Just keeps getting worse

[Mellowyellow]

Everyday there’s more and more issues arising in our relationship. I do more things ‘wrong’ that creates an atmosphere. He’s so critical of me. I’m not giving the baby enough variety of foods, I’ve not cleaned her high chair well enough, I’ve left streaks when I mopped the floor, I must ring out the mop enough so it doesn’t do that. He found lots of dust on her cot and I got told off. I said please can you nor tell me off like a child, just say oh I cleaned her cot? Or something. I don’t even know how normal people talk in a relationship now. Is that harsh of him or am I sensitive?
He keeps saying I’m too sensitive, I need to not take these things he says to heart!
I told him he must bath her and feed her as I needed a rest on two separate occasions. He never does either! He complied but then moaned he was tired. He only did one on each occasion so when he’d fed her I had to bath her whole he cleaned up. Probably because it’s the easier task.
He isn’t wanting me to work and that really worries me as I’ll have to ask him for money and won’t be able to do what I want as I can now.
Earlier he asked me to go out or rather told me as he said he’d say something he’d regret. He is angry and doesn’t want my mum at the wedding as she isn’t well and is having a breakdown. Pretty much cos of the stress of our relationship but he doesn’t know I moan about him to her.

Sorry I’ve gone on x

[godschild]

I afraid it wont get better and he has no rights to say he doesn’t want your mom at the wedding because she is unwell what sort of person would say that.
She must be worried sick about you marrying him.
Saying you are too sensitive is classical ive had that for years just to excuse their calous behaviour towards you, he is trying to control you in everything you do, it will get worse.
I really would seriously consider calling the wedding ff, he will make yours and your childs life a misery, take it form me decades of it ive had and it does not get better you will be signing up for a life of misery he will damage you more and more and it will affect your relationship with your child , you have a chance to get out now, do consider it x*x

[Anonymous]

Hey Mellowyellow
Idk if this will help but I’d like to remind you what you already know – babies need love, play/attention and a happy mum, that’s all. Streaky floors, dusty cots, similar foods, none of those things are going to matter to them.
Happy mums need love and play/attention too. I’m happy cos I have gorgeous kids and a job. My first job when my son was a baby did no more than pay his childcare fees and my travel costs, but it got him out making friends (he’s the most wonderful, social, compassionate young man now) and it got me out making friends and career (both of which have looked after me better than any man!). So work, please work.
I’m not happy that I married my abuser. I thought it would make things better for us, it didn’t – it couldn’t. It did tie me legally to a man who’s hurt me – in the same ‘little’ ways you’re being hurt every day. So don’t marry him, please don’t marry him.
(I know that marriage can give you rights, esp to a home if you and/or he owns one, should you divorce. IMO not worth tying yourself more closely to an abuser to get those rights tho, and no point SFAIK, if you own no home).
Much love, sweetheart. You know it feels wrong cos it is wrong, don’t you?
Take care of you and your baby. You’ll be fine – you’ll find a way. xx

[Anonymous]

Totally understand Mellowyellow.
It’s hard to share our babies but in the end we need to. They don’t belong to us. I think you know that tho, and maybe it’s just him you don’t want to share her with? And I get that, really I do.
Childcare is great once you’re comfortable they’re old enough (which varies from child to child). It’s also good to have other ppl who work with kids all the time involved in our kids’ lives cos they can let you know what’s going well and when something is amiss.
(My children are both from first marriage, which ended cos husband found out he had autism & couldn’t cope living with kids once they could walk & talk. We’ve been careful to keep him v involved in their lives cos dads matter. Turns out he’s been a good dad and a good friend to me.)
I don’t think property matters – can be nice to have IF the price isn’t too high, but it’s a tie/responsibility and we can’t take it with us. Happiest we’ve ever been was in a little rented cottage, paying our way, good job, good schools for kids, good friends & a dog to be our friend & guard the place 🙂
What matters to you might be different, of course.
IMO it’s important to be honest about what matters e.g. I’ve done things I didn’t really want to because they were the right thing for the kids. Big responsibility being a mum.
My first husband hasn’t always been a good dad IMO e.g. has made zero financial contribution ever, but turns out that’s ok. The kids know who and what he is, love him for who he is and what he has done, and gently chide him for what he hasn’t. There are no scales covering their eyes. They’ll make informed choices based on what they’ve seen, experienced & learned, and they’ll be good ones, I just know it.
So decide what really matters for you & your daughter, focus, make your way towards it, and don’t worry if the path’s not always clear or straight – you’ll get you and your baby girl to where you need to be. I trust you – you can too. Take very good care of you.
Much love xx

[Mellowyellow]

