Just left, and spoke to domestic violence helpline for the first time :’)

[lostouthere]

Hi all,

Left my abusive boyfriend (detail removed by Moderator) days ago by doing a runner from him (in a foreign country, where he is from!) on one of those rare days that I had a few hours away from him. Made sure I always had a set of his keys in my bag, then went to his apartment, took all my stuff and legged it to the train station and went to the capital city and booked a hostel, then flew home the next day.

(detail removed by Moderator) Today has been the first day I’ve properly, deeply cried about it all. I think now that I’ve had some nights of sleep and decent food, as well as not having the constant exhausting alertness and worrying, the brain fog is starting to clear a little and the relief and elation is lifting and now comes the grief. I had a really bad afternoon and could not stop crying about it, both that I’ve left my best friend and can never see him again, and that I still love him, but also the sadness of being treated like that, especially after seeing other people’s reactions and how bad those things actually were/are to outsiders.

So I phoned Refuge, the domestic abuse helpline, in floods of tears and it felt like another big step in changing my life. The first time I left my ex-boyfriend, I replied to the email he sent me hours after leaving, and went back within (detail removed by Moderator) days. This time, I have ignored (detail removed by Moderator) emails he’s sent me and there’s been no kind of engagement from my side whatsoever. The lady on the helpline I spoke to pointed out that, as a n********t, that’s going to be his worst nightmare – wondering how on earth I could possibly disappear out of his life without looking back. After all the hurt he’s put me through, my silence can be the thing that hits him where it hurts. It’s only been (detail removed by Moderator) days, and I know I have an uphill battle ahead of me, but it’s comforting to know that I can also have these moments and it’s not going to be all bad.

I don’t know how many people are going to read this, but just the very acts of a) recognising and allowing myself to call it domestic abuse, b) phoning a domestic abuse helpline and c) posting on here and writing my experiences down, are huge for me and even if only one person reads them, it’s a big thing for myself anyway. This account was actually made when I was in the middle of the relationship, but I didn’t think it was serious enough to even be looking on these kinds of sites, and now here I am posting from this account after rescuing myself and taking my own life back :’)))

Thanks for reading – hugs and solidarity to everyone <333

(name removed by Moderator)

[Nefertiti]

Congratulations lostoutthere. It is hard, there are times when I really miss him, but I am also really enjoying my own company. Keep posting and reading here; we are all rooting for you.

[BlueberryField]

I’m so happy you finally escaped! Stay strong and do not give into his manipulations again.

I am a still with my abuser, but the first time I contacted Women’s Aid, I had a meeting with them while I was at work. And probably a month later I fled our home while he was away drinking and kept calling me threatening to take my life. I slept at a refugee that night, but next day I ended up replying to him after all his cries and begging (right in front of his family too). I was stupid enough to feel guilty after all the physical and psychological abuse I went through! Basically I ended up going back to him, he was so different for maybe a month? After that he started getting paranoid again saying that I was at another man’s house or I am secretly seeing someone (I never even had thoughts of cheating). And just slowly the whole abuse started coming back again. And I was pregnant at the time. During whole pregnancy it was just controlling and messing with my head, insulting. Once we had our child there were a few times when he physically abused me. But mainly it’s emotional abuse on daily basis.
We are at the point where recently a few times he had told me to get out of the house. And we just been fighting a lot nearly every day now. His main manipulations are by using our child because he knows our child is the most important thing in my life.

Every day now I just sit at home and think to myself why am I still here? I don’t love him anymore, he doesn’t love me either. Why am I still keeping my child in this environment of constant arguing? I know he’s still little and won’t remember a thing but I feel such a s****y mother for this. But I feel like if I leave today, tomorrow or any time soon it will be either the same crying again and telling me he will kill himself or it will be threats again and it makes my skin crawl.

[StrongLife]

Glad you got out and can post here. It is very difficult to leave.

Please be safe in the situation you are in – it gets easier in the long run.

[Author]

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