud.. talk? What’s the block? What’s stopping you from ending it? You could have sunshine every day and predict your own rainy days not wait for someone else to make them. X*x

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you WaterSprite, I appreciate your response and guidance. You’re right. You’re so right. I like tea, this might sound silly but I did think about your handle name throughout the whole time of not coming on here. And I worried that you’d worry, and you did, and it’s because you care. We, care, everyone on here does. I like tea I badly want to answer all of those questions but (detail removed by moderator) has been an absolute horror story. (detail removed by moderator), getting ready for work (working from home) I was wiping the (detail removed by moderator) as I always like to do a “quick freshen up”. He said he was going to work. I’m still numb from the other day so I smiled and said have a nice day. He asked for a kiss and I nervously said “okay quickly bby because I have my online meeting in 5 and still cleaning the (detail removed by moderator)”. He flipped. He absolutely flipped. He immediately screamed, smashed some of my things up, and he’s beat me again. But he didn’t stop beating me, my rib cage hurts when I breathe in and out, and he slapped me so hard on the face the whole of one side is just red and burning. My arm has bruised already and so has my legs. I kept saying sorry and that I was bad and I should have not been Mardy and just kissed him when he asked. I was begging him to stop, he honestly beat me with full force (detail removed by moderator). I am in a lot of pain with my ribs. He said so many mean things but I was hurting I couldn’t hear. I’m currently working from home on my laptop. I made it for my meeting online just 10 minutes after it happened. It’s just voice controlled and no camera so I pretended I was happy, my manager was happy with my input in the meeting and everyone said I’m always so cheery in the mornings. I was just sat there thinking. I’ve just been beat, and now I’m at my laptop giving advice and guidance, and I really don’t know how I’m doing this. I’m sat here now with my laptop, and I’m crying my eyes out because I don’t know what hurts more. Before he left he said I deserved it, and that I made him do it and my job is so easy all I have to do now is open my laptop while he has to drive to work and cry and stress about what I just made him do. I said sorry again and he cuddled me and said it’s okay. Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I feel really sick, and I’m going to carry on working because I have too, and I know I’ve got this because I always do manage I love work. But my head actually physically hurts from what just happened and my ribs are in so much pain. He beat me so hard like never before and he didn’t stop even when I couldn’t get up. I’m sorry this is graphic. I’m trying to remain level headed. I keep breathing slowly through my nose and then mouth, and it stops me from crying. I’m scared for him to come home. He’s text me telling me it’s going to take us a while to get over what happened and telling me I can’t hold this against him or tell anybody. I’m just not feeling very well And I just want to speak to somebody but not somebody who will report anything because I can’t do that, I’m not ready I just need to speak to someone about how I’m feeling

[iliketea]

@PurpleCloud, sorry, I’ve only just seen your reply. This is so terrible what you’re going through. You’re amazing I want you to remember that. You are incredibly strong, remember that too. You’ve been posting for a long time now. Is it getting better or worse would you say? This latest incident, to me, and I’m a complete outsider stranger, it seems like its much worse. Escalating. It sounds as if you have a loving and supportive family. I am 100% sure they will be there for you. Your brother sounds lovely. A dream board is a great idea. It’s these things, these small but powerful things that will help you, help you see the outside world and see you in it. This life you’re in now, it isn’t a life, it is an existence, and you are SO much better than just existing. I can see from all your posts, you have a big heart, you have hopes and dreams, this man doesn’t. He’s with you because you are amazing, and because he is not, he can’t be, look what he’s doing. If that was happening to one of your siblings, to your brother, what would you think? What would you say? Think of the situation like that. Think of it like its happening to someone else. @PurpleCloud, keep talking, can you message Lisa above, or the Womens Aid Chat? Can you take photos of your injuries, just take them for now, so you have them, email them to yourself, file them away, just so you have them, for another day, another time. And can you do this every time? Can you keep a diary of events? At the end of each day, send yourself a quick email, with a couple of lines, of the things that have happened. Just file them away, one day, they might be useful to you.
I’m thinking of you, and I’m willing you out of this, keep posting, ask questions, what questions do you want to ask? There are so many helpful amazing women here, we’ll all help you. I promise. You can do this, your career will be fine, you will be fine, you will sky rocket I can see that, if you are succeeding in the way you are right now, imagine how life would be without this frightening, scary, angry, violent secret life you have. x*x