Thanks both. Yes I think in my head I’m just pretending we can live happily ever after but I know it won’t happen. You’re so right, she just needs to be happy. I need to get out to work and his excuse of not wanting her in childcare is rubbish. He keeps saying he always told me he didn’t want her in childcare and he thought that the Mum should bring up the kid. Then he said you’ll regret it when she starts doing things and you miss them cos you’re at work. That seems like emotional blackmail or something.
I know, it doesn’t feel right you’re right there. Thanks for your kind words both.
I know it’s silly but I don’t want to share her with him so that’s partly why in finding it hard to leave. At least this way I’m with her all the time but if we split I’ll have to give her to him at weekends and what about when he meets someone else it will break my heart for someone else to be involved with her. But perhaps that won’t even happen.
Are you free now Swallow? I must admit I am also thinking of rights too and having half the house but that’s silly. I could get out and get a job and save. Xx

[katielove]

all of this sounds so familiar.
FIRSTLY, you must phone Women’s Aid and chat to them; actually hearing that this IS abuse will make a difference. They can also advise you on where to for help.
Secondly, phone Rights of Women 020 7251 6577: they will be able to give you free legal advice on your rights as a mum and a cohabiting partner.
Lastly, phone 101, ask to speak to your local domestic violence police and log with them everything that is happening to you. You don’t have to take action now but it helps to have logged it. They may decide that you need help, if they do, accept it as they can often recognise things better than us as we are trapped in an abusive cycle.

Do all of this safely when you are on your own.

You know that this situation will get worse. There are no viable reasons in the world why anything that he is doing is acceptable.

Take care x x x

[Mellowyellow]

Thanks Katielove. It seems so many of us have been treated in this way 🙁
Thanks for all of that it’s really helpful. I keep putting off women’s aid and I know it’s because I don’t want to hear everything confirmed. It’s funny how we protect ourselves and tell ourselves it’s all OK and normal.
We patched everything up last night but it shouldn’t be like that. He doesn’t like that I’m answering back and standing up for myself. I think I read on here that these men always have to be right and you can never win. It’s so true! When I answered back and wouldn’t let it go he wanted me out of the house. I should have got in the car and gone to my parents with the baby but I just took us for a walk. I just want a normal family life and for it to all work so I keep giving it another chance. Sad hey xx

[Anonymous]

Hey MY
Just wanted to say I think it’s a good sign when he doesn’t like what you’re saying or doing. Suggests to me you’re opposing him. He doesn’t sound like a very nice or reasonable guy so, logically, opposing him will be the correct position to take 🙂
In short, I think you’re on the right path.
Go you!
Much love S xx
PS FTR, you sound like a nice – lovely, actually – reasonable woman. Bet I’m right 🙂

[myfairyqueen]

He wants to be the centre of attention so finds it hard that you have to give attention to the baby. He is also not tired, he just doesn’t want to do any of the ‘baby sitting’ because it is womans work.

Try to get yourself on the freedom programme and you will learn all about why he is like this.

[Mellowyellow]

Hey Anonymous and my fairy Queen. What lovely kind words! Thanks Anonymous, your words were so sweet you’ve made me cry. I do think I’m a nice person but he makes me think I’m awful. I married him! I thought a) I’d have more rights married and b) stupidly that things might get better. We’ve been married just over a month and we aren’t getting on well at all. He keeps shouting at me cos I go in to see the baby in he morning and I leave the door open as I sometimes need to run to the loo, as you do! So leave the door open so she can hear me and I said just one minute won’t be a mo! To her. Then he shouted as I’d woken him up! It was ten to 8! Not even early and ten mins before his alarm was due to go off then he called me a b*****d for waking him up and I’m never to do that again I must shut the door! But she crawls and I worry. He never helps with her in the morning he just lies in. His job isn’t even that demanding and he always lies in now so can’t be tired.
Anyway, I phoned women’s aid Saturday but couldn’t get through. I’m going to ring now. I’m slowly making plans to get out. I feel so pressured and stressed as the house is a mess yet now little one crawls I can’t take my eyes off her so nothing gets done and I end up screaming! I hate myself for it, I’m usually a calm person but the pressure of keeping an immaculate house with a baby while trying to work from home to get money is driving me mad. I need to get out to keep sane x*x

[Mellowyellow]

Oh yes and I am opposing him! I won’t be walked all over anymore. I’m breaking free x*x

[KIP.]

Just thought I’d add that these men are at their most dangerous when you leave or just after so don’t tell him you’re going. Women’s aid can help you with the details. You deserve better. Stayed and he totally destroyed my mental health and abuse only gets worse x

[Mellowyellow]

Thanks Kip. I am ao stressed at the mo, I feel like I’m on the edge cos I have to have everything perfect and I’ve got family worries and he isn’t really letting me speak to them he keeps getting annoyed and saying it’s stressing him out! He’s not being supportive like a normal partner would. I spoke to a lovely lady at women’s aid who gave me lots of details and some numbers so I now just have to get the courage to go. Everytime I think I need to go he is nice or ignores we’ve had a row. I say a fow but it’s just him getting annoyed. I must get out I don’t want to be here years later wondering where my life went. I just can’t seem to find strength to leave. I hate being on my own I’ve always been like it. I love being around people. Xx

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