[Lifebegins]

Hi Purplecloud, You could perhaps talk to the Samaritans Or Womens Aid if you don’t want to report this awful abuse. But you do need proper help to get out of this situation, it is terrible and dangerous. We were posting on the same weekend not long ago so I wondered what had happened with you.

I finally called the police that weekend after many years of abuse. It was a really really hard thing to do so I know how you’re feeling and a few days before I did it, I never thought I would. I’d never spoken to anyone about it. But I wish now I’d done it a long time ago. I finally understood that I needed help to make it stop just as you do now. The police have been marvellous and I’ve had so much support.

You need to think of yourself now not what will happen to him. You are in danger. You need help. It’s either speak to the police or get help to leave from Womens Aid or family/friends. This is not going to get better. From what you say, it’s getting worse. What is it that’s stopping you? If you know or think you know, then perhaps the women on this forum can help. Don’t be afraid to say, there is no reason that is not valid.

Re: your injuries, can you get a doctor to check you over? You might need treatment. I am worried about you xx

[PurpleCloud]

Hi LifeBegins. We were posting the same weekend, I’m so happy you called the police and are moving forward. I actually felt happy for a second then reading that, knowing we are all doing this. You’re amazing. Please keep posting too, it makes me so happy to hear the positives and fills me with hope. I know I’m not at that stage yet but I’m talking more again on here and with my brother, which is helping. I’m so happy to hear the police were great. I don’t actually know what it is that’s stopping me from leaving, I ask myself this question constantly. I think I feel he will change and get better, and I worry if he meets someone new and he’s great with them that it was me all along. That sounds stupid but I’m being honest. I worry that if I call the police, or try to leave that he will hurt me. He told me (detail removed by moderator) if I try and tell anybody he’ll make sure I can never tell anybody again. And he said he didn’t need to explain what that means. He said his Dad would help him. I worry that the police also won’t believe me also, that again, sounds silly, but that’s how I feel. It was only (detail removed by moderator) he told his Dad that he couldn’t focus at work because of me and my bad behaviours (he works with his Dad) and his dad told him I was no good for him and “not the one”. That same evening we had dinner at his mum and dads, his family are always great towards me, but his dads behaviour is just like his. I adore his mum with every inch of me and just wished she’d see too. I don’t think he’s abusing her in the sense of verbal/ physical, but he is controlling her. She’s from another country and he met her and moved her here. She still struggles to speak English and has no friends. His dad likes it like that. But me, on the outside looking In, I see what’s going on. His Dad doesn’t like that I’m independent, have friends, family, a career. I think he wants him to meet a woman similar to his mum, someone who makes his food everyday and does nothing but do things for him. I’m sorry, but that will never be me.
Going back to why I won’t leave, I don’t know. I know if I picked up my phone now and spoke to my family they’d have me out of this place immediately. But I worry I will miss him. My biggest worry, and I’m being very honest now.. is that if we broke up, if I left, I’d be left with my own thoughts and trauma, whereas now because I’m still in the situation, I don’t really have to reflect because I’m still living it and new things happen all the time. Does this make sense? I’ve never really liked change, and when change happens I love it, but it’s the transition. I also live away from my parents so I worry where I would live and my career is here. I have the savings I’ve been saving for a long time so I’m okay in the sense for now. I worry I’m making the wrong decision by leaving, even though I know with me being here it’s not the right one either. I’ve never admitted this in my life, and it takes a lot for me to say this now, but I’m lost. I don’t feel like me, I’m very unhappy, and I have no energy with this. I told my brother last night I was very unhappy. He told me he wants me to message him every day now. I also for the first time ever told him about this women’s aid forum and told him I write. He said he’s happy to know I’m doing this, and wants me to do it more often and read it back. He also said I should make a dream board, and my idea of a good relationship. I have the support, I just don’t let people in enough to support. I have (detail removed by moderator) older siblings and they’re my best friends. I worry if I tell them too much they’ll be mad and upset. They have a right to be, but I don’t want to hurt them. My mum and dad are separated but I have amazing relationships with both of them. Again, I just can’t tell them. Sometimes I sit and stare at my phone wanting too but I can’t. He broke my phone not so long ago (it’s insured so I have a new one now) but I can never let go of my phone because I’m worried he’ll do it again. I don’t even go to the toilet without my phone and bank card. I just don’t feel safe without them

[Lifebegins]

Hi Purplecloud

Your reasons are valid- they are your reasons. And I shared a lot of them.

You say: ‘It will get better.’ It won’t. It may get better for a while then boom when he decides, it’s back to the bad times.

You say ‘He’ll go off and be happy with someone else and prove it was you that made him unhappy.’ No he’ll go off and make someone else’s life a misery. The problem is with him not you.

You find change hard. Yes it’s definitely tough making change and it will be a rollercoaster but it’s also liberating and feels good not having to spend every waking moment worrying and feeling awful and having to focus on him instead of your needs and having to revolve everything around him.

I think you are saying ‘when you’re in it you don’t have to face it and think about the trauma.’ Yes that was true for me too but once i came to the realisation that I was being abused, I couldn’t unrealise it- I did a lot of reading on the subject and about n**********c behaviour and knew that this was never going to end unless I ended it.

You think you could be making the wrong decision by leaving. Me too until it became the only decision I could make for my safety.

Your lost. You don’t have any energy or feel like yourself. I’d be willing to bet every survivor who gets out feels like this when they’re in it. I certainly did. And I’m only just getting glimpses of the old me but I know I’ll get there.

I couldn’t speak to my family either. I only did 4 days after I called the police. They were shocked at the level of abuse but they didn’t like him or his manner so weren’t that surprised. They’ve been amazing.

So you see your reasons are very much the reasons that we stay in these abusive relationships. But you can overcome them.

The thing that stands out for me is the threat from him if you leave. When, and I say when, as believe you will leave, you need to do so as safely as possible. There are other women on this forum who have a lot more experience than I about that. But I’m glad I got the police involved as it added a whole other level of safe guarding at the most dangerous point.

Thinking of you xx

[Lisa]

Hi Purple Cloud,

I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this and I’m really glad you’re posting; you shouldn’t have to be feeling so isolated with everything. I’m glad to see you’ve had some really supportive replies, but please do feel free to private message me if you need any further support. If you’re still struggling to breath please do call for an ambulance if you need. Would it be safe for you to take photos of the bruises just in case you needed this as evidence in the future? Or could you find a walk in GP to go to just to check you over?

If you haven’t done so already you might want to contact your local domestic abuse service/ local Women’s Aid group (depending on where you are in the country); they often have access to support groups and/ or specialist domestic abuse counselling you might be able to access. No one will make you leave if you’re not ready, but it sounds like his abuse towards you has had a massive impact on your confidence and sense of self which is completely understandable, so maybe some counselling would help with this.

As the others have said there is absolutely no excuse for his abuse towards you. There’s nothing you could do or say differently that would stop him from doing this; because he’s abusive. He would be the same regardless of who he was with. You could be the most ‘perfect’ housewife in the world and he would still find something to pick at; an excuse for his abuse towards you.

You absolutely will have some options here if and when you are ready. That might be refuge, injunctions, accessing legal advice, the police… but you can only do this when you are ready. In the meantime just try to keep the situation as calm for yourself as possible.

The Live Chat is closed for the day now, but this will be open again tomorrow 10am-4pm so just keep that in mind if you feel able to speak to a Women’s Aid support worker.

Please do keep posting, and as I said please feel free to private message me if you need.

Take care,

Lisa

[Watersprite]

Purplecloud – in my experience men like this never change and my ex got worse over the years. I’m so sorry you are going through this! It is normal to have worries that you won’t be ok and won’t manage I thought the same it’s what they tell you but I’m out and it’s not easy but there is life beyond and you are young and have an amazing future ahead of you. Keep reaching out to get the support you need – services will help keep you safe if they know what you are dealing with and you will be believed. His behaviour is really worrying – please take support

[Camel]

Hi PurpleCloud

I hope you’re still coming to the forum, even if you don’t feel strong enough to post.

What you are going through daily is truly appalling. And frankly, terrifying. There’s something buried in your second post, a reference to being silenced, that is extremely worrying. It sounds like a threat to kill. Am I right? Is this what he said you’d understand? He’s already proven himself to be dangerous so I don’t think you should minimise the threat. Have you told your brother everything? Have you worked out a rescue plan with him for next time you get a beating? Because there will be a next time.

In the meantime please make an appointment to see a GP. My sister was badly beaten by her partner and it was 3 weeks before she was rushed off to hospital with a collapsed lung. She’d been going about her business normally and only went to the doctor on a friend’s insistence. Your GP would be a good person to be frank with – without the need to make an official report. Even though you don’t want to leave right now, there will probably come the time when you will. So it’s important to get any physical injuries documented. You can do this without your partner knowing.

It sounds like you have a lovely family who would be devastated to hear what you’re going through. It could be a misplaced sense of shame, a fear of disappointing them, that is stopping you making that phone call. Or perhaps you fear they’ll make you leave when you don’t feel ready to. If you can’t make the call, ask your brother to tell them. You need a strong support network but no one can help you if they’re kept in the dark.

Does your employer offer access to any support? Mine has a helpline for everything from finances to substance abuse. It’s confidential and free and I know I’m probably in a fortunate minority. At the very least you should let your manager or HR know that you are dealing with domestic issues but feel unable to go into details. You can talk to them then about help with relocating. Though you’ve already proved that you can do your job remotely and competently so I imagine it will be less of an obstacle than you think.

You are thoughtful, intelligent and caring but have had every bit of confidence and self-belief literally kicked out of you. You can’t trust your thoughts and feelings right now. Please don’t minimise the horror of your situation and the real threat of escalating violence. Plan for when it happens again. Worry about the other issues when you’re safe.

[Hazydayz]

Hi Purplecloud. I’m so sorry to read what your going through. I know what it feels like to feel stuck in a terrorised situation, like yours. I can completely relate to having third party involvement from the father! It is exactly the same for me! But unfortunately it is my (removed by moderator)! But, reading what you wrote was as if I had written it myself! My husband is also exactly like his father! The only difference is that now my (removed by moderator) is dead. She had a very similar life to mine, that was obvious to me in the days, weeks, months, years, that I witnessed their interactions. Subtle clues, but very obvious looking back now. My husband had already told me about life in that house! when he was growing up. But he doesn’t or won’t see that he turned out like his father! Worst of all, his father backs his corner! Putting his woman hateing points of view into my husband’s ears over the phone, when we’re having very unresolvable issues. I’ve heard his fathers voice on the phone, warn him… she’ll be on to the police, so watch yourself! Obviously, he doesn’t think I can hear him! And, knows the behaviour wouldn’t go down well if police are called. Worrying isn’t it! But these men we are involved with, are exactly like their fathers! They grew up learning from Dad! How to be abusers! My father in law incidentally, never has been natural around me? He gives me the impression…he feels intimidated by my once upon a time, long gone now! confident, outgoing, talk to anyone, big personality! He likes to be centre stage! The crazy thing is he never left the village he grew up in? And lives such an insular life? My husband got out he said! When he met me and moved into my home & life! In the big town beyond his village life living with mum and dad. Don’t get me wrong…it’s not village life that’s the problem! Its, his dad’s abuse & then & now my husbands! It doesn’t help that his father and mother, both! Abused my husband, throughout his childhood and adulthood with physical, mental and emotional abuse. That now have affected me too! Good luck to you, but please get out! Safely! But quickly! Before you are broken! Like me! Almost a decade later. 💞

[Author]

